


This Must Be The Place

by thvnderstorms



Series: 'waiting for my love' [2]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, 5+1 Things, AU, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Christmas, Emotional, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is Gay, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Poetry, Friendship, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kissing, Love at First Sight, Luke Patterson-centric (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke's POV, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Romance, Some Explicit Language, Strangers to Lovers, Sunset Curve (Julie and The Phantoms), The Boys Are Alive, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, alive, alternative universe, festive, set in the present, takes place over six christmasses, willex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 64,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thvnderstorms/pseuds/thvnderstorms
Summary: For as long as he could remember there had only been one drive inside Luke, and that was music. It’s the reason he skips school to write songs. It’s the reason he’d busk, even for empty streets. It’s the reason he works for his uncle Caleb, wiping down tables at the Orpheum while he dreams of the day he’ll be front and center under the spotlight instead of behind the concessions.Luke felt as long as he had music, he never needed anything else. When he saw people his age hanging out on the beach, going to parties, dating; he never felt like he was missing out. That was until one foggy day in December, when Luke saw him.His flustered rosy cheeks, slicked back hair and cool leather jacket. Luke is frozen, his heart palpitating. It had always been Luke and music, never feeling like he needed anyone else but when their gazes meet, Luke wonders if this boy could be someone who can understand him.Luke’s confused, excited and maybe a little bit fixated. All he wants is to see him again. But Luke’s got to learn to be careful what he wishes for.OR five times Luke tries to find the place he belongs in the world and the one time he figures, this must be the place.(Luke's POV of One Day In December)
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke Patterson/Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: 'waiting for my love' [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2126856
Comments: 29
Kudos: 54





	1. One: slow down you crazy child

**Author's Note:**

> Luke's POV is here! And I'm publishing it much faster than I thought I would have but I'm excited.  
> Thank you for all the love on One Day in December and for all the support that gave me the drive to write more of Luke's and Reggie's story.  
> Let me know what you guys think cause I'm kind of nervous going into Luke's POV since I got so comfortable in Reggie's. Also let me know if there's any scenes you're looking forward to or hoping to see in Luke's POV.
> 
> Story title from the song 'This Must Be The Place' by Talking Heads  
> Series title from the song 'What Once Was' by Her's
> 
> And finally, chapter title from the song 'Vienna' by Billy Joel. (For those who've read ODID, if you know, you know ;) )
> 
> Can be possibly read as a stand alone but this is Luke's POV of One Day in December so for the full picture would recommend reading that first!  
> Anyway, happy reading!!

One: slow down you crazy child  
December 2016

Do you ever wonder are you really where you’re supposed to be? Luke’s been mulling over the question for the majority of his teenage years and maybe even for farther back than that. By all standards and definitions, he should feel right at home as he is but he can never seem to shake the sneaking voice that floods his mind every night as he lays in bed and dreams about something more. He tells himself he’s like every other sixteen year old boy his age, he goes to school, plays for the basketball team, plays video games, eats way too much junk food and hasn’t had a decent sleeping schedule since he was twelve. But that’s just the thing, he doesn’t want to be like every other sixteen year old, in fact in the past few months he’s found himself distancing himself further and further from the people he should be a carbon copy of. Luke never really thought himself as a fearful person. Ever since he was a kid, Luke showed next to no trepidation for anything, so much so his parents had grown increasingly concerned. He believed there was nothing to fear but fear itself yet despite this every night for the past three months as he tried to think of continuing life as he currently was, his head twisted with the sickening terror of the mundane. 

Luke was the furthest thing from an over-thinker, he was a man of action. A do now, think later type of mindset. He knew his fearless recklessness had landed him in hot water one too many times before. He knew his mother still didn’t one hundred percent forgive him for the time he wanted to practice his fire making skill for scouts and accidentally set her flower bed in the back garden alight when he was thirteen. Luke’s mind was an enigma, a game of constantly shifting puzzle pieces creating their own unique patterns day by day, no two thoughts alike. Luke had a hard time catching up with himself most days. It was because of his overactive brain and the fact he jumped from thought to thought and circled back to the beginning again, that his mother had taken him for numerous ADHD evaluations when he was younger. Emily and Mitch had been stumped upon receiving several negative diagnoses in return. It had been Caleb that spun the idea of finding Luke a hobby, something to fixate on to keep his mind in check and himself out of trouble. Mitch had been keen to pawn sports off on Luke and while Luke enjoyed the thrill and adrenaline involved enough to keep playing basketball all the way into high school, there always seemed to be something missing. Luke still felt unfulfilled.

Luke had been seven when Mitch had taken Luke to visit Caleb at work. Caleb managed The Orpheum, one of L.A.’s most notorious clubs for up and comers. Of course, at that age the title had meant squat to Luke. But as Mitch joking propped Luke up on the wide stage, Luke thought he should have felt like the expansive space was swallowing him up. A small, insignificant boy standing there, taking up residence on the same stage that once was home to great artists but instead he felt just as at home. His heart had filled and something inside him had clicked, it had taken him years to realise that on that day he had found the fulfillment he had been waiting for. The bright lights shining on him and heating his skin should have felt blinding and burning yet he let them wrap around him like a warm comforting embrace and for those few moments he felt like he was glowing, untouchable and unknowingly Luke had been chasing that feeling for every day since. He’d still yet to fully grasp it. Following the Orpheum, it had taken months of pleading and begging for Mitch to buy Luke a guitar for his birthday and for Caleb to become his unofficial teacher. 

Music had filled a gap in his life, in his soul, that Luke hadn’t even realised was there until he first felt the burn of tightly clutched guitar strings against his soft fingertips. From then on everything had taken a backseat to music. Luke had admittedly never been great with emotions or with thoughts, his mind was his biggest mystery to others and Luke alike. Luke’s mind was an overflowing sink and trying to sort through his thoughts was like grabbing a fistful of water, grasping it for a quick moment before it began to seep through your fingers again. Music had become an outlet for Luke to make sense of the musings of his mind. With every chord he plucked, every lyric he wrote he slowly began to understand himself. He knew his parents watched him as music became an extension of himself, not quite understanding the fixation, the dedication to something, that in their eyes, could lead nowhere. But Luke dreaded thinking of the hypothetical that if he was ever to lose music, he’d lose part of himself and all understanding of himself. As far as he was concerned, he had music and as long as he had music he could never feel unfulfilled. 

It was the first day of the winter holidays and while other students were planning to lay in and catch up on sleep and watch television for the whole day, Luke was preparing to spend the day in the city, busking on random street corners. Luke sighed, pulling his head out from underneath his bed. The night before, he had fallen asleep while gently strumming his guitar and now the location of his guitar pick eluded him. Giving up with a huff, he decided he’d just run into a music shop when he was in the city. Grabbing his guitar case and throwing the acoustic over his shoulder, he made his way through the house to the kitchen. The smell of eggs and bacon wafted through the hallways accompanied by the gentle humming of his mother. When he reached the kitchen, he found her standing over the stove while his father sipped his coffee, head stuck in the morning paper from where he sat at the kitchen island. 

“Morning sweetie. Do you want some bacon?” Emily greeted, glancing away from the stove to seek out Luke. Luke placed his guitar case gently against the island and noticed as his mother’s gaze glanced to the instrument and he knew she was trying her best not to shake her head. She always made the joke that the instrument was permanently attached to his body, Luke always rolled his eyes in answer but she wasn’t far off. He was assured it was attached to his soul. 

“Sure, sounds good.” Luke breathed, pressing a kiss to his mother’s cheek before sliding past her to the fridge, where he yanked it open and pulled out the carton of orange juice. Emily resumed her soft humming, moving away from the stove to pull out plates. Luke had opened the juice and was gulping greedily from the carton as she turned back and immediately he found her silent, scolding gaze on him. Pulling the drink away from his lips, he smiled sheepishly, pulling a glass from the cabinet to appease her. “So what are you guys doing today?”

“I need to go to the grocery store and your father needs to pick papers up from the school to grade.” His mother explained, her eyes focusing on the sizzling of her frying pan. She swatted his hand away as Luke tried to sneak a piece. Luke yanked his hand away with a hiss as he leaned back against the island and eyes flickering to his dad, who was still engrossed in his newspaper. His glasses balanced on the bridge of his long nose, his head close to the page as he read, only his eyes visible over the large paper. Luke twisted around to face his father, bracing his two hands on the island across from his father. He leaned down slowly, Luke’s own eyes right before his father’s across the top of the newspaper. He paused for a moment, waiting for Mitch to raise his gaze and meet Luke’s. It was a silent challenge from Luke yet it was one his father ultimately failed, his attention never straying from the printed word. Luke rolled his eyes, turning away again. His father was a high school history teacher although fortunately for Luke not at his high school. Instead Mitch worked at a school across the city. Luke was lucky for that fact, not because he would have been ashamed of his father being his teacher but because of the fact that as of recently, Luke had skipped almost up to two weeks of school without the knowledge of his parents. What had become skipping a few classes to sneakily write songs in the music room had become him never showing up to the school premises at all. He didn’t feel like he belonged there, confined between the bleak four walls of classrooms debating reasons for Hamlet’s indecision in English or what chemicals you mix to go ‘boom’ in science. 

“We were thinking of going out for dinner tonight to celebrate the start of holidays, what do you think?” Emily spoke, grabbing his attention again. Luke sipped at his juice as his mother handed over a plate of food to him. She nodded for Luke to sit down beside his father but Luke remained standing, planning to leave quickly after scarfing down his breakfast. 

Luke shook his head, taking a quick bite of the greasy meal. “I can’t. I told Caleb I’d work tonight so I probably won’t be back before then. I’ll just grab something to eat in the city.” 

Emily sighed, placing a similar plate to Luke’s in front of his father. His father places his paper down and Luke has to force himself not to roll his eyes. So his dad puts down the paper for that. Mitch looks up from over his glasses to where Luke is leaning against the island. “Oh, morning Luke.”

Luke doesn’t even try to stop himself from rolling his eyes at that one. Emily is cradling her cup of coffee in her hands, her expression mildly solemn though conflicted as if she’s trying and failing to cover up her distaste. “I still don’t like the idea of you working at a place like that.”

“Mom, it’s perfectly safe and uncle Caleb is always there with me.” Luke reasoned. Caleb wasn’t really Luke’s uncle. Mitch and Caleb had met in college and became good friends and their friendship remained and only grew stronger as they got older. The pair were like the brother’s they never had. Luke was immensely grateful for Caleb, sometimes Luke felt like he was the only one who understood him. He nurtured Luke’s love of music, taught him guitar and told him to cherish the passion he had for it. More than his parents had ever said on the matter. Luke had been begging Caleb to give him a job at The Orpheum since he was fourteen and finally that past summer after Luke had turned sixteen Caleb had agreed. It was only a few nights here and there throughout the month and Caleb had to pay Luke under the table because of his age but to Luke it was perfect. 

“I trust Caleb but what I don’t trust is the rowdy crowds and that rockstar lifestyle. It’s nothing a sixteen year old should be exposed to.” Emily shook her head at the thoughts she was creating in her mind and Luke sighed into his glass as he raised it to his lips to drink. This wasn’t the first time his mother went on an anti-rock music rant and he was convinced it wouldn’t be the last. His eyes raised to the heavens behind his glass as he sipped, begging, ‘please God, not again’. 

“What would you do if these bands tried to lure you into parties or give you alcohol, even offer you drugs?” Emily’s eyes widen and Luke is sighing as he places his now empty dishes in the sink. He sure didn’t get his mother’s ability to overthink situations. Emily tucks her hair behind her ear, sighing after working herself into a tizzy. She mumbles to herself, “Oh, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Don’t worry,” Luke says, pushing himself off the island and placing his hands on his mother’s shoulders, comfortingly. “If I get presented with anything like that I’ll remember what you told me and I’ll remember my manners and make sure I very politely accept all that is offered to me.”

“Luke!” Emily sputters, her hand smacking at his arm and Luke quickly moves away. Luke was attempting to joke to keep the tone light but his humour did nothing but make Emily more anxious. 

“Seriously, I don’t even get to meet the bands let alone party with them.” Luke knows there was no point in reasoning when his mother was already certain in her thoughts. One thing Luke did inherit from his mother was her stubbornness. Luke’s eyes flashed towards his father to find him back at his newspaper, not paying attention and Luke was quick to look away. Typical. 

“That’s not all. Don’t even get me started on the groupies, Luke.” Emily twisted her body to find Luke getting ready to pick up his guitar from where he had stranded it upon entering the room. Luke laughed exasperated. There was never a dull moment with an overprotective mother like Emily.

“Mom, I’m pretty sure groupies haven’t been a thing since the 70s.” Luke sighed, a small bout of laughter mixed in his growing annoyance. Emily placed her mug on the marble island with a clank. Luke bent down to pull his case up over his shoulder, fitting snug against his back. The familiar weight brings him a sliver of peace. 

“We have MTV, I’ve seen those crazy ‘Which Direction’ girls, Luke. It’s worse than The Beatles.” Emily shook her head and Luke couldn’t contain his laughter this time. His mother sent him an unamused look, her eyes widening slightly as Luke turned to walk out the kitchen. 

“It’s ‘One Direction, Ma.” Luke muttered between chuckles. From behind him he can hear the scratching of his mother’s slippers against the tiled floor. He maneuvered through the living room to the front door with Emily hot on his heels. 

“You’re not wearing that out all day, Lu. At least bring a jacket or get something with sleeves.” His mother taps his arm as he reaches the door, pulling Luke’s attention back to the woman. For everything that they argue about, he knew at the end of the day it was her way of protecting him. He just found himself wishing it would feel less suffocating some days. 

“It’s winter.” Emily stated, crossing her arms.

“It’s okay, it’s not that cold out.” Luke explains at the same time his mother speaks. He lets out a quiet, quick laugh. Emily sighs with her whole body, shoulders sagging and eyes rolling as she admits wordless defeat against Luke. Luke offers his mother a small smile, placing a hand delicately on her shoulder as he leans in to press a swift yet firm kiss to his mother’s forehead.

“I’ll be alright. I’ll see you tonight.” Luke turns towards the door as Emily tells him she’ll see him later and he knows she will be waiting up for him until he returns. She always does. Luke closes the door behind him, feeling a small chill but his stubborn pride keeps him from going back inside and grabbing a jacket. Instead he pulls his blue, sleeveless hoodie over his chest and zips it up, deciding the bike ride will warm him up on his way into the city.

Luke feels at peace as his feet pump at the pedals, the winter wind whipping against his cheeks, the whirring sound of the world passing him by infiltrating his ears. His heart belts wildly in his chest from the speed, the throbbing beat sneaking its way up his throat and he loves every moment of it. He feels alive. Every time he crossed that line from the sleepy suburbia into the bustling streets of Downtown Los Angeles, he felt like it was his own version of Narnia. Moving away from the drab and bleak world of his homelife and stepping into pure adventure and possibility. He felt giddy like a little kid. He pedaled faster, the streets whizzing past him becoming blurring shapes and colours, an abstract art piece of his own creation. Luke knew he didn’t view their city the same way his parents did. They still saw the dark, unsafe underbelly that hid beneath the glitz and glamour of next door Hollywood that they grew up around. He knew he viewed his home through rose tinted glasses but that didn’t sway him from his love of the city. He saw himself mirrored in Los Angeles, every day was different, it reinvented itself every few days and was ever changing, he decided his mind and the city had more in common than he would have once thought. L.A. produced, lived and breathed stars, actors, musicians, performers, film, music, talent, art and Luke wanted nothing more than to situate himself right in the middle of it. 

Yet it always seemed a few unattainable feet out of reach. For every determined step he took towards his dream, there was always someone there to pull him a few steps back to where he started. People telling him music wasn’t a real career choice, people telling him he’s too young to know what he wants, that he’s only a kid and needs to slow down. Slow wasn’t in Luke’s vocabulary. In his eyes, life had a blink and you’ll miss it structure. Life moved fast, it didn't slow down for anyone so why should Luke put himself on pause for it. Many of his music idols started from nothing and made a name for themselves, so why did it seem to everyone around Luke that he was the exception? He tried not to take the patronising comments and unsupportive attitudes personally. His parents and indeed anyone he’d met of the boomer generation had become so stuck in their ways and disillusioned with life that he began to pay them no mind. Luke wanted something more than he’d been dealt, he worked hard, he had the drive and ambition and where people tried to sway him otherwise, he chose not to listen because he promised himself he wouldn’t end up like the adults he grew up around. Life wasn’t a ‘you against the world’ situation, it was the opposite. Life was a partnership, the more you thought of yourself pinned against what life was dealing you and pitting yourself against the world, it wasn’t going to end well. As life moved, you moved with it, keeping pace, as the world changed you adapted with it. Once you exchanged that delicate balance with life for opposition, you got left behind, stuck. Luke never wanted to feel stuck. 

Luke rounded the streets near Venice beach, the soothing drifting of water against the sand echoing through the air bringing insurmountable levels of comfort. The streets were relatively quiet in the still early morning, the city still waking up for the day ahead. Luke brought his bike to a halt, tires screeching against the smooth pavement. Clambering off his bike, his legs had a shaking ache from the mad speed in which he glided into the city. He revelled in the feeling, it made him feel alive. He pulls the bike into a half full bike rack, pulling the lock from around the handle to the front of the bike, locking it up for the day with the knowledge Luke probably wouldn’t be returning to it until later that night. Christmas lights and decorations lined the street in darkness, waiting to exchange illumination with the daylight. When the sky turned inky blue with the evening shadows and the lights would flicker into luminescence. Luke’s gaze flitted up to the decorations as he ambled through the streets with a sweet smile sent to the sky. Peaceful contentment. 

When he found the shop he was looking for, Luke sidestepped early morning shoppers and dipped into the comforting familiarity of ‘Tom’s’. Caleb and Mitch had brought Luke to the music shop the day of his eighth birthday, allowing him to pick out his first guitar and ever since that day the store had become a second home for him. A safe haven amongst the percussion and strings. The warmth tingled his wind swept cheeks and Luke sighed in satisfaction at the feeling. Tugging the guitar case strap on his shoulder, he fit the instrument snugger against his back. There was nothing like the feeling of a six string to ground him. Luke meandered around the store, eyes flitting from one instrument to the next. His fingertips reached out curiously, plucking random strings and curving around the smooth edges of exposed cymbals. This was Luke’s church, music was his religion and he would constantly wander into the store to worship the gifts that produced it. He finally circled around the whole store to his last port of call, shelves lined with picks, wires, drumsticks, packets of guitar strings. He plucked the small pack of picks from the shelf, throwing the bag back and forth between his hands as his eyes continued to prowl the offerings. 

Eventually he settled on a course to the till but not before his eyes found two boys about his age mulling over guitars excitedly. He wasn’t sure why he let his gaze linger a moment longer than was considered normal but as he watched the two kids debate brands and laugh at their own niche jokes, he felt a small gap inside him grow a few inches wider. He let his eyes fall to the carpeted floor, scuffing his shoes against the worn out material, a small frown threatening to overtake his lips. Throughout his high school career, Luke had never felt connected to anyone he shared desks with or chatted idly in the locker rooms with. He had never ruminated much on the thought, never felt like he was missing out on anything. The drinking on the beach after winning games, the parties, the dances, the dating; Luke had never needed it to feel whole. He had music, it filled him with everything he’d ever wanted, ever needed yet why did he feel like there was an aching hole hidden deep inside himself that said otherwise. He wasn’t lying when he said that he never connected to people at his school but that didn’t mean he didn’t sometimes think about what if it have been different. If he had met people more like him. People who could relate instead of criticizing him. People who could listen and understand him instead of listening and silently judging. People he could belong with. 

“You okay, son?” A voice extracted him from the momentary lull in his demeanor. There was a reason he pressed that part of himself down, hidden underneath chords and melodies where he could forget about it. Luke shifted to turn around, finding an older gentleman behind the cashier, watching him with a curious gaze. Luke only smiled, it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Yeah. Just making sure I have everything.” Luke jested, shaking his pack of guitar picks in the air before placing them on the counter for the cashier to ring up his purchase. Luke grabbed his chain link wallet, digging out change handing it over to the older man in exchange for a receipt. “Thanks! Have a good day.” 

Luke tried to not let his gaze flicker back to the pair at the guitars again as he moved to leave. Outside he was hit with the sneaking caress of cold air trickling down his arms. He made it a few steps away from the music shop when he paused, pulling the black leather case over his shoulders. He leaned the case against his body as he pushed his new purchase into the small pocket of the guitar case. With his head down, he zips up the case again pulling it back to its original place settled between his shoulder blades. Fixing the beanie on his wild hair, Luke began to look up again just as a body collided with his side. The connection sent a jolt through Luke’s body and he stumbled a few steps back at the impact.

“Hey, dude! Watch-” His words are lost on his tongue as he raises his gaze to berate the person who had run into him. A breath tumbles out of his mouth in place of a coherent sentence as his eyes find a rosy cheeked boy, with gelled back raven hair and eyes on the watch on his left wrist. Luke wants to beg him to give him his attention. 

“Sorry, I’m so sorry.” The boy glances his way over his shoulder as he keeps moving, in a hurry. His eyes flick past Luke fast and he can tell the boy is unfocused, that he’s not really seeing Luke. But as the boy’s figure retreats farther away from Luke, putting distance between the pair Luke’s gaze stays locked on him. He may not have really seen Luke but Luke saw him and for a brief moment, he was all Luke could see. He watched as the boy got swallowed up by a group of pedestrians and Luke mourned the loss of him in his sight. Because without the boy in his vision, Luke was left alone with a frozen body and a heartbeat that was thumping a few beats quicker than was normal. He sighed, exhaling deeply in an attempt to calm himself. His confusion was rising, unable to decipher what his fixation on the random boy meant. His hazel eyes flickering around the street one last time, trying to seek out the boy but unfortunately coming up dry, Luke turned his back to the street continuing on.

He thought that would have been the last of it. A trivial everyday incident that should go on to be not thought of for the rest of the day yet his mind, in a usual whirlwind, had other ideas. He spent the next few hours flitting through music shops and coffee houses. He tried not to think about how his eyes lingered a moment longer than it should have on a poster of Alex Turner in one of the local record shops finding semblance in the singer and the boy he had passed mere hours ago. Luke was making his way through the streets as the day was beginning to fade into evening, the night growing colder and he was on the prowl. Stalking out locations to set up for a few songs before he would have to head to work. Christmas shoppers were in abundance and Luke found himself shuffling through them before his eyes landed on a packed bus stop and his face lit up with possibility. To anyone else large crowds immediately equated large earnings to a busker and Luke did enjoy some of the perks yet for the Patterson boy, his mind was set on one thing; musical connection. 

He pulled his guitar off his back, feeling cold seep in where the pressure had been lifted for the first time in a few hours. He placed the case on the ground before him, hearing the comforting click of the latches becoming unhinged before he pulled the guitar into his hands, cradling it with care. The guitar was Luke’s equivalent of a comfort blanket, with the glossy wood pressed against him and the intimate burn of nylon wire pressing into his fingertips as he strummed. He felt right, he felt safe, he felt himself. He leans against the back of the see through bus shelter, beginning his excursion into the music. As if there’s another force driving him, Luke’s eyes flutter close as airy vocals begin flooding from his mouth, tangling with the echoing chords in an intimate dance. Music has been a part of Luke’s life for as far back as he could remember. Music, guitar, lyrics, they were his outlet and his refuge, where he laid himself bare exposing all his pieces while simultaneously helping build himself up into the person he wants to be. He was connected to music on a level beyond the most convenient, mundane definitions. Music was the closest thing Luke had felt to spiritual awakening and he wanted that connection forever, with everyone.

Luke’s eyes fluttered open and he couldn’t help but feel disheartened by the inconspicuousness of it all. He was surrounded by all these people, strangers just passing through, paying each other no mind. He gazed around at the crowded bus stop, everyone hearing him but not a soul listening. A nagging voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother snuck it’s way into the back of his mind, reminding him how far music would get him. With a renewed determination, he continued strumming, his eyes falling closed again. As he sang, he tried forgetting the surrealty of the situation, of being in a crowded place, people surrounding you yet feeling isolated, alone. His mind ran wild with the feeling and for a quick moment, he thought about those two boys in the music shop, about his own yearning for someone to understand.

“But I’m still not certain just how I’m gonna feel. I only know in the moment.” He wasn’t sure if the lyrics fell from his mouth in a strong tone or a pitiful whisper. He was surprised he had continued singing at all with his mind spinning like a carousel he couldn’t stop. Luke had always found music as a safe haven, whenever he played his mind stopped, his thoughts slowed down and he was able to make sense of himself yet on this day, his guitar seemed to be having the opposite effect. His eyes flicked open and Luke prepared to give up altogether. But before he could let his discontent seep into every bone on his body, he leaned his head back and his eyes fell on the bus that had just rolled up to the stop. Music had failed to control his racing thoughts but as his gaze met a pair of green eyes that watched him with unbridled interest, Luke was once again frozen, heart palpitating and mind clear. Because holy shit, he was there, the boy who had bumped into Luke earlier. Luke was watching him, seeing him and this time the boy was seeing him too. 

Luke couldn’t stop the timid smile that stretched at his lips as he refused to remove his gaze from the boy separated from him by a pane of glass. In that moment, Luke felt as if it was only them. Be damned the bustling crowd and the barrier that disconnected them, because the boy with the rosy cheeks and slicked back hair and cool leather jacket was watching him with the same undivided attention that Luke was giving him and Luke couldn’t help but think it a sign. The boy had been observing him closely, and Luke knew he was the first person that day that didn’t just hear Luke but he listened, he appreciated him. The unfamiliar feeling made Luke feel mildly confused, unsure if the moment they were sharing was in his head. His own silent concoction of his overactive imagination, making up the connection he was craving or was it real, an unspoken moment shared between strangers and Luke wondered if this boy could be the one to understand him, be his someone, become his people. Luke’s mind found quiet again as the boy on the bus returned his wide eyed gaze from the front of the bus and back to Luke. 

Luke met his gaze again, keeping it locked with his own. Was it an invitation? Luke took a step forward and, forgetting about his opened case before him, stumbled over the luggage slightly, knocking it closed. Luke paused for a moment, a sheepish smile on his face as he looked back to the boy who watched him with a kind, humorous expression. His gaze mirrored the boy’s, eyes flickering to where the last of the passengers were boarding and Luke knew he would have to make a decision. He had to choose between his every day and the possibility of something more and was he really in the business of not taking the risk. Luke is a man of action, do now, think later. With the reminder, his mind was made up. Luke’s eyes met the boy’s once more and he was almost convinced he could see the hopeful glint in his stare. Luke moved fast, all ungraceful steps and adrenaline surging through his shaking bones as he grabbed his case from the ground about to get on this bus that he hadn’t a clue where it went. To anyone else it was madness, to Luke it was adventure. This was a step forward with no one here this time to drag him back. He fumbled as he moved, dodging between passersby on the busy street, bumping against bodies in bid to reach the doors. He glanced down at his feet quickly sidestepping everyone else's but from a few steps ahead of him he heard the haunting creak echo through the street, the doors of the bus closing shut. 

“Shit.” He hissed to himself, trying to tug his guitar case between people who cursed at him in return. Luke finally found himself on the edge of the sidewalk, watching as the bus drove away, distance being put between himself and the boy for the second time that day and Luke wasn’t sure how to react. He was trying to make sense of it all, the moment they shared, the way the boy lingered in Luke’s mind all day like a hidden memory and how Luke was feeling. He was confused. He thought he should be worried by the sudden onslaught of feelings he’d never experienced before, that he should be scared but Luke couldn’t find himself to think of it that way. He was perplexed yet overall he was excited. For the first day in months, Luke had felt something beyond displacement and entrapment in his everyday life and this time, the comfort hadn’t come from music but another human. He wanted to feel that way again. So maybe without even really realising it, Luke made a silent wish to himself. That he would see that boy again. 

🎸

Luke liked the loudness, it created a calm in him that he had so far found unmatched in anything else He marvelled in the noise and chaos that filled the air and made his bones jump with energy. The synchronisation of voices and instruments alike melding together to create a beat that could take over your body and awaken your mind was a high like no other and Luke wanted to ride this high for the rest of his life. He wanted to be the source of that high for people as other musicians had been for him. Music was a cycle, a circle of life, a tradition passed down from generation to generation, like a close idol saying ‘here kid, we’ve done what we could for it, now it’s your turn’. Luke hungered for the chance, he was more than ready. Everyone around him seemed to be less convinced of that fact. So as Luke watched the band on stage mesmerise and hypnotise their audience that screamed wildly and jumped energetically, Luke had to let his mind race with possibilities of the future while he stood stuck behind the bar. 

He leaned across the sticky wooden bar, ignoring the initial discomfort and let his body buzz with the atmosphere of The Orpheum that sizzled at his skin and sent shockwaves through his system. Every hair on his arms was standing to attention but as he stared ahead at the rapturous crowd and shining lights of the stage, Luke felt his mind start to drift. He hadn’t managed to keep the boy from the bus stop out of his mind for long that night. Every couple of minutes he managed to sneak his way back into the forefront of Luke’s mind. He wondered if the boy had thought about him since or was he just wishful thinking. He chewed on his lip and wondered if the boy liked concerts the same way Luke did, did they make him feel alive the way Luke did? He closed his eyes, attempting to pause his thoughts once again. Luke wondered why he had felt like that boy had understood him with one simple look more than any permanent figures in his life ever had. 

“What’s with the long face, kid?” Luke’s eyes shot open at the familiar voice and he stood up straighter, pushing himself off the bar. Caleb stood across the bar, facing him with a teasing smirk on his lips and his hands tucked into the pockets of his navy dress trousers. He decided to tease further at Luke’s mirthless expression “You’re supposed to be selling the dream.” 

“They’re selling the dream.” Luke stated, making a point of outstretching his hand and gesturing to the band currently rocking out on stage, capturing everyone’s undivided attention. “I’m selling water.”

Caleb only laughed at Luke’s dry joke, finding humour where Luke didn’t. Caleb twisted his body to lean against the bar, being able to keep his eye on the show while still having the moody Luke in his peripheral vision. Caleb had a way about him where he could call out Luke on his bullshit and tease him on it and despite it all Luke never felt at odds with him over it. That didn’t mean he didn’t get exasperated over certain things. 

“I’m not a kid.” Luke grumbled to himself more than anyone else but Caleb had heard and only chuckled again. Luke had always been ‘kid’ to Caleb. He was sure that even when Luke would be in his forties, Caleb would still be there calling him ‘kid’. At least it was better than the time Caleb had tried to make calling him a ‘young whippersnapper’ stick. 

“Okay, you’re not a kid.” Caleb said calmly and Luke knew this wasn’t the end of it so he waited quietly. Caleb turned to glance at Luke over his shoulder, a teasing smirk back on his lips as he asked, “How tall are you again now? 5’4?”

Luke immediately raised his middle finger to flip off his uncle as he rolled his eyes. Considering Caleb was also his boss it probably wasn’t the best work etiquette but Caleb didn’t seem to mind only finding more humour in Luke’s unamused expression and less than friendly hand gestures. He chuckled to himself, turning away from Luke, his attention on the show. 

Just then a girl with short shoulder length brown hair and an ecstatic smile bounded up to the bar ordering a drink. Luke proceeded to grab the order, only pausing when returning it as she spoke. “So what time do you get off?” 

Luke let a small surprised smile fight its way to his lips through his shock. The girl couldn’t have been much older than him but her forwardness had thrown him for a loop. He had at least another half an hour until Caleb would tell him to take a hike and he was about to tell her as much before Caleb’s voice intruded the pair. “You’re good to finish for tonight, kid. Go catch the end of the show.”

“Perfect.” The girl grinned, sliding her money across the counter and grabbing her drink before departing, sending him a playful wink. “I’ll see you out there.”

Luke stayed silent for a moment, watching as the girl left with a perplexed expression on his face. That was a first. He could hear Caleb chuckle at his momentary confusion as he slid around the bar to Luke. Luke met Caleb's gaze, looking up at him. “Are you serious?”

Caleb nodded, patting Luke gently on the back. “Yeah, I got it here. Go have fun but don’t be home too late. I don’t want Emily calling me up again asking where you were at one in the morning cause you got distracted by a stray dog on the way home.”  
Luke nodded in agreement to his terms, looking bashful as he did. In Luke’s defense he had thought the dog was injured and upon further inspection and finding everything was fine, he had really just tried to lead it back to his house. His parents didn’t need to know that part. Luke beamed at Caleb, excited to be out in the crowd, to be part of the wave that was a sea of bodies swaying to the beats, coming together as one. With a skip in his step, Luke grasped his phone where he had stored it under the bar. The screen lit up in his palm, alerting him of numerous calls from his mother hours prior. His good feeling came to a stalemate as his gaze lingered on the illuminated screen, burning the words of his mother’s text to memory.

Ma:  
Your school called. We have a lot to talk about when you get home.

“Shit.” Luke muttered, his hand curling into his tangled brunette tendrils. He always knew with all the days he couldn’t physically and mentally bring himself to make it to school, the days when the plain, dull walls mirrored those of a prison cell to him, that his choices would come back to bite him in the ass. He didn’t know what would happen but he knew one thing for sure, he couldn’t go back there. Locking his phone, he pushed the device into his jean pocket, trying to bury his thoughts deep with it. 

Luke pressed forward, slowly making his way into the throng of audience members. He pressed and shoved, his body moving on autopilot until he had reached the middle of the crowd. He wanted to be surrounded, consumed, the undeniable feeling that proved that as displaced as he felt in the outside world, that right here in this moment he belonged. They were all strangers with a mutual love, a tether combining them and linking them explicitly together, even if for only a few hours. A warm hand trailed down the expanse of his arm and he was drawn out of his daze, eyes flying to the same girl he had served at the bar previously.

She raised herself on her toes, leaning into Luke, hand delicately placed on his forearm. With her lips close to his ear, she shouted making Luke slightly wince, “I’m Hannah.” 

“Luke.” He answered a few octaves lower, he wasn’t as fussed at the thought of whether she could hear him or not. She backed away slowly and smirked at him as her body began to sway beside him, an invitation to join glinting in her gaze. Luke had to stop himself from telling her he didn’t really dance much. Instead he steadily began to mirror her movements. Luke wasn’t well versed in the politics of flirtation and romance. Sure, at the age of thirteen he had been cornered in a kitchen for his first kiss while his mother sat in the next room discussing Pride & Prejudice with her book club but that was about as far as his expertise had gone. Luke never had much time or interest for the majority of his early teenage years. Luke went through life with single minded intensity and when that all fell on music there wasn’t much of him left to entertain anything else. But romance, relationships, sexuality was always something that Luke didn’t think much of, nor really understood much about and know with the lingering image of a boy meeting his gaze through the hazy window of a city bus, the concepts only further confused him, particularly the latter. 

Luke’s eyes fluttered close, feeling the swarm of bodies around him, the sweltering heat and music so loud it left a delicious ringing in his ears. His body moved to its own accord, the hidden beat of a snare drum its leader, mimicking the kicking of his heart. Delicate fingers dragged away from his arm, over his shoulder and sneaking behind his neck. Luke could feel his body determining if the feeling was okay and when a brush of breath danced across his lips, his body shivered.

The girl's soft lips were placed against his own and it only took a moment for him to decide that yes, romance, relationships, sexuality were concepts he didn’t quite understand fully but he would have to learn. Because despite the feminine, floral perfume that tickled his nose and the delicate cherry lips that moved against his own, behind his closed eyelids all he saw was rosy cheeks, raven hair and wide green eyes enveloping his entire being and he doubted they’d let him go anytime soon.

And Luke didn’t think he wanted them to.


	2. Two: we choose between reality and madness, it's either sadness or euphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you guys like it!  
> I really liked writing Alex and Luke together properly for the first time but oh god it hurts my heart.
> 
> I'm currently reading the book 'Red, White and Royal Blue' and I hate the part of my brain that's constantly like 'you should make a Luke/Alex AU based on this' cause I need to stop, I already have so many JATP ideas for after this series already.
> 
> Thank you for all the reads, kudos, comments and love so far on this. It warms my little cold heart :) I love hearing your takes on everything!
> 
> Chapter title from the song 'Summer Highland Falls' by Billy Joel
> 
> Happy Reading!

Two: we choose between reality and madness, it’s either sadness or euphoria  
December 2017

The ocean used to make him feel scared, small and out of his depths, quite literally. It was the wide, expansive unknown with no way of being aware of what lurked beneath or where it would lead you. Sure, every geography book laid out the map clear and simple but it’s small scale never translated to the real thing. Not when Luke would find himself drifting with only blue ahead of him, where if he looked far enough, he could see the sky and sea become one. Some days he wondered what would have happened if he continued swimming, farther and farther into the unknown; would he discover something new or lose himself in the process. In many respects, the ocean was like life like that and where the idea of moving into the unknown once had scared him it now thrilled him. Ever since he had come to that conclusion, Luke had made peace with the sea. He appreciated it more now, he felt calm within the flowing waves around his body. The ocean was the wide, expansive unknown yet Luke was a part of it. He feels insignificant yet also a part of something bigger. If the ocean was like life, then no matter how insignificant he felt, every time he moved and the water shifted or every time his fingers danced along the surface causing the water to ripple he felt comfort in knowing he could likewise make an imprint like that in life, on the world. Everyone is a part of a greater scheme of things, every day we leave our mark even without knowing we’re doing so, every day we touch the world and lives of others. So how could anyone ever really be seen as insignificant. 

Despite the cold waves that consumed him on this dull December morning, Luke felt light and infinite. He wasn’t sure what had inspired him to go for a swim in the middle of December at nearly seven in the morning but as Luke had first been submerged in the water, body numb and tingling with a vigorous sense of life, he had thanked his impulsive morning plans. He’d spent close to forty minutes in the sea, swimming out as far as he could manage until the beach seemed like a faraway speck and diving underwater to hold his breath and waiting until the air filled his lungs and stung his chest before he would rise to surface with a thunderous gasp. As the morning air filtered through him and warmed his body, he sighed in delight feeling alive. As he moved back to shore, he opted to let his body rest, floating aimlessly through the languid waters. The water engulfed the back of his head, the moving ocean creating a slow, hypnotic song against his ears. With his eyes closed and hands drifting through the water, feeling the waves slip between his fingers, he felt weightless. 

Unfortunately, he knew he couldn’t stay here forever. His eyes slowly opened, a few quick blinks before he focused, taking in the sky above him. The one grey morning was slowly converting into day, blue skies and clouds overtaking. Luke pushed himself down, breaking his moment of unbridled tranquility and trading it in for wading water, swimming back to the beach. As he found his footing against the wet sand, his gaze found the beach ahead where a familiar blonde was sat beside Luke’s belongings with a shy smile on his lips when his gaze connected with Luke’s. Alex. 

Luke had met Alex a little more than a month ago. Alex had fallen for him, quite literally. Luke had been busking outside a small cafe only a few streets away from the beach when Alex had come rushing by on his phone and his mind elsewhere as he tumbled right over Luke’s open guitar case. Luke had helped him up, not missing the quick double take Alex had made, focusing on him and taking him in before he commenced the argument of who’s fault it was. Luke had just watched him with a small smile before offering to buy him coffee. Alex had been a source of guidance for Luke. He had confided in Alex about his shortcomings with understanding the spectrum of sexuality and where exactly Luke resided on it. Alex had never made Luke feel less for not understanding that part of himself yet, instead he gave him the room to grow and flourish within. It hadn’t taken long to realise that despite still figuring himself out, Luke knew one thing for sure, he had wanted to kiss Alex. Now a month and numerous kisses later, Luke was happy he had taken that chance. Alex was his first kiss with a boy, his first real relationship, it was new territory but they were making it work. 

Luke trudged his way up the beach, droplets of water latching onto his skin and swim shorts making each step feel heavy. Alex sat with his arms wrapped around his legs and holding them close to his chest. Luke could see the way his boyfriend’s eyes raked down his figure before he broke his gaze to stare at the ground, sheepishly. Luke was Alex’s first relationship too and while Alex was more secure in his sexuality and what he wanted, it was still new for him too. He was timid and calculated in his flirtation and touches, never knowing what was too much or too little. But Luke didn’t mind, he wanted whatever Alex gave him and at whatever pace Alex was comfortable with. And as Alex glanced back to meet Luke’s eyes as the boy reached him, Luke was certain of the fact that he loved having Alex’s eyes on him. 

“You were out there for awhile. At one point I thought you were doing a real deadman’s float you hadn’t moved in so long.” Alex jested, grabbing Luke’s towel and throwing it to him from where he sat beside his stuff. Alex wasn’t a fan of water and Luke was beginning to think the boy had a genuine fear of it. Luke happily accepted the offering, wiping the soft fabric of the towel down his face. He leaned over Alex before he began shaking out his hair like a dog, decorating Alex with tiny droplets. Alex reached out to smack the boy away and Luke jumped back a step. 

“A little bit of etiquette, please.” Alex scolded but his face harboured no expression of annoyance. Instead his lips stretched into a shy, adoring smile, one he tried to hide by dropping his head, all of a sudden interested in the sand underneath his shoes. Luke raised the towel to his head, shaking out his hair. The morning was still early and the beach was bare except the few surfers out to grab the first waves of the day. Although it was a sporadic hobby of his, Luke would find himself sometimes out at the ocean for morning swims and each time Alex would come and watch him before heading off to school. 

“What, Alex? You don’t like it when I make you wet.” Luke raised his eyebrows teasingly at his innuendo and he could see where a blush was creeping its way up Alex’s neck and onto his cheeks. 

“It’s too early in the morning for this.” Alex grumbled, falling back to lie against the sand yet his tone was still dripping in affection. Luke giggled at his exasperated expression before falling to his knees on the sand and crawling up beside Alex, lying down beside the boy on his stomach. Alex turned his head, meeting Luke’s gaze from where the boy observed him closely. 

After a moment of silence in which Luke’s hazel eyes never left Alex and the blonde boy squirmed underneath the examination, Luke spoke up, his voice quiet. “You worried about tomorrow?” 

“Worried you’re going to make sexual jokes at my expense to my friends? Yeah, very much.” Alex mumbled, looking a little dazed as his eyes glanced down to Luke’s mouth where a small drop of the ocean still clung to his top lip. Reaching up quickly he brushed it away with his thumb before flitting his gaze back up to meet Luke’s. 

“Give me a bit of credit here. I’m not gonna make sexual jokes right off the bat.” Luke assures but Alex doesn’t seem like he’s completely buying it. Luke tilts his head to the right as his eyes trace the plains of Alex’s face, committing the way he looks under the morning sun to memory. A wide smile overtakes his lips and he has to bite his bottom lip to contain it. “You know, unless the moment calls for it.”

“It won’t.” Alex quickly reassures. 

Luke chuckles, “But you never know, it might do.”

“I’ll personally see to it, that the need for it will never arise.” Alex guarantees with finality and Luke can’t help but laugh at the taller boy. Luke props his elbow into the sand, raising his hand to support his head. His other hand, still damp with sea water sneaks across to Alex, his fingers playing with the buttons on Alex’s denim jacket. For a moment they stay like that in the quiet, with Alex watching Luke closely and the Patterson boy staying fixated on the hard metal between his fingers. 

“Do you think they’ll like me?” Luke questions, his voice small. He knew he talked a big game but it had been months since he dropped out of high school and as a result months since he had social contact with people his own age. He knew it was his own fault for not keeping contact with anyone from his old school but as time went on it came more and more apparent that the fact that they went to the same high school was the only thing he had in common with most people. And now, without that common factor they really had nothing. If Luke was being honest, his ‘friendships’ were something that were long gone before he had even left school. There was no point in holding onto something that wasn’t there to begin with. Alex’s hand reaching down to meet his, made him raise his gaze.

“Of course, they’re going to love you!” He reassured and Luke’s lips twisted into a smile even though he wasn’t sure he was fully convinced. “Julie has been begging to meet you for awhile and we can’t disappoint her. They’re all going to love you, okay. You and Julie can talk about music until your heart's content. Flynn will love you naturally and will probably think you’re really cute.”

Luke blushed at that one, a smile teasing the corners of his lips. Alex delighted in the fact he seemed less apprehensive before continuing, “And you and Reggie have similar idiot humour so you two can mess around and make jokes at my expense and I promise not to get too annoyed.” 

Luke’s eyes fell to where their hands were entwined, their fingers fidgeting until it became a lazy game of ‘thumb war’. Luke laughed, losing as Alex’s thumb pushed his down and he met Alex’s glimmering gaze again. “Okay, that sounds great.” 

“We should get up. I need to head to school.” Alex dropped Luke’s hand and he immediately missed the feeling. Alex pushed himself up, dusting the sand off himself before he reached out to Luke. Luke turned over grasping Alex’s offered hand, pulling himself up. “What are you up to today?”

Luke grabbed his towel from where he had discarded it a few moments before and began patting down his body, shaking off the uncomfortable sand that had glued itself to his skin. Luke met Alex’s curious gaze as he did. “I need to go home and shower then I’m meeting Caleb for lunch. Going to ask for tomorrow off work so I can go to the party.”

Alex looked at him, incredulous. “You said it was a sure thing. You’ve haven’t even asked him for the night off yet?”

“I meant to, I’ve just been busy.” Luke answered with a bashful smile and a shrug of his shoulders. Alex raised an eyebrow underneath the blonde hair that fell onto his forehead and sent Luke an expression that told him Alex didn’t fully believe him. He shrugged again. “Okay, more like I’ve been procrastinating.” 

“Sounds more like it.” Alex muttered, but there was a teasing smile on his lips. Once dry, Luke reached down to his bag picking out his shirt and throwing it over his head as Alex bent down and picked up his own school bag, pulling it over his shoulder. 

“Don’t worry, Alex. Caleb is cool about this sort of thing. He’ll let me go.” Luke raised a reassuring hand to Alex’s arm, rubbing up and down comfortingly. Alex nodded his head, a small closed lip smile on his lips. Luke began to move forward to press his own lips into Alex’s but the blonde boy stepped back. Luke paused, meeting Alex’s gaze as the other boy nodded to their side where a surfer was walking by. Luke nodded in understanding. Despite Alex being out to friends and family, he still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable with the public and the unpredictability of people and Luke understood and respected that, though some days he did forget. 

“I better go before I’m late for my first period. I’ll call you tonight.” Luke nodded, trying to keep himself still and not make the move to kiss Alex again, especially when it seemed like a natural response it made it harder to remember to resist. Alex patted Luke’s arm gently before turning to walk away, Luke muttering a quiet goodbye. 

As Alex got further away, Luke stood with his gaze still fixated on the boy as more distance was put between them. As Alex reached the street, he glanced back over his shoulder to Luke, happy to find the Patterson boy hadn’t looked away yet. Since they weren’t allowed to properly kiss, Luke did what he considered the next best thing, pressing his fingers to his mouth in a kiss before sending it Alex’s way. Without any doubt, Alex reached out and caught it. Just like Luke knew he would. 

🎸

Luke was usually late. He didn’t mean to and he knew it was something that drove people around him crazy but it was something he did without even realising. His mind and body moved at different speeds and distraction was always imminent. That’s how he found himself ten minutes late to meet Caleb for lunch, his guitar case beating against his back as he jogged down the busy city street. He had admittedly gotten distracted and too inside his head as he had been making his way to Caleb’s chosen cafe. All because he had come across a familiar bus stop as he traveled through the bustling pedestrians. He had frozen on the spot, his eyes flitting around the area as if by some chance he could relive the moment that had taken place at this very spot over a year ago. In the months that had proceeded that December, Luke had frequented the bus stop, always with the unfulfilled hopes that he would see that boy again. Months of futile attempts and disappointment had taken its toll on Luke but he couldn’t find it in himself to give up. Instead, he opted for a new approach. His mother had told him when he was little that things happened when you least expect it so Luke decided to believe her words. So he traded in active searching for faith in the mysterious way in which the world worked. He put the responsibility in the hands of fate, trusting that it knew best. Luke became a believer in the wonders of the world, knowing that when he least expected it they would reunite them again. Until then, he would wait and try not to cloud his mind with impatient thoughts of what was to come. He opted to leave his thoughts hidden within the depths of the bus shelter as backed away and headed back on his trail to where Caleb was awaiting his arrival.

A gust of hot air and the strong aroma of coffee grounds were the first to hit him as slinked through the cafe’s door. His eyes flitted through the dark coffee house, finding Caleb occupying a table close to the windows as the world went by yet his uncle’s eyes were glued to his phone screen. Luke bounded over, grasping Caleb’s attention as he pulled his guitar case from shoulders, placing it down gently against the wall behind his chair. 

“Do you go anywhere without that thing?” Caleb asked, a hidden smile threatening to peak out from his lips. Luke rolled his eyes as he sat and Caleb locked his phone, placing it on the table ready to forget about it for the rest of the meal. 

“Good day to you too. I’m great, thanks for asking.” Luke jested, pulling in his chair closer to the table before leaning back into it. Caleb rolled his eyes playfully before picking up his espresso cup, downing the rest of the contents in a swift move. Luke’s eyes glanced to the mug of coffee that was sitting on his side of the table for him, he raised his gaze to Caleb again, understanding. “Did you order already? Did you get me-”

“The pancakes with extra maple syrup? Yes. I know you too well, kid.” Caleb leaned his arm over the empty chair beside him and watched as Luke sent him a large grin. His stomach growled in anticipation and Caleb raised a brow. “I’m guessing you didn’t get breakfast.”

“Nah, I went for a swim this morning and met up with Alex for a bit.” Luke explained, sipping his own drink. By now the coffee was lukewarm but he didn’t mind. “I went home for a shower but had to leave to come here right after. I’m starving.” 

Caleb’s ringed fingers tapped against the wooden table, the musical drumming attracting Luke’s attention. Caleb paused the movements for a quick moment, asking. “How is Alex?” 

While Luke’s parents had met Alex only a short week ago and were aware of the nature of their relationship, Luke never felt open addressing any details with them. Although he knew Emily was impatiently waiting for the moment Luke might open up. It was Luke’s first relationship and he knew she wanted to be involved to some degree but Luke wasn’t sure how much he wanted that. Even though Alex made sure Luke knew he didn’t mind Luke’s lack of experience or understanding of himself in that respect, Luke still felt a pinch in his heart of not knowing. How was anyone else supposed to understand and know him when he didn’t even know himself. 

“Yeah, he’s good.” Luke nodded, though his head was elsewhere. His fingers toyed with a sugar packet he had pulled from the brimming cup of sachets in the middle of the table. His gaze met Caleb’s again, though his hands remained fidgeting. “I wanted to talk to you about that actually. Alex wants me to meet his friends and his friend Julie is holding a Christmas get together tomorrow night and I was wondering if I could get the night off to go.” 

Luke held his breath as Caleb’s expression was contemplative. Before his uncle could answer, a waitress came by placing their orders before them and Caleb thanked her appreciatively, starting a quick yet pleasant conversation. Caleb was a charmer and Luke cursed that trait as he waited impatiently for Caleb’s answer. The waitress headed off to make Caleb another coffee and Luke leaned across the table, eyes wide and gazing up at Caleb. “So?”

“Oh, that, right. Sure, you can have the night off.” Caleb was focusing on his salad, placing a napkin on his lap and Luke burst into a wide grin, returning to his own meal. Luke had begun working a bit more full time for Caleb since he had dropped out of high school, to earn his keep. It was much to his parents disgust but he knew his mother was on the verge of giving up fighting him on the topic. “I’m sure Dex can fill in for you.”

Caleb grabbed his phone again, presumably sending Luke’s co-worker, Dex, a message. With an appreciative smile, Luke began gorging on his food much to Caleb’s disgust as he scoffed at Luke’s poor table manners. Once Caleb slides his phone back onto the table, there’s a moment of silence as if he’s contemplating something before he speaks. “Have you thought anymore about heading back to school?”

Luke immediately freezes from where he was about to fit another forkful of pancakes into his mouth. His suspicious hazel eyes rake the plains of Caleb’s face as he assesses him. Luke lowers his fork to his plate, losing his appetite for a minute. “Did Mom put you up to this?

Caleb sighs, dropping his own utensils onto his plate, eyes meeting Luke’s quizzing ones. “She’s worried about you, Luke.”

“She’s worried about what will happen to me if I never go back to school but she doesn’t think about what it means for me if I go back.” Luke’s days of skipping had come to an end that December when his parents had found out about his abundant absences. He promised to fix the error of his ways, which definitely didn’t last long, as by the time the next February had rolled around Luke had decided to give up altogether. The circumstances in which Luke had left his high school career meant that if he was to return he would have to redo the year he had missed out on and Luke wasn’t going to do that to himself. Even just the thought of returning made him feel suffocated.

“Luke, we just want to make sure you’re sure this is what you want. That you’re not going to really regret this later. Sure, not everyone needs to go to college but this is high school, Luke. Don’t you at least want to finish that.” Luke knew if music failed him, the circumstances weren’t ideal but that was the thing, he didn’t think it would fail him. Music was a part of him and he’d rather risk it all than think years from now ‘what if’. 

“I don’t want to waste my time with something that makes me unhappy. I don’t want to miss my chance because trigonometry got in the way.” Luke’s voice is small, as he stares down at the table. Caleb was the one person who understood and without him he feared he’d be all alone again, spilling his deepest thoughts into his songbook instead of a confidant. 

“Luke you are not going to miss your chance.” Caleb assured with a sigh and his hand reached across the table to squeeze the younger boy’s shoulder. “You're a talented kid, and your time will come. It won’t pass you by if it’s destined for you. You can’t force anything, but you can wait and you’ll know when the moment is yours because you will feel it with every bone in your body and your entire being will scream; it’s my time!”

Luke met the older man’s eyes, a timid smile on his face. “You really think so?”

Caleb had nodded his head sincerely, telling Luke he believed in his words. Luke trusted Caleb, so with a soft smile, he believed him too. The pair fell into mindless conversation from Christmas plans to upcoming shows at The Orpheum as they continue to finish their lunch. Luke was wiping away stray maple syrup from where it had trailed down his chin when his breath audibly hitched. Caleb’s attention was raised to the younger boy, eyebrows furrowed as he followed the path to what Luke’s gaze had latched onto. Luke paid his company no mind, his hazel eyes fixated on a familiar leather jacket that stood by the counter. Luke’s body was ready to move before his mind had registered it, his hands pressing against the table ready to push himself up to stand. His gaze travelled up from the jacket to the boy’s face and his body froze and with it his hope dissolved again. It was a familiar jacket but it wasn’t a familiar boy. 

“You know him?” Caleb asked casually and Luke had to brush off his disappointment. He settled back into his seat, the moment broken as he returned Caleb’s close stare. He shook his head.

“No. Just thought he was someone I knew.” Luke muttered, crossing his arms against the side of the table. He was beginning to think that incident a year ago was a figment of his imagination. Every time he thought he saw the boy or was reminded of him, it started to feel like his mind playing tricks on him. His gaze cautiously glanced back to the boy at the counter and thought about the boy from the bus stop. What once had felt so tangible now felt like a faraway dream. He thought of Alex, caring, worrisome and goofy and once again Luke was confused about where he stood. 

His eyes shifted back to Caleb who was quietly sipping his coffee and Luke paused in contemplation for a quick moment, deciding if he should divulge the questions he’s been pondering in his mind. “Caleb, when did you know...that you were….you know?”

Luke cursed himself for his phrasing, wincing at how awkward he had sounded. He was glad that those in his life hadn’t immediately asked the question of ‘what he was’ when he began spending time with Alex even if Luke was asking himself that question daily. Caleb seemed to understand what Luke was insinuating as he watched him with an amused expression.

“When did I know I was gay?” Caleb offered and Luke nodded bashfully, his gaze not quite meeting Caleb’s. Caleb’s teasing expression eased him somewhat from his initial apprehension of asking. Caleb had been quite private when it came to his life outside of the Orpheum and outside of his relationship to Luke and his parents. Luke didn’t know too much about Caleb in that regard. His Mother had told him about Caleb having a partner who had passed away a few years before Luke was born and that it was still a topic that Luke was warned away from ever mentioning. Albeit unsure, Luke thought Caleb hadn’t had another relationship since, at least one he was open about. Caleb’s playful tone broke Luke out of his thoughts. “Well, legend has it I came out of the womb performing the entire first act of Cabaret so that was a clear sign.”

“Come on, I’m being serious.” Luke scolded through his laughter and Caleb did nothing but smirked at him.

“So was I.” Caleb shrugged his shoulders, his teasing smirk never leaving his lips. Luke forced his grin down and put on an unamused expression making Caleb roll his eyes. Regardless, he listened to Luke’s slightly begging tone. Sighing, his gaze seemed far away as he thought. “I don’t think there was one big epiphany moment and I knew. It was something that seemed to always be there until I was old enough to understand. It wasn’t one big colossal event, it happened gradually.” 

Luke furrowed his brows as he listened, nodding carefully. Caleb pushed further. “Why do you ask?”

“It was like that for Alex. He’s so sure, like it’s something he’s always known.” Luke speaks soft, quiet as his fingers twist together, fidgeting. Alex was sure about who he is, what he likes and what he wanted and Luke wanted that. He wanted to stop wondering and be secure within himself. Luke whispered, “I want to be like that.” 

“Luke, there’s no time limit on figuring yourself out. Everyone is different. It’s not a race or competition. Figuring this out isn’t like finding something new that wasn’t there before, instead it’s something that’s a part of who you are and one day you uncover it and it’s a ‘this makes sense’ moment not a ‘but I wasn’t gay before’ thing.” Luke nods in understanding as Caleb meets his eyes and he can tell Caleb is begging him to not look away again. That this is a conversation not about just talking but about communication. 

“But that’s the thing…” Luke sighs, his shoulders sagging. He is tired and mildly exasperated. “I don’t think I’m gay.” 

“Well that’s why LGBTQ+ is a rainbow.” Caleb states with a fond smile and it lifts Luke’s spirits slightly. “Sexuality isn’t black and white. Not just straight or gay. There’s a whole world in between.” 

Luke grins at Caleb’s words and wonders for a brief moment where he would be without him. “That’s the part where I get confused though.” Luke bites his lip and sucks in a slow breath. “Where exactly in between I belong. Because as far as I know I should be relating to bisexuality and yeah, I kinda do but it always seems like something’s missing. That it’s not a hundred percent me.” 

Caleb nods, pensively as he regards Luke. He can tell the wheels in his uncle’s head are turning and twisting at a rapid pace as his eyes take in the perplexed, lost boy before him. “Okay. When you’re attracted to someone. Girls, guys, other genders what is it that attracts you first? Take Alex for example, what drew you to him?”

Luke stays silent for a moment, his eyes glancing out the window as he mulled over the question in his head. A fond smile captured his lips as he thought of the blonde haired boy. “Well I guess when I first saw him it was his smile. Like this really shy smile that takes over the left side of his mouth. He could take me giving him shit and give it back just as good. He’s caring but not in a smothering kind of way but in a way you feel safe.” 

Luke paused realising he was trailing off with a goofy fond smile on his lips as he stared ahead. He returned his gaze to Caleb, seeing the older man watching him with a sneaking smile. He nodded taking in what Luke had said before asking. “Okay. Has the fact that he’s a boy ever been a factor in why you like him?” 

“I guess the first time I saw a guy and thought about what those feelings meant I was kinda like ‘oh shit, that’s new’.” Luke began, he pictured the boy from the bus clear as day in his head. Luke had been excited and maybe a bit shocked but never scared, never felt like what he felt was wrong just new. “But since then I don’t think it's been a reason why I like someone. Like obviously it’s a part of someone but it’s not a deciding factor.”

Luke sighs, wondering if his words are evening making sense. He places his hands flat on the table before him as if to steady himself, ground himself to something before he falls too deep into his mind. “I don’t like someone because of this or that. It’s just not something I think about when figuring out if I like someone. I just….I just like people. Does that make sense?” 

Luke isn’t sure if the words he decided on translate to Caleb or if what he’s saying is complete nonsense but as he meets his confidant’s gaze he knows he’s not alone. Caleb watches him with a fond smile, one of understanding and Luke feels validated in the feelings that have been creeping within him wanting to be understood, accepted. Caleb speaks, eyes meeting Luke’s and his voice soft. “Perfect sense.” 

Luke feels his chest swell and he sends his uncle a wide grin. He exhales a breath that feels like he’s been holding in for longer than he knew. Just as if he was back floating in the water like earlier that morning, Luke feels weightless. The pair finish their meal and after Luke’s attempts to fight Caleb to let him pay, are futile, the pair make their way out onto the busy, cool street. Caleb’s phone chimes with the reminder of work responsibilities and he pats Luke on the back as he says farewell but before he moves to leave, he gives Luke an instruction.

“When you have time try researching ‘pansexuality’. I think it might help you a lot, kid.” Caleb leaves with a warm smile over his shoulder and Luke stays on the spot outside the cafe, watching as the taller man retreats. Pansexuality. Luke mulls the word over in his mind and whispers it to himself as he begins to walk in the opposite direction of Caleb. The word feels foreign on his tongue yet not out of place. He’s about to whip out his phone right there and search it when his name is being called in a vaguely familiar voice, almost as if from a dull distant memory. He is correct as he looks up and finds a ghost from his past standing before him.

“Nick. Hey, man.” Luke’s voice doesn’t give any emotion away. He feels like he’s stunned but part of him tells him he feels nothing at all. The boy before him is still gangly and awkward but he still looks older than the last time Luke had seen him. Nick seems to be taking him in too, Luke can’t even begin to imagine how he’s changed since the last time Nick saw him either. “How are you?” 

Luke doesn’t like the sound of his own voice. He sounds robotic, monotone, nothing like he usually is. Without even thinking hard about it, his mind had decided on hostility and he felt shame creep up on him. He was the one who left school and cut all ties, it was his fault this boy who once considered him a friend now regarded him as a stranger. He knew Luke’s name but not much else about him now. 

“I’ve been good. School’s been fine. Finally made the team.” Nick looks like he’s searching for something more to say. He’s choosing his words carefully. Luke nods as he listens. When Luke had been on the team, Nick was usually a bench warmer but now at least he had got his chance. Luke even feels happy for him until the realisation sets in and his eyes fall to Nick’s varsity jacket. Number seventeen. It used to be Luke’s. Luke hates the pang of sentimentality that hits him and the pain that stings in its place. This was life, people got replaced all the time. Luke never thought much for school or the game, so why did the thought sting. 

“That’s great man, you deserve it.” Luke’s voice is clipped but the once tense Nick doesn’t seem to notice as he relaxes when Luke’s gaze leaves the white numbers that had been staring back at him. Luke grabs hold of his case strap, squeezing it tightly for comfort. Nick only then notices the instrument. 

“How’s the playing going?” He asks, hand raising to gesture at the guitar case that Luke is clinging onto for dear life.

“It’s good. It’s good.” Luke rocks back and forth on his heels as the awkward silence takes over the pair. He’s sure his knuckles are turning white with how much force he’s holding the strap with. Nick shoves his hands into his jacket pockets, nodding his head and Luke wants nothing more to scream and tell him to give up the pleasantries. 

“You’re still working at The Orpheum right?” Nick asks next and Luke doesn’t miss the hopeful way in which he says it. Luke liked to think he could get a good read on people and as he watched Nick with suspicious eyes, he knew exactly where the smaller boy was heading. Luke only nods in response not wanting to speak, to appear too eager to appease whatever Nick was trying to get out of him. As Nick speaks again, Luke’s suspicions are confirmed. “Oh cool, there’s this sold out Cigarettes After Sex show there next week and I was-”

There it was. Exchanging pleasantries and cordial conversation, not for the good of it or interest in what each other were doing but because Nick wanted something that Luke had. It wasn’t a conversation between the two, only a means to a transaction. Luke clicked his tongue before interjecting in the middle of Nick’s question. “You know, I really need to be somewhere but nice seeing ya, Nick.” 

Luke was sliding past Nick without another word, leaving the other boy stuck and speechless. That one conversation had cemented Luke in every thought he ever had about not needing people from that part of his life again. He had always felt a ping of guilt, telling himself maybe he was throwing away people in a too blasé fashion. But who was he kidding? Where he left that part of himself behind, where he left high school behind, he left those within it behind too. He didn’t need them. And he couldn’t help but hope if all ran smoothly tomorrow night, that Alex’s friends could become his. Maybe he could find a new pack to join and finally find a new place to belong.

🎸

Pansexuality is sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. 

Luke had stared at the definition for more than thirty minutes and had researched the ins and outs of pansexuality for more than half the night before. When he had finally shut his laptop as it was closing in on three in the morning, he had sat in the darkness and cried. His nerves relaxed as his body exhaled and he felt for the first time in a long time that he could make sense of himself. Because that was it. This was him. He was pansexual. Staring at those words through the illuminated screen was like looking at himself through a mirror that had once been cracked and distorted and was finally repaired and one piece again. He saw himself reflected back in those words and felt like he wasn’t just lost and drifting. He no longer had to search through the ‘in between’ finding where exactly he fit. Sexuality was no longer black and white for him, it was magenta, yellow and blue. It was Luke. 

He pressed send on his message to Alex letting him know he was close to Julie’s house before he returned to the maps he had open, following its lead. He hadn’t told Alex about his new discovery yet. He had decided to wait especially when Luke had spent most of the day saying the word over and over, until saying it was second nature to him. He walked through the neighbourhood with the twinkling lights illuminating his way as he walked with an extra skip in his step. As he closes in on his location, he can hear the lively cheers coming from party goers and the addictive beats of overplayed Christmas songs filtering through the night air and Luke finds himself putting more speed into his step. As he reaches the top of the driveway, his eyes glide over the name ‘Molina’ painted across the mailbox in white script and he smiles to himself before pulling out his phone again, to let Alex know he was here. 

Shoving his phone into his pocket, Luke pulled his wool flannel closer to his body. He began walking towards the front door, trying to push aside his remaining apprehension. His mind had betrayed his confidence a few times that day, asking him questions like would Alex’s friends like him and accept him. Luke usually wasn’t one to care too much about what other people thought of him but this time it was important. Important to Alex and important to him. He walked through the opened front door, immediately hit with warmth he loosened his grip on his flannel and began a descent into the house. People lined the rooms joking and sharing anecdotes and the spirited atmosphere was infectious. Luke didn’t know anyone but he didn’t feel out of place. He shifted through the crowd and made his way into a dining room, his eyes flitting through the groups in search of the taller blonde haired boy. A hand latched onto his from behind and he spun around meeting Alex’s shy smile and Luke could tell he was feeling the smallest waves of anxiety and nervousness too.

“Alex!” Luke cheered, deciding the best way to get Alex out of his anxious state was distraction and Luke was beaming to tell his boyfriend his news. Alex’s hand fell from Luke’s as the brunette began wildly moving his own hands as he spoke. “You’ll never guess what.”

“What?” Alex guessed with a teasing grin taking over his previously timid one. Luke rolled his eyes at the boy but his own smile remained beaming. His body was vibrating with excitement and he knew he didn’t have to fear, Alex would accept and support him regardless just as he had been.

“I figured it out. I’m pansexual.” Luke whisper-shouted, his own small declaration for Alex and in this moment for Alex alone. His boyfriend watched him with sweet, soft eyes that shun with affection and Luke’s skin warmed under the stare. Luke bit his lip as he added sheepishly, “And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with kitchen utensils like I originally thought.”

“That’s amazing, Luke. I’m so happy for you.” Other than Caleb, Alex was definitely the only other person that knew the extent of Luke’s struggle. How this small factor of who he was, was the source of much uncertainty and unknowing for Luke. And now he was standing before Alex, understanding, confident, happy, whole, himself. Luke. Alex leaned down, his hands wrapping around the back of Luke’s neck gently and placing a kiss both simultaneously hard and delicate against his lips. Luke raised a hand to meet Alex’s arm in momentary shock. Alex had never been one for much PDA and now here they were in a room full of people without a care in the world. When they broke a part, Alex’s hands remained and he met Luke’s questioning gaze.

“I trust these people.” Alex explained simply, his fingers playing with the ends of Luke’s hair and the smaller boy sighed at the feeling. They were in a place Alex felt safe and secure and instantly knew a place he could be too so he smiles, his eyes meeting Alex’s.

“Then I trust them too.” Luke reached up, placing a light kiss to Alex’s lips again and he felt Alex sigh into the feeling. Any apprehension Luke had held about that night had been torn from him by the blonde boy’s lips and Luke’s body relaxed at the feeling.

“Flynn! Flynn! They’re kissing.” An excited voice squealed followed by a harmony of squeals from the two girls and Luke’s ears twitched at the noise. Alex smiled against his lips before they fell apart with a laugh. Alex dragged his hands away at a slow pace, obviously not ready to let go.

“That would be Julie.” He whispered to Luke between his laughs before turning towards the kitchen and the source of the sound. Two girls stood across the kitchen island watching the two boys that had been wrapped in a delicate embrace under the archway of the room. “Julie, Flynn. This is Luke. Luke, this is Julie and Flynn.” 

“So great to finally meet you.” Julie is first to bounce around the island and towards him, hand outstretched. Luke takes it politely and tries to not wince when she squeezes tight. By the look on her face, he’s sure she doesn’t even realise she’s doing it. “Who’s the best guitarist to ever live? One, two, three.” 

The swiftness of her interrogation stuns Luke but he manages to muster up some thoughts before she reaches the end of her count. “Hendrix.” He replies quickly, only then realising that Julie answered the same as he had. She lets go of his hand and sends him a wide grin of approval. 

“Okay, he’s cool.” Julie nods to Alex and Luke can’t help but laugh. Alex shakes his head at the smaller girl. 

“I love that this is your criteria for assessing if someone is cool or not.” Alex laughs, and Luke finds himself leaning into the boy. The action doesn’t go unnoticed by the two girls who share a look.

“Hey, music taste says a lot about a person.” Luke defends and Julie sends him another approving smile in agreement as she nods her head along. Flynn slides up beside Julie, a drink in one hand and the other offered to Luke. Luke takes it in a soft handshake and he’s relieved to find she has a looser grip than Julie.

“Don’t worry I’m probably the only one who won’t speak in ninety percent music references.” She jokes, and Luke appreciates the way she puts him at ease after the quick spitfire round of music trivia Julie had thrown at him. Flynn lets go of his hand and raises the glass in her other. “I need to give this to Reggie but we’ll send him your way, okay?” 

“Great, thanks.” Alex nods as Flynn grabs Julie’s hand. She whispers something into Alex’s ear making him blush before she’s tugging Julie behind her into the crowd. Alex leans against the archway, a small laugh leaving his lips. Luke moves towards him, hand laying softly against his chest.

“What did she say?” Luke questioned, watching the noticeable way that pink danced along the blonde's fair skin. Alex meets Luke’s gaze from where he observes him a few inches away and Alex shrugs.

“Well I did tell you she’d think you're cute.” Now it was Luke’s turn to blush at his words. Alex reached up, his thumb running over the warmth that splashed Luke’s cheekbones as if painting his skin crimson with the touch. Alex’s gaze raised over Luke’s head and his eyes shun and smile beamed as he dropped his fingers from Luke’s cheek.

“Reggie!” Alex, exclaims. Luke is still gazing at Alex, watching how his eyes twinkle and his grin makes the sides of his eyes crinkle and Luke finds himself tilting his head to take him in, his infectious smile taking over Luke too. Luke began to spin around to find the person Alex is beckoning over. He hears his Vans screech against the floor as his body halts to a stop and Luke’s hearing goes static but his vision focuses, becoming singular. Because the boy Luke was beginning to think he had dreamt up is moving their way. His eyes as eerily focused on Luke and reminds him of the day their gazes first met. For the smallest and briefest of seconds it’s just them. 

“Reggie, meet Luke, my boyfriend.” Alex’s voice breaks through the fizzling static and all of a sudden Luke is hyper aware of the situation, of his boyfriend and the feeling of his warm hand against Luke’s arm. The boy before them has reached them but he seems tense, unmoving except for a few quick blinks. Luke wonders if he’s registering the same thing Luke is. That he remembers. It wasn’t just the mystery boy from the bus anymore. It wasn’t green eyes, raven hair and a cool leather jacket anymore. It was Reggie. Alex’s best friend with the same ‘idiot humour’ as Luke. His boyfriend’s best friend. Something seems to snap in Reggie as he registered the pair before him.

“Luke. Of course, lovely to meet you.” His voice sounds mildly robotic, over-thought and acted. It reminded Luke of the way he’d been with Nick yesterday and something in his chest falls. He accepts Reggie’s greeting, pressing his own hand into the other boy’s. Luke wanted to smile, cheer, listen to the voice in his head that had been screaming, ‘It’s you! I found you!’ when he had first laid eyes on the boy moments before. But he held himself together, instead seeking out Reggie’s gaze in a silent asking, do you remember? Looking for any tell to know he wasn’t crazy.

“And Luke, this is Reggie. My best friend since forever, You’ve already heard a lot about him.” Luke’s gaze breaks away to look at Alex who is smiling between the pair and Luke feels uncomfortable, dirty all over. He was entertaining an idea of this boy for so long and here he was. He had waited so long, had wondered and had left it up to fate but that didn’t mean squat now. Because now there was Alex, sweet, caring, beautiful Alex. 

“I’ve heard so much about you it’s like I already know you.” Luke’s voice is low and he’s thankful that Reggie had already dropped his hand because after another minute, Luke would have forgotten to let go. 

“Isn’t he cute?” Alex asks with an affectionate smile on his lips as he gazes down at Luke. Luke smiles back as Alex wraps an arm around his shoulder but Luke doesn’t like the feeling. He feels like a spectacle. He doesn’t address the fact that Alex’s words don’t exactly rub him the right way, instead he stays silent and shy. Reggie laughs and it sounds forced but Alex doesn’t seem to notice. 

“The cutest.” Reggie murmurs, his hands beginning to fidget at his sides. Luke trails his eyes from the boy's hands to his gaze but before he can the boy is mumbling something about using the restroom and moving swiftly away. Luke’s eyes stay on him as he gets swallowed up by the partygoers and the all too familiar vision rocks him slightly. It doesn’t feel real, the surrealty of the situation makes him want to sit down but instead he plasters on a fake smile when Alex makes a joke and begins to lead him into the next room to find the girls again. 

Luke wants to feel overjoyed, ecstatic because after all this time he found the boy from the bus stop. He feels it in his body, a force within him that wants to power through him and emerge with the way he had been imagining he’d feel in this moment for over a year now but he couldn’t. Instead he pressed it down, until the acid in his stomach would burn it until no evidence remained. It meant nothing because he had Alex now. At least it was supposed to mean nothing.

Luke thought about what his mother had said, how things happen when you least expect them to. Once he had found comfort in that thought, that everything was meant to be and when the time came the universe would work in mysterious ways. Luke had given the world the reins, put his fate in their hands, believed and had faith that they would do right by him. But as he stared up at the Molina’s dining room ceiling and up to the heavens, he thought about the universe, the world, fate and he came to one definite conclusion.

Man, the universe could be a dick sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little Easter Eggs:  
> \- Luke's comment about thinking Alex has a fear of water. This fear will be a running theme/topic/symbol throughout Alex's story so thought I'd throw a little nod to it in here.  
> \- Caleb telling Luke he'll know when 'it's his time' paralleling Luke telling Reggie 'it's our time' in the last chapter of One Day in December.
> 
> Okay, it's 4am where I'm from and I gotta go rewatch JATP as a part of the watch along!! So hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Much love!


	3. Three: we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few updates will come a bit slower cause I'm currently setting up an etsy shop and I'm after starting my second semester of college so I'll mostly only have time to write and update on the weekends.  
> I hope I'm balancing moments we've seen before and new scenes well so it's not too repetitive. Chapter 4 will be pretty similar to One Day In December with two new scenes (both of which were mentioned briefly in chapter 6 of ODID so I'm looking forward to finally writing them!!)
> 
> TW; for brief descriptions of Alex's dad being homophobic trash and a brief description of child abuse near the start. And for a scene of underage drinking and alcohol misuse.
> 
> Chapter title from the song 'We Didn't Start The Fire' by Billy Joel  
> Thank you for all the love so far and happy reading!

Three: we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it  
December 2018

Luke had been learning a thing or two about perspective in the past year. With every new thing he witnessed it became even more abundantly apparent that Luke had an admittedly sheltered upbringing. Of course, he didn’t necessarily see it as a bad thing yet it was the past few months of his eighteenth year on this earth that he was beginning to see beyond the innocent, narrow, rose tinted view in which he had previously looked at the world. Ignorance is bliss and for the most part Luke had been consumed by it, unaware and turning a blind eye to many things that turned the world rotten around him. He had always been stuck in a bubble of his own making, never seeing far beyond it as selfish as it was. It had taken a year with Alex, Reggie and the gang to finally burst that bubble, for Luke to realise that not everything was taken at face value. Everyday he could feel himself growing, changing and transforming along with the people and the world around him. Luke wasn’t the center of the universe, he was far from it but that didn’t mean he didn’t think those he cared about deserved the world and much better than what they had been dealt. 

After a few months of being with Alex, Luke was no stranger to knowing that his parents weren’t the most supportive of who Alex was. That was evident in the way half the time Alex refused point blank to return home, alternating between staying with Luke or Reggie. Luke’s first lesson in perspective had come quite soon after Alex began opening up more about his family and the circumstances that made it feel like there was an invisible yet impenetrable wall between Alex and his parents. Luke thought Alex as one of the bravest people he had ever known. While Luke thought of himself as being relatively fearless, he knew deep down that had more to do with him being a self admitted dumbass and nothing to do with courage. But when it came to Alex, he was in awe. Alex was an over-thinker, a worrier and scared of everything he couldn’t control yet despite all this he fought, he did it anyway and for that alone he was undoubtedly brave to Luke. The night Alex had thrown caution to the wind and introduced Luke as his boyfriend to his parents, had gone as well as Alex had expected, yet the Mercer boy had mustered up the courage, refusing to hide. Luke had found himself struck, frozen with Alex’s tense, shaking hand in his own as his father announced that Alex was no son of his. Alex’s body trembled, begging to break down and curl into itself yet the blonde boy stood tall, head held high in a way that made Luke wish that someday he could be half the man Alex was. That night was the first time Alex had ever cried in Luke’s presence. They had laid in Luke’s bed in the depths of the dark, clinging onto one another like lifelines. Luke lay with his chest pressed into Alex’s back and his strong arms wrapped tightly around his boyfriend’s shaking body, his body encompassing Alex’s in a silent promise that he would do everything in his power to shelter him and keep him safe from that day forward. Alex had waited. Laying silently until the hours delved into the a.m. and Luke had closed his eyes and breaths turned shallow in a bid to fall into sleep. Alex had waited until he had figured he was the only one awake before his body shook with heaving sobs that he tried to quietly bury into his chest in fear of Luke ever hearing. Luke hadn’t said anything, hadn’t made any sudden movements, he was certain it wasn’t what Alex had wanted. So feeling helpless and useless, Luke twisted his eyes shut and sighed, slowly holding onto Alex tighter. Alex had moved in with Reggie the next day and as he stood steps away observing Alex as he held onto his friend for dear life, Luke was consumed with a twisting tightness in his chest at the realisation that for everything that Alex wanted and needed Luke for, this was not one of them. He didn’t need Luke like that and Luke had to stand on the sidelines and accept that. 

For every twisting tightness in his chest Luke had experienced that past year caused by Alex, Reggie caused ten times more and Luke found himself conflicted and confused beyond his own understanding. A feeling of guilt had been buried within his gut, no matter how small or unreasonable it was there because Luke wanted to get to know Reggie with a childlike fanaticism that deep down he knew wasn’t okay. It had been a year and Reggie was still as much as an enigma as he was to Luke that day at the bus stop. Everything he knew of Reggie came from stories Alex told of him and Luke wanted nothing more than to experience the version of Reggie from those anecdotes. Around Luke, Reggie was different, always one of two things; either uncomfortably quiet or half way out the door. As the months progressed and spring turned to summer, Luke was becoming more certain that while Luke wanted to know more about the mysterious Peters boy, Reggie wanted nothing to do with him. Luke had caught Reggie’s eyes lingering on him on more than one occasion, with the other boy’s face painted in a dark and emotionless expression and Luke could only assume that Reggie would like for nothing more than to have Luke not be around anymore. The thought filled Luke with an indescribable grief. It was because of Reggie that Luke had experienced his second vital brush with his ever changing perspective on his own life and those of others around him. That summer Luke and Alex had been lying on his bed in the Peters household talking of sweet nothings when the sounds of anguished shouts and an alarming thump ran through the house. Luke couldn’t forget the image, as hard as he tried, of a broken Reggie sheltering his head with his arms braced in a shield against the clenched fists of his father that was painting his skin a sickening yellow. It was an image imprinted in his brain no matter how hard he pleaded with it to erase it. Luke was never a person of violence but that night as he held back the drunken Mr. Peter’s arms in vice like grips and stared into the face of a man more broken than the crumbled boy on the floor, he wanted nothing more than to cause this man as much pain as he had inflicted. Luke constantly found himself thinking of those nights. When Alex had cried because his parents didn’t accept him the way they should and that night when Reggie had made the silent but visibly apparent decision that his parents were only his family through blood but not name. Because while there were many things Luke wasn’t content with in life, he had been fortunate in many respects too. While his parents didn’t understand a lot about him, they still accepted who he was and respected his right to love who he wanted. While he fought with his parents, they had never laid a hand on him. As he broke away from his days of being alone and single minded, he was gaining new perspectives and with it new people he couldn’t help but care for. Even if how much he cared confused him. Because Alex was different to Reggie. Alex waited until the dark wrapped around him and he felt he was alone to break down unlike Reggie who sat down in stunned silence on the Molina’s couch, surrounded by people who cared about him and waited until Ray asked if he was okay to let out mangled cries that blurred his vision as tears trailed down his face. Once again, Luke watched from the sidelines with a clutching fist around his heart and sinking feeling in his stomach as he realised just as he had wrapped his arms around Alex when he cried that Luke had wanted to do the same for Reggie in that moment. To make that silent promise of protection and safety yet Luke knew that it was something he shouldn’t be ruminating, that it wasn’t okay. And most of all, Luke wasn’t in the business of making promises he wasn’t sure he could keep.

So he repressed any and all thoughts about Reggie that made him feel sickening guilt. Instead he avoided them adamantly as he went through his days of wake up, work and sleep. A constant cycle to keep him occupied. That morning as he had awakened with faint hints of sun hitting his eyes and warming his skin, Luke thought about how he used to hate the trope of watching your significant other sleep that would appear in any fictitious form of romantic media that was aimed at teens yet he was slowly beginning to understand the fascination. His eyes scanned the face of his sleeping boyfriend and he felt his chest lighten at how at peace he looked. When Alex was conscious, he was usually all furrowed eyebrows, worry lines denting the skin of his forehead and his bottom lip nearly chewed beyond repair but when he was asleep, his face was free of marks and scars of discontent. He was blissfully unaware, only a slightly twitching nose and soft snores emanating from his slightly ajar lips. Luke didn’t even mind the slight droplet of drool that clung to the side of his damp lips. Luke found comfort that at least in sleep, Alex found peace and quiet away from everything he had gone through the past year. He deserved a break, a chance to be happy. Him and Reggie, both. They were brave, resilient and constantly had Luke in awe. They got knocked down and both managed to help each other back up with smiles on their faces. Luke’s hand reached out, his delicate fingertips drifting across Alex’s skin in a soft caress as he pushed aside the tendrils of blonde hair that fell across his boyfriend’s closed eyes. As he pushed the hair behind Alex’s ear, the touch made Alex’s eyes flutter open slowly. His vision was still foggy with sleep yet he smiled in knowing of the familiar touch.

“You staring at me, Patterson?” Alex murmured, his mouth barely opening as he spoke. His eyes remained closed as he snuggled closer to his pillow, his voice a low grumble and it stirred something inside Luke’s stomach.

“Always.” Luke muttered, his fingertips still tickling Alex’s cheekbones and the Mercer boy tucked his head into his pillow, hiding the splattering pink blush Luke was leaving in his touch’s wake. “You’re a very pretty sleeper. Have I ever told you that, Mercer?” 

Alex’s blush deepened and his eyelids shot open, finding the softly grinning Luke looking down at him from where he lay propped up by his elbow. Alex laughed, licking his lips as he lay on his back, eyes moving from the ceiling to the observing Luke. “You think I’m pretty? That’s very gay of you, Luke.” 

Luke shook his head with a laugh before he shifted, moving his body to cover Alex’s. Leaning down, his chapped lips met Alex’s in a firm kiss. He felt Alex sigh into the feeling. His arms wrapping around Luke’s neck. Luke broke away an inch, his lips brushing against Alex’s as he muttered. “We’ve literally been dating over a year.” 

“I know and you’re whipped.” Alex joked, their lips still teetering on teasing. Luke felt the words against his mouth, he was about to connect their lips in another lingering kiss when Alex proceeded to make a whip noise while his right hand dropped from Luke’s neck to make the accompanying gesture. Luke snapped his neck back, giving Alex an unamused look before lifting his own hand to gently flick Alex’s nose. He watched as the blonde boy’s face scrunched up in reaction before he pushed Luke off him, switching their positions. 

“I thought you had to get up for work.” Luke mumbled but his words get smothered by Alex’s lips although he isn’t complaining. For so long in their relationship, Alex had been reserved, unsure, always visibly overthinking the smallest touches. While he was still finding his footing, he had gotten better and Luke loved seeing how far they had come together. Alex moaned against his lips and Luke’s hand pressed tightly onto Alex’s hip. He thought he must have been doing something right, that was until Alex pulled away the sound leaving his mouth before he spoke.

“You’re right.” Alex groaned again and Luke embarrassedly let his hand fall to the crumpled bed sheets around them. Alex fell back against the bed beside Luke and he found himself twisting to face the blonde boy.

“Call in sick. We can spend the day together.” Luke missed the rush of being around Alex and the others when he and Reggie were at work. Luke only really worked nights, so during the day he found himself busking or at home. When he was with Alex, life was always moving, there was always something to grab their attention, he craved that feeling so much that Luke hated having to go home. At home, it was quiet, it was suburbia, it was mundane. Everything Luke loathed. His hand reached out and his fingertips danced circles around the exposed skin of Alex’s hip. “We can make an impromptu trip to Chicago. Go to baseball games, art galleries, fancy restaurants, a parade-”.

“Okay, now you’re just describing the plot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Alex laughed, though Luke could tell his boyfriend was considering opting out of work for the day. Luke tried to will Alex’s eyes to meet his own but Alex only ran his hands along the length of his face before he sat up on the mattress with a sigh. “I need to go to work. I need the money. And right now I need a shower.” 

Luke stayed where he lay, his eyes following Alex as he pushed himself from the mattress, rummaging through the drawers for new clothes before he moved to climb down the ladder of the loft to the bathroom. Luke lay in the quiet for a few brief moments, knowing he would have to force himself up soon. He would have to leave with Alex and head home much to his dismay. His parents weren’t a fan of how Luke was still stuck in the same cycle of songwriting, busking, staying with Alex and working at the Orpheum. At the moment it was a means to an end. A stop on his way to the place he wanted to be. Luke pushed himself up with a grunt, sifting through the clothes he’d ditched on the floor to find his jeans. Once he had them pulled on, he grabbed for his shirt, standing straighter when he had it in his grasp. His eyes fell on the article of clothing clutched in his hands. The comforting wool, the familiar red and black plaid shirt was soft as it ran through his fingers. Luke couldn’t tell why he didn’t drop the shirt immediately and carry on looking for his own. The feeling of the fabric felt new against his skin but not wrong, not out of place. His skin itched for the feeling of it surrounding him and he was perplexed, scared. It wasn’t his, it wasn’t Alex’s. His mind was screaming at him to wake up and realise that it wasn’t okay to be feeling this way about another guy’s staple piece of clothing especially a boy that wasn’t his boyfriend. He felt an indescribable tie to it, like a comforting feel of a forgotten, foggy memory of solace from when he was a kid. With his eyes fluttering close and a longing to keep that foreign feeling of home he hadn’t felt in awhile filled his body, he pulled his hands to his chest, hugging the fabric to his body. But the moment the soft material dragged along the skin of his bare chest, the spell was broken. Luke threw the shirt back to the ground where he had found it as if the material had scorched his skin. In a way it had, there was a burning lingering on his skin and seeping into his chest and he felt sick. He didn’t want to dwell on the implication of what that feeling could mean. 

His stomach sank and twisted in a way that made a sickening bile rise through his throat. If Alex hadn’t already been in the bathroom, Luke was sure that he would have ran to drape himself over the toilet and let his guilt and shame spill from him in the form of last night’s dinner. Instead he took a moment of pause, breathing deeply and trying to settle the blaze that was trickling against the walls of his stomach. Finding his actual shirt, Luke threw the white muscle tee over his head. The cool familiar fabric did little to extinguish the burn churning inside him. Grabbing his blue sleeveless hoodie, he hurriedly slipped it over his shoulders before climbing down the steps of the loft to find where he had ditched his shoes the night before. Settling to just push down the lingering remnants of his loaded shame and ignore them, Luke grabbed his shoes from where he had ditched them by the couch. As he plopped himself down against the plush couch cushions, his eyes drifted over to the instruments that lay untouched in the corner of the room. Luke found himself frowning at them as his eyes trailed from the guitars to Alex’s drums and Reggie’s bass. He was filled with that grief again at the reminder that Reggie didn’t seem to like him. He was saddened by the fact, especially when he wanted nothing more than to get a chance to play with the guys. They played with Bobby constantly and Luke tried to not take it personally that he was never really invited. Luke wasn’t the biggest fan of Bobby. He tried to tell himself he just didn’t know Bobby and that the fact that he was the person Reggie seemed to flee to when Luke was around had nothing to do with his mild dislike. Luke pulled his knee to his chest as he began sliding his foot into his sneaker, tying his laces before repeating the process with his second shoe. He was in the middle of wrapping the laces together when the garage door creaked open and Luke’s attention was immediately elsewhere. Reggie floated into the garage, body instantly freezing when his eyes met Luke’s. Luke was stunned with the image of the half dressed, disheveled Reggie standing in the doorway, jeans draped over his shoulder, shoes in hand and a crimson blush colouring his whole face. If the heat Luke had felt in his chest and stomach in the loft a few minutes ago was a spark then what he was feeling now was the whole damn firework.

“Good morning.” He drawled, breathless. He swallowed after hearing his own voice. If Reggie wasn’t still staring at him like a deer caught in headlights, Luke would have winced at the way he sounded. He couldn’t help but let his eyes flick from Reggie’s head to his feet and back again. Upon reaching Reggie’s gaze again, he internally scolded himself for making his once over so obvious. Reggie twisted his body slightly, swiftly closing the door behind him before moving over to his things, his back now facing Luke.

“Morning.” Reggie mumbled back, sounding as if he wanted to cave in on himself and Luke felt immensely guilty for being the cause of Reggie’s uncomfort. With Reggie’s eyes off him, Luke finished tying his shoes before letting his feet fall firmly on the ground. He lightly slapped at his cheek in a bid to get himself to wake up and act normal. He froze as Reggie spoke again, taking a moment to register his words. “Where’s Alex?” 

“In the shower.” He replied before standing up and twisting his body around to face Reggie. His eyes widened and body seized up as his gaze trailed along Reggie’s toned back. His pale skin was decorated with red marks like scars. For a moment he was concerned, taking a step forward until the marks became more apparent. They weren’t scars but pink scratches, distinct in their curves and grooves, the product of dragging fingernails over soft skin and to Luke it looked like art. As his eyes followed the marks, his mind betrayed him and conjured up the vivid image of what act had created such markings, and even more wickedly it imagined the fingernails as his own. His fingers twitched at his side and Luke lost his breath for a moment, knowing he needed to change the subject for any chance of preservation of his dignity, integrity and sanity. 

“So what did you get up to last night?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he cursed himself. Fuck. That was definitely not the question he should have been asking in a bid to change the subject. Reggie pulled his jumper over his head and Luke was thankful for the barrier between his gaze and Reggie’s exposed skin. Reggie turned on his heel to face Luke, who immediately felt guilty under his gaze. The day he had first met Reggie’s gaze at that bus stop, just a nameless boy, Luke had thought he could read the Patterson boys mind and now Luke was here, terrified Reggie had known exactly what he had been thinking. Luke stuffed his hands into his hoodie's pockets not trusting himself, as if by hiding them he could hide the imagery his mind had been conjuring up moments before. When Reggie remained quiet watching him, Luke began to panic.

“You don’t have to say. Last night, Alex just mentioned you had plans when I asked where you were.” Luke glanced down to his scuffed shoes, too afraid to make eye contact in case Reggie could see into his soul and bare witness to the sins that lay therein. He had asked Alex the night before of Reggie’s whereabouts despite always knowing what the outcome would be. If Luke was around Reggie was usually light years away, Luke found himself surprised he was able to keep Reggie around as long as he had in that moment, especially without the buffer of Alex. 

“Oh, it was nothing important. Bobby and I wanted to try out some new songs together and thought we’d do it in the house and give you guys some peace.” Luke raised his eyes to find Reggie shrugging and Luke had to stop himself from pointing out that all the instruments hadn’t been moved from the garage in all the time Luke had been there. Though he knew calling Reggie’s bluff wasn’t worth it especially after Alex had divulged his theory of what Reggie and Bobby really got up to in their time away from the gang. The reddening markings left along Reggie’s skin was indicator enough of that and Luke was feeling that sickening pull in his stomach again.

“Croissant?” Reggie’s voice broke Luke’s focus away from his stirring insides. He stood with his hand outstretched, a small white pastry bag swinging between them. Despite the twisting inside him, Luke’s eyes lit up at the gesture and he prayed the tornado inside him would settle long enough for him to digest something. He nodded enthusiastically before accepting Reggie’s offer and heading back to the sofa where he plopped down with a wide smile hidden from the other boy. Maybe making friends with Peters boy wouldn’t prove completely impossible. 

“You coming?” Luke called over his shoulder to ask yet his eyes remained fixed on pulling out the crumbling pastry. He wasn’t sure if he was pushing his luck but this morning would prove one of his first encounters with Reggie where the boy hadn’t ran away after a few short moments so he wanted to see how long he could keep the conversation going. After a few brief beats, Reggie was sitting next to him moving a bit robotically. Luke chewed loudly on his breakfast handing over the bag back to Reggie for the taking. Once he gulped down the remnants of his bite, Luke was humming in delight. “Thanks, dude, this is amazing.” 

“So Alex said you guys play together sometimes, like a band?” The words had spilled from Luke’s mouth seconds after taking another bite. Reggie’s eyes flickered down to his lips and Luke instantly cursed his lack of tact. Luke’s eyes remained on Reggie, taking in every little detail, every small mannerism and fleck of expression that danced along his face. Reggie’s body stammered under his gaze and Luke appreciated it in a way that he wasn’t sure was normal. He liked knowing that to some degree he had an effect on the timid boy. Hell, even if he didn’t like Luke, hate was better than indifference. Luke’s gaze hadn’t wavered nor did his attention and Reggie was about to speak when the far off click of the bathroom door travelled to Luke’s ears. He knew it was Alex emerging yet he couldn’t bring himself to tear his attention away from where it was invested. 

“No, we’re not a band.” Reggie’s voice was a quiet murmur, his eyes not daring to meet Luke’s again. Reggie only lifted his gaze to pass by Luke without a glance, focusing on something behind his shoulder. Luke trailed his eyes down the tired plains of Reggie’s face, the boy looked like a guilty puppy that had been caught doing something it shouldn’t have. Without another word to Luke, Reggie was hopping up to his feet and heading towards Alex, power in his strides. “Oh great, you’re out. I need to use the bathroom real quick, ‘cuse me.”

Luke’s eyes remained on the seat where the boy had vacated at breakneck speed and he had to blink a few times and sigh at the sudden loss. Twisting around in his seat, he heard the distinct lock of the bathroom latched into place. He leaned his arm over the back of the couch meeting Alex’s equally confused eyes. Alex played with the towel in his hands, taking one last quick glance back to the bathroom door as if it could explain to him what was running through Reggie’s mind at the moment, and Luke couldn’t lie, he would have liked to know himself. One minute they seemed like they could have actually begun to bond and the next he was running away once again. Luke thought they could have been friends for once. Wishful thinking on his part.

“What’s up with him?” Alex wondered, his gaze trailing back to Luke slowly as if the other boy could have some hidden idea. Luke let out a harsh exhale giving his boyfriend a saddened shrug, his eyes glancing once more to the bathroom door before returning back to the baffled Alex. 

“I haven’t a clue, ‘Lex.” Luke murmured as his boyfriend sighed, mystified. Despite it being a year of being in Alex and Reggie’s atmosphere Luke was still stumped by the boy. He felt that in some warped way, he had known and understood Reggie better when he was the nameless boy that bumped into him but instead the longer he stuck around the group, he felt like he hadn’t the faintest clue about him. At this point, Luke had more of a chance to unlock the secrets of the universe than he had of knowing Reggie. “He came inside from Bobby’s and we talked for a few minutes. He seemed fine, I thought he was beginning to warm up to me even but then he just ran off again.” 

Luke avoided the sad gaze Alex was giving him, it was only confirming his suspicions that he wasn’t the only one that harboured the idea that Reggie really didn’t like him much. Alex’s warm hand fell onto Luke’s bare bicep giving it a small squeeze and he was forced to meet the blonde’s gaze no matter how much he didn’t want the pity right now. Alex sighed, “Why don’t we just wait and we can ask him what’s up when he gets out?”

Luke’s stomach sank, cornering Reggie so that he can verbally admit to his dislike was definitely not something Luke wanted to hang around for and be a part of. Alex’s hand trailed down Luke’s arm until his fingers slipped between his and Luke sighed at the feeling. He raised their hands to his mouth placing a quick yet firm kiss to the back of Alex’s hand. “I should probably get home. I haven’t been back there in awhile.” 

“Okay,” Alex said, slightly resigned and Luke repeated the gesture of another peck of his lips against Alex’s warm skin before letting their hands fall apart. “I’ll text you tonight.” 

“Sounds good.” Luke turned around and stretched over the couch to meet Alex’s lips in a small farewell kiss. Once he found himself out in the dull, grey morning air Luke couldn’t help but heave in a heavy breath. As he walked up the driveway through to the street, he held it until the air pushed and burned at his lungs. Letting out a trembling exhale he began walking. He didn’t know why it hurt so much, the fact that Reggie wanted nothing to do with him. He assured himself that it was the obvious answer that he wanted to be able to get along with his boyfriend’s best friend for Alex’s sake. Although in the darkest depths and treasure chests of hidden feelings and troublesome thoughts that Luke kept buried deep beneath his wide smiles and vivacious energy he knew he was hurt by the fact that he had once looked at Reggie and saw someone who might be able to understand him, someone that could be someone to him. While Luke had been wrong about many things in his life, this was something he had never wanted to be mistaken about. Because then he would have to admit that everything he had taken for truth, everything Luke had wanted to believe in about that day in December was really just a figment of his imagination and Luke didn’t like the way that thought felt like a punch in his chest. 

Luke was relieved that he didn’t live too far away from Bobby’s place a few blocks over. It made for easy escapes when being home became too much, where constantly having to explain himself went beyond ‘a conversation about life’ as his mother called it and turned more into an ‘interrogation’ as Luke called it. Just another one of the reasons his mother and him could never see eye to eye. Luke knew the stubbornness and hotheadedness they both shared would become their downfall. While Luke usually found himself enjoying carefree people, he found when it came to the case of his father, Mitch was always dancing the fine line between carefree and careless. His parents were polar opposites in that respect. Where Luke found himself wishing his mother cared less he also found himself wishing his father cared more. Mitch was in his own world half the time, always around but never really there. He was a simple man, it was work, dinner, reading the paper and watching football. It had been that way for a few years now, Luke wasn’t exactly sure when the switch flipped from active father to barely invested. His mother had once scolded him for referring to Mitch as more of a sperm donor than a father. He had been joking. Mostly.

Luke pulled his keys from his jacket pocket as he trailed up the driveway. His father would already be on his way to work across the city but as Luke saw his mother’s car nestled in the open garage, he knew he wouldn’t be lucky enough to have a completely quiet morning. His key twisted in the lock slowly as he hoped he’d be able to slip inside and up the stairs into his room undisturbed. As he cautiously closed the door behind him and twisted on his heel to head up the stairs he knew he wasn’t as lucky. Emily stood at the end of the staircase with a hand latched onto the wooden bannister and a displeased frown on her lips. 

“Glad to see you still live in this house.” Luke rolled his eyes at her words as if they were commanding him to do so. He crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged as Emily continued to stare at him unimpressed. “You’ve been barely replying to my messages. It wouldn’t kill you to let me know you’re okay.”

“I was working and I crashed with Alex for a few nights. You know this.” Luke reasoned. He had texted his mother telling her he was staying with his boyfriend after work, so what if one night turned into three. Emily runs a hand through her matted morning hair, sighing exasperatedly. “Come one, where else would I be?”

“Lu, I’m just worried, okay? You work in a place with some questionable people.” Luke scoffed, his laugh humourless and sour. His mother refused to know anything about where he worked despite Caleb vouching for the place and the people constantly. Once his mother got stuck on a preconceived notion, there was no swaying her from it and it exasperated Luke to no end. She had decided what she wanted and nothing Luke could say could ever change her mind. His attempts at reason usually only ended in another argument between the pair. 

“I work shifts with Caleb, Dex and Amy all the time. Amy is married with kids and Dex is studying law, okay? They’re not the jacked up partying coke heads you think they are.” Luke’s words went right into one of his mother’s ears and flooded out the other. He was about to just amble up the staircase and put this whole conversation behind them because he was certain there would never be a day when his mother didn’t just brush off his words but actually listened to him. 

“I met Jennifer Wheeler the other day at the market, telling me all about her son Conor playing football on a scholarship at university.” Emily began and Luke scrunched his face at the manipulative anecdote his mother was getting at. “Imagine how I look having to tell her my son is a high school dropout who works at a dodgy club and works the streets during the day.” 

“Don’t phrase it like that. I busk, I’m not a prostitute.” Luke winced, there was a fiery ball churning in his stomach, simmering and waiting and if he wasn’t careful he was about to reach a boiling point. “And Jennifer Wheeler got her husband by home-wrecking his previous marriage so I don’t think she really has moral ground to stand on in judgement of others.”

Pushing himself past his mother, Luke began up the steps of the staircase knowing if he didn’t walk away and finish this conversation it would keep going in circles, never able to reach a point where they could both be happy. It was always just them reaching a stalemate. Emily didn’t seem to have the same thought as Luke, as she reached out to latch onto her son's arm, twisting him around to look at her again from his place on the second step. “Luke, please just think about how I-”

“This isn’t about you!” Luke burst. For a moment, the sheer volume of his voice even surprised himself. He tried not to notice the way Emily flinched, the guilt began seeping in but he stood strong, unmoving. This wasn’t just something that was new, that only came to a boiling point today. It had been growing inside him for weeks, months, years and he feared that if it festered any longer, all that would be left in its wake would be resentment. 

“This isn’t about you, okay? You always care too much about what people think and I’m sick of it. It’s my life and my choices and if it doesn’t bother me then it shouldn’t bother you. I am my own person. I don’t just live and breathe and exist so I can just serve as a reflection of yourself. Something you can force your expectations on because your expectations weigh on me and I can’t carry them around forever. Yes, I am your son but that doesn’t mean I’m this extension of you.”

Luke breathes, quiet for a moment. His eyes meet the wide, shocked ones of his mother but he can’t find it inside himself to feel guilty about his words. They’re true and the longer he keeps them buried inside the more bitterness that fills him in their wake. And Luke doesn’t want that, to carry around that indignation for life. “This way that you measure your worth and your success in parenting is so warped. You think that if I go to a college and get some humdrum nine to five job in a box office then you’ve done well, you’ve won at parenting even if I’m unhappy.”

“You can judge my choices all you want. But I’m not letting you deflect your misgivings as a parent onto me anymore.” Luke’s voice is quiet. The stark contrast is glaring, making the silence feel overwhelming in the wake of his shouting. “What I’m doing and what I love, that makes me happy. Although you never asked me about that. But whether I’m happy or not doesn’t reflect on your parenting the way me being tediously successful does so why should it matter, right?”

With those parting words, Luke carries on up the stairs. The air swells with his outburst, words now spoken out into the atmosphere, never to be taken back. Despite the way his mother’s face filled him with hurt he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. Locking his bedroom door behind him, Luke was quick to grab his songbook and six string that he had left on his crumpled up bed sheets. He somehow manages to feel both light in the aftermath of his declaration and like he is slowly suffocating. Making his way over to his bay window, he pulls the window up with one hand before climbing out and finding his footing against the firm wooden flooring of his treehouse. Luke had undertaken the job of making himself a treehouse along with his father when he was ten, thinking back it was probably the last time his father had been fully invested in something he was doing. The treehouse quickly became a place of solace for Luke, a place where he would play guitar once his parents would tell him to quit playing for the night, where he would sit and listen to the quiet of suburban Los Angeles and let himself delve so deep into his mind that he would emerge hours later with three new songs in toe. It was here in this treehouse that Caleb had taught Luke to play guitar much to Caleb’s dismay; he was never a fan of small spaces but he still did it for Luke. Luke leaned his back against the slowly rotting wood of the house, his hands trailing along his six string. His parents had always regretted buying him that guitar. He always thought he'd show them, prove to them that he belonged with a guitar in his hand but the more he travelled along this road alone it got harder to keep his head held high.

All Luke wanted was a chance to be himself, play and write the music he loved, connect with others. From the people he went to high school with, to his parents even to Reggie. No one seemed to want to give Luke a chance in any respect. Without even realising he was quietly crying, a tear ran down along his skin and Luke was quick to wipe away at his eyes. Sometimes it was just exhausting. Luke liked to feel he was naturally optimistic and ecstatic about things and he had always known despite not being his blood, it was something he got from Caleb. Despite all this, sometimes the negatives outweigh the positives and as hard as Luke tries to keep up his optimism, sometimes it just isn’t enough. Luke had begun absentmindedly strumming as he thought when his phone chirped with a text. Pulling out the device from his pocket, the sight of Alex’s name on his screen filled his chest with a warmth he’d been missing since he had woken up in the blonde boy’s arms that morning. As Luke read over his boyfriend’s message he couldn’t help but let a soft, wide smile lift the corners of his mouth. 

‘Reggie said he wants you to join us for a movie night this week. You game?’

Luke was quick to bash out an enthusiastic reply before he placed his phone down beside him. His fingers returned to their mindless strumming and Luke’s dreamy smile remained on his chapped lips because finally, someone was willing to give him a chance after all.

🎸

That’s how two days later, Luke found himself sitting in the Wilson’s garage with a sleepy Alex clung to his side, ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ illuminating the television before them and Luke’s mind somewhere else entirely. Usually around Reggie and Alex, Luke felt like an outsider intruding on something sacred. Before he had felt it in the way Reggie would send him looks when he thought he wasn’t paying attention or the way Reggie escaped through the closest route when he came around, but that night it was in the way he watched Alex and Reggie interact when he had first arrived that had him feeling out of place. He had watched them with a fond smile as they scuffled and joked like the lifelong friends they were and Luke couldn’t help but feel like an intruder, someone who had never fully experienced the mechanics of having a best friend. As the night continued and Reggie willingly spoke to Luke over their mutual love of the franchise, Luke felt lighter knowing the pair could bond over something. He couldn’t help but smile and feel his heart skip a beat so quickly he almost hadn’t noticed when he and Reggie had answered Alex’s question of what movie to watch in sync. Sure ‘Empire’ was a lot of people’s favourite film so it really shouldn’t have felt like a mystifying coincidence, a sign. If his experience with signs in the past, especially when they connected to Reggie, was anything to go off, Luke knew it was best not to read into something that would prove less of a deal than what his mind was conjuring up.

The small moment of their eyes meeting after the same words had left their mouths in synchronization had still been enough to make Luke share hopefully subtle, glances at Reggie for the rest of the night. His hazel eyes always managed to find a way back to the boy as if he hoped with each time he returned his gaze that he could make sense of the fluttering in his stomach and the way it turned into a sinking feeling when his stare moved from Reggie back to Alex. Luke was relieved for the brief few moments he had alone with his thoughts upon Reggie slipping to the bathroom near the third act of the movie. Alex had fallen asleep nearly an hour into the movie, his head resting against Luke’s shoulder and his face tucked into his neck. The feeling of Alex’s low breaths dancing across his skin made his entire body crawl especially when his eyes were usually locked on a raven boy across the room. Luke closed his eyes for a quick moment and exhaled, infuriated with himself. He wished that somewhere inside him there was an off switch for his confusing feelings and subsequent thoughts that tried to make sense of it all. Normally Luke was a fan of loudness, of noise, he revelled in it but with the chaos of his mind he really wanted for nothing more than for it to shut up, to just be silent. Luke attempted to keep his eyes glued to the screen for the rest of the film yet his attempts proved futile. As Leia admitted her love for Han Solo, Luke’s eyes moved towards Reggie once again. The raven haired boy was wrapped in a blanket from his armchair, arms wrapped around himself as he stared at the screen that was illuminating his face perfectly for Luke. Reggie’s eyes were filled with an unmistakable fondness that told Luke just how much the boy really did love the film. His thin lips began moving involuntarily, mouthing the words in sink with the characters before he let a sweet, shy smile overtake the sides of his mouth. Luke couldn’t help but mirror the same gentle smile but deep within his chest he could feel an oncoming tightness, his mind scolding him for his inability to look away. Luke was sick of feeling this way, his emotions wavering the fine line between the light and dark. Because Luke was baffled and his mind was a whirlwind trying to decipher exactly that was going on inside him. Luke didn’t know what was worse, staying in this confusion, feeling himself being internally tugged in different directions or trying to delve into his thoughts and try to make sense of himself. Although the latter terrified Luke, he wasn’t sure if he’d be in a worse position if he knew the outcome and maybe to some degree he already knew what that outcome was.

So Luke resolved to stay quiet, avoiding the blistering questions that lined his mind impatiently waiting to be answered but Luke was opting for ignorance of admittance, of the truth. Ignorance was bliss and he told himself if he stayed away from trying to understand the inner conflict rising inside him, he could move on with his days. Feigning ignorance and being unaffected when it came to a certain Peters boy was proving harder with each day as his mind was refusing to listen to him and becoming his own worst enemy. The gang had been in the garage one lazy Saturday afternoon, trading stories, jokes and playing each other songs when the group had shifted the conversation around Luke to dating while the Patterson boy mindlessly strummed at one of Bobby’s guitars that had been lying about. Though his attention had been sparked when the girls and Alex began teasing and questioning Reggie about his lack of dating partners as of late. Apparently being the only one sensing his discomfort, Luke had tried to sway the topic elsewhere much to no avail. Eventually Reggie had rushed out of the garage and Alex and Julie quickly followed behind, peeking out from the crack in the ajar garage door.

“Is he asking out Bobby? Finally!” Julie had whispered, cheered and Flynn whooped from her spot beside the couch. Luke only found himself burying himself into the couch cushions and found that part of him hoped they’d swallow him whole. 

“I don’t know. I don’t think they like each other like that.” Alex replied from where he was peering over Julie to the events happening in the driveway. Luke felt his teeth grit slightly and he had to silently reprimand himself for his sour mood. As much as he ignored it and would never admit it to himself, he knew exactly what was the reason behind his tight jaw and bitter feeling rising within him.

“Please, they’re boning. You have to like someone to some degree to -” Luke blurred out Julie’s voice, missing Alex rebuking her, telling her to never use the word ‘boning’ again. Luke could only hear static in his ears, or was it his rushing blood? Either way he tuned them out, bringing his fingers back to his guitar, plucking away louder than before in hopes of ignoring the conversation around him. Luke hated feeling like this, especially with the knowledge that what he felt was unacceptable. But that didn’t stop the uncomfortable sinking in his stomach, the pressure that weighed on his gut that made him want to curl into bed for a week. 

Sitting in the same spot on the couch a few hours later, sans guitar, as the afternoon shifted into evening and the sky outside the garage was turning darker, duller shades of blue, Luke experienced that feeling again. Reggie had left moments before, announcing to Alex and Luke that he was leaving to meet Bobby for their date and Luke had waved, swallowing hard before pushing out an unwilling ‘Have a good time’. Luke untightened his jaw with a crack from where he had been clenching it angrily for a few moments and he absentmindedly rubbed his lower stomach in attempts to alleviate the constricting pain that was pressing down on him. 

The pain he had experienced quickly shifted to the sinking feeling of guilt as he scolded himself for paying more mind to where Reggie was heading than to Alex. They were heading out to go ice skating despite Luke’s constant rebuttal of how bad he was at it every time Alex tried to convince him how fun the activity was. Luke was less than content as he fell on his ass numerous times throughout the night, the cold ice seeping into his jeans every time he connected with the harsh ground. Alex would do nothing more than laugh and offer a hand to his boyfriend and as much as Luke was in agony, he couldn’t help but continue going with a goofy smile on his lips because of Alex. Alex was happy and in his element as Luke watched him from where he leaned against the glass barrier of the ice rink. Alex was glowing and gleaming, shining with the enthusiasm of a little kid and Luke thought he put the Christmas lights above them to shame. 

“Having fun?” The brunette laughed as Alex came sliding effortlessly up to him where he stood watching on the safety of the sidelines. Alex’s smile was beaming brightly and he nodded ecstatically.

“Yep, but our hour is up.” Alex sent him an over exaggerated frown before extending a hand to Luke, knowing the smaller boy was going to need a helping hand to get to the exit gate. 

“Oh, thank God.” Luke cheered, sliding his glove wrapped hand into Alex’s. Immediately he could feel the heat emanating from Alex where he had been moving around a lot longer than Luke had and Luke wanted nothing more than to sink into him. Alex sent him a shocked look at Luke’s words and he giggled in turn. “I mean oh darn, it’s over already? I was really looking forward to bruising my ass some more.” 

“Stick with music. Acting isn’t your strong suit, Luke.” Alex laughed, tugging Luke along and watching amused as the Patterson boy wavered a bit on the ice before catching his footing. Once the pair had gotten outside the rink and traded the ice and blades for sneakers and solid ground, Luke was close to dropping to his knees and kissing the blessed pavement. Instead he opted to wrap his arms around Alex’s waist as Alex swung one of his around Luke’s shoulders pulling him in closer.

“So what do you say, we head back, order some food and watch a movie?” Luke suggested, peering up at Alex from under brunette tendrils that decorated his forehead. Alex smiled from above him and in the chilly evening air, he knew the boy was on board. Plus mostly everyone was out, meaning peace and quiet which hadn’t been very attainable the past few days.

“That sounds incr-” Alex’s words abruptly cut off and his whole body froze, making Luke break away from his boyfriend to assess him. Alex stood like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes wide and body rigid, unable to look anywhere bar straight ahead. Luke mirrored his boyfriend tracing his line of sight to what had caught Alex’s attention. Despite facing the oncoming Christmas market and crowds of pedestrians, Luke quickly found what had made Alex’s entire body stop working. Because in the distance, there stood Mr. and Mrs. Mercer among the market goers with happy smiles and hot chocolate in hands. Alex’s younger sister, Alice sat on her fathers shoulders and Luke almos scoffed at the sight of the seemingly picture perfect family.

“Oh, Alex.” Luke mumbled, sadly as he returned his gaze back to the blonde boy. The words snapped Alex away from his intense focus and he met Luke’s concerned eyes. Luke could see whatever warmth that had been in Alex’s green eyes was lost and replaced with something much colder. Alex quickly looked away upon seeing Luke’s sympathetic look, the pity there was too much.

“It’s fine. Let’s head back.” Alex mumbled and Luke chose not to press the subject in the moment. Instead he trailed behind the boy silently and hoped that after a little while of processing that he would open up to him but as the whole car ride back to the garage was dead silent and tense, Luke was beginning to lose hope. Alex switched off the ignition and Luke sat in the passenger seat, stewing in the quiet. He opened and closed his mouth in a few quick movements, half afraid to broach the subject with the bleak coldness emanating from Alex. As he went to speak again, Alex was quick to beat him to it.

“Before you do, know I don’t want to talk about this. So just leave it alone, okay?” Alex’s voice was firm and left no room for argument. Before Luke could even say anything in response, Alex was pulling himself out of the car with a slam of the door in his wake. The sound made Luke jump in his seat slightly and he looked through the fading condensation of his window to find Alex heading towards the garage without another look back at Luke. Luke hadn’t even said anything and he had fucked up. Sighing, Luke dragged his cold hands over his face. All he wanted was to be there for Alex but still Alex maintained the idea that he didn’t need him, that he could deal with this all on his own and Luke didn’t want him to have to go through it alone. After another few contemplative minutes and with another deep exhale, Luke departed from the vehicle, closing the door much more gently than Alex had. He ambled down the driveway to the garage slowly, not sure what to expect of Alex when he finally did enter the building. He knew it seemed like Alex would rather have been alone but Luke couldn’t find it in himself to leave him in this state. Pushing ahead through the heavy garage doors, Luke pushed them to a close behind him before he whirled around on his heel and searched the room for Alex. The clanking of glass caught his attention as he cautiously moved further into the room, spotting a mass of blonde hair behind the drum set. Alex sat on the floor with Bobby’s guitar case open and clutching a bottle of vodka from Bobby’s hidden stash of alcohol clutched in his tight grasp and his lips firmly wrapped around the bottle top as he drank the substance raw.

“Alex, what the hell are you thinking?” Luke cried, quickly running over to Alex in a bid to swipe the bottle away from Alex. The blonde boy had expected his moves and had managed to stand swiftly, holding the bottle above both of their heads. Luke began jumping, hand outstretched trying to steal the bottle away but his efforts were fruitless. 

“This isn’t funny, ‘Lex. We’re not kids.” Luke muttered through clenched teeth. His hands opted to push at Alex’s chest making the taller boy stumble slightly but not enough to tear down his guard. Instead, Alex raised the bottle to his lips again, chugging mouthfuls of the burning liquid. Luke watched as the blonde winced in response to the foul tasting drink and Luke could find himself mirroring the expression. “Come on, man. This isn’t the way to go about this. Let’s just talk it out.” 

The bottle fell from Alex’s lips and a dribble of the clear liquid trailed down his chin. Luke’s eyes followed the movement before his gaze returned to meet Alex’s and the coldness was still there and piercing Luke’s soul like shards of ice. None of his falls at the ice rink even compared to this. “I told you to leave it alone, Luke. Can you listen for once?” 

“Oh yeah, cause singing your sorrows into a bottle of alcohol is so much better for you, right Alex?” Luke doesn't like the way his name sounds on his tongue, as if he’s hissing it. Alex doesn’t seem to care too much for it either as he sees the Mercer boy wince, this time having nothing to do with the alcohol that was twisting and scorching his insides. 

“Yeah, actually. At least it doesn’t judge me.” Luke’s beginning to hear the effects of the drink on Alex’s voice and he wonders just how long the boy had been drinking before Luke returned. His words are becoming slightly muffled but that doesn’t sway him from taking another swig from the bottle. Luke wants nothing more than to rip it from his hands. 

“I’m not judging you, you idiot. I just want to help you but you won’t let me.” Luke yelled, exasperatedly, his hands moving wildly between the pair. The bottle Alex was holding clanks against the floor and Luke is thankful it doesn’t shatter around them. When he looks down he’s disappointed to find that it’s empty now though.

“Because I don’t need your help!” Alex yells back just as fierce but his words are beginning to slur slightly. Luke wants to lead him to the couch to lie down but Alex doesn’t need his help. Luke slowly lifts his gaze to meet Alex’s, long gone is his rage now replaced with hurt because Alex has just confirmed every fear Luke had harboured about their relationship. That at the end of the day when things got rough, Alex didn’t need him nor want him. “Just go home, Luke.” 

“Fine. I will.” Luke twisted around on his heel, feeling his body tense and his chest ache. He hears Alex sigh and sniffle behind him and Luke knows there’s no way he’s going anywhere. He only gets a few steps before he’s whirling around to face Alex again. “Actually, I’m not going anywhere. Because even though you're being an asshole right now. Someone needs to look out for you so you don’t hurt yourself.” 

Alex stares at the ground, his body slightly swaying and Luke begins to move closer afraid the taller boy is ready to collapse. As he gets closer he hears Alex mumble quietly. “You’re being an asshole too.”

“Yes, I’m an asshole.” Luke agrees, lifting his hands to cup Alex’s tired face. Reluctantly, Alex meets his gaze and the sadness there makes Luke’s chest constrict. “But I’m an asshole that cares about you.” 

Alex sniffles again yet no tears fall. Luke places a quick kiss to Alex’s forehead before Alex collapses into his arms in a hug and Luke embraces him like he’s been wanting to since they left the ice rink. Alex mutters into Luke’s coat, his words almost getting lost in the fabric. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Luke places another gentle kiss to Alex’s head, his lips brushing against soft blonde tendrils. As they slightly break apart, Luke keeps a grip on the trembling boy leading him towards the steps to the loft. “Come on, let’s get you up to bed.” 

Once Alex is in his sweats, after much struggle and wrapped in the warm sheets of his bed, Luke sits on the bed beside him watching as Alex drinks thirstily from the water Luke had forced upon him. Eventually he hands the empty glass back to Luke and he places it on the ground beside the mattress and reminds himself to refill it before the night is out. Alex is still looking vaguely intoxicated as he stares up at Luke, wincing at his head every few minutes but Luke knows after a killer hangover he will hopefully be okay in the morning. Alex’s eyes close and Luke waits patiently, thinking the blonde boy would drift into sleep.

“You know what I used to do?” He asks instead, his eyes remaining closed and Luke wonders if he’s even aware he’s speaking. Before Luke can indulge him and ask what, Alex is speaking again. “Before I came out. I was too afraid to tell anyone because I knew my parents wouldn’t take it well and my fear of what they would be like kinda made me afraid to tell others too. Even Reggie. But it’s Reggie, come one!”

After raising his voice a few octaves to say Reggie’s name louder, Alex hiccups and Luke smiles to himself. Alex still hasn’t opened his eyes and Luke doesn’t think he will at all as he continues. “But I really wanted to tell someone. Scream it into the universe but I was afraid of anyone hearing or finding out. I wouldn't even write it in a journal cause I was too afraid someone would read it. So what I used to do was when I’d get out of the shower and the mirror was fogged with steam, I would write it there.”

Luke raised his eyebrows wondering why Alex was telling him this but he opted for the idea that it was drunken rambling that he wouldn’t remember saying in the morning. “Because I could write it in the condensation and speak it into the world and no one had to know but it helped me. I could admit this one thing I kept to myself and wouldn’t tell anyone else. And then after a few moments, I could just raise my hand and wipe the slate clean. I still do it with things sometimes. It helps. You should try it sometime.” 

Alex’s voice got quiet as he finished his anecdote and Luke was beginning to understand a small piece of the mystery of the Mercer boy. It wasn’t a coping mechanism Luke had ever heard of before but it was something that seemed to work and stick with Alex and that’s all that mattered. Luke pulled up the blankets around Alex and tucked them around the boy as he whispered, “Maybe I will try it sometime.”

Once Luke was sure Alex had fallen asleep, he gently rolled him onto his side and adjusted the blankets before replacing his empty water. As Luke filled the glass from the tap he couldn’t help but gaze up at the mirror above the bathroom sink. Finally Luke made himself a cup of coffee, needing the extra help if he was going to stay up and keep an eye on Alex. Luke had been sipping at the drink, the mug clasped in his hands and his expression tired and sorrowful when the garage door slightly creaked open and Reggie snuck in.

“Hey, good night?” Luke asked when their gazes met. He adjusted in his chair slightly from where he had been exhaustively lounging back. He rolled his shoulders slightly, hearing them crack in tension.

“It was fine. What about you guys? Where’s Alex?” Reggie enquired, as he pulled the door closed behind him and pulled over the lock. When he turned back, his orbs of bluish green were searching around the garage. Luke lowered his cooling coffee to the coffee table sitting in front of him before he answered.

“He’s upstairs, asleep.” It was hard to mask his own exhaustion in his voice as he gazed at Reggie watching the boy glance at his watch. For a moment Luke couldn’t help but think of the time that he had first bumped into Luke on the streets with his eyes glued to that exact same watch. “Or well, he’s passed out.” Reggie’s worried eyes glanced up from his watch, finally meeting Luke’s and the boy sighed, continuing. “He had a little too much to drink.” 

Reggie looked perplexed and Luke really couldn’t blame him for it. If he was in the Peters boy’s shoes he wouldn’t have exactly believed the story either. Reggie moved a few steps closer before asking, “Alex was drinking? Like actual alcohol?”

Luke nodded sadly feeling at fault though he had tried to put up a fight but against a persistent Alex, his help hadn’t been welcomed. Reggie stepped closer again and Luke felt like he was simmering underneath the light of interrogation even though he knew Reggie was just concerned about his friend. Luke scratched at the back of his neck, feeling his skin crawl at the examination. Reggie must have noticed his discomfort because his voice is much calmer, gentle as he speaks again. “What happened tonight?”

“Alex and I went to go ice skating in town and when we were leaving, Alex saw his family.” Luke began after Reggie took those final steps and sat down beside him. The raven haired boy sucked in a breath, observing Luke closely and Luke felt as if he should shuffled away a bit in his seat. He could feel the cold night air still lingering on Reggie’s clothes but his mind was still focused on the events of that night as he recounted. “They were a bit away but Alex froze and the whole rest of the night he kept saying he was fine but he obviously wasn’t. When we got back here, he immediately went for Bobby’s stash. I tried to talk to him, get him to listen and stop but nothing worked. Eventually, I had to just let him do it.” 

“He’s gonna hate himself in the morning.” Reggie mutters, his face scrunching up and Luke is sure he’s thinking about that killer hangover. Luke’s eyes fell to his own fidgeting hands, but as he slipped them a few inches across to Reggie’s, he found himself gazing at the time on the boy’s watch. Before Reggie had returned Luke thought he had been sitting on that couch thinking for a few minutes now he was realising it was much closer to an hour. 

“He passed out an hour ago and I’ve just been here…” Luke mumbled, trailing off not knowing exactly how to voice how he’d been sitting in silence contemplating every single detail of the night. His fingers were still fighting in his lap.

“Nursing the fallout?” Reggie guessed and Luke raised his gaze to meet Reggie’s gentle eyes. He nodded and gave the boy a ginger yet appreciative smile. As he gazed at him, Luke didn’t have to debate anymore. Reggie was someone he wanted to open up to, feeling like he could help him. Could understand.

“I just felt so useless. I tried but I couldn’t do anything for him. I just had to sit idly by and watch. It sucked.” Luke admitted, his voice low and sad. He wasn’t sure how much of his uselessness he should divulge. Like the fact he’d been feeling this way for a few months now and Alex never seemed to want to approach the subject, always dancing around it instead. 

“Luke, there’s nothing you could have done. You couldn’t have known that would happen or how Alex would react. If we’re being honest here, even though it’s definitely not an ideal coping mechanism, him drinking a bit too much at home with someone he trusts isn’t the worse case scenario at least.”

He knows Reggie is right in that respect. He nodded slowly but he could feel his shoulders sag, giving in. You couldn’t force help on someone who didn’t want it but it just hurt that after all this time, Alex was still withholding himself. That maybe he trusted Luke but still not enough to see him vulnerable. “But I just wished he could feel like he could talk to me instead of having to do that to deal with it.” 

Reggie was silent beside him as Luke kept his gaze on his constantly twisting fingers. When he spoke, his voice was soft, a gentle caress surrounding Luke and it comforted him. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about this, man. Everyone has their different ways of dealing with things and Alex lets all this stuff build up until one day he’ll vent it all out without even realising he is doing it. Don’t take it personally, okay?”

Luke finally detached his gaze from his hands and lifted his eyes to meet Reggie’s. Reggie’s words comforted him, knowing he wasn’t alone in this. He gave the boy a small smile, now with a small bit of renewed hopefulness. “Thanks, Reg.”

“You make him happy, Luke. You’re good for him.” Reggie’s voice was soft but his words cut something inside Luke and in it’s scar guilt began to bleed out. Because when Reggie placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and gave him a comforting squeeze, Luke forgot how to breathe. The feeling lingered and Luke found himself wanting to reach out too and it stung. Because how could Luke ever be good for Alex when he felt as fucked up as he did. Thinking and feeling things that he tried to push aside because he knew they were wrong and ignoring them meant he could somehow pretend they weren’t there. Alex really didn’t deserve that.

Reggie pulled his hand away after a lingering moment and Luke removed his gaze before he was ready for a swift topic change. “So what about you? How was your date?”

Reggie didn’t seem to expect that from Luke as he took a moment to find his words. Luke silently cursed himself for coming up with that as a subject change but when Reggie replied the sadistic part of him couldn’t help but find himself delighted in it. “Oh well, we decided we were better off as friends.” 

Luke blinked quickly, registering his words and realised that Reggie didn’t seem that broken up about the fact. “Oh, dude, I’m so sorry.” And Alex said he wasn’t a convincing actor.

“Oh no, it’s probably the best way the night could have ended.” Luke was admiring the fond smile that captured Reggie’s lips when his own phone chimed from where it lay on the cushion beside him. He saw his mother’s name pop up, with a text telling him ‘okay’. He had texted her saying he was staying with Alex but after Luke’s blow up the other day they had both been curt with each other since. 

Luke locked the phone, meeting Reggie’s gaze that held a lingering question there. “My mom.”

Reggie nodded before asking, “Is she worried? Do you need to get home? I can watch over Alex just fine if you need to head.”

Luke shook his head in response before ditching his phone on the table beside his cold coffee. “No, it’s fine. I might stay if that’s cool?”

Luke nodded his head towards the loft in a silent telling he wanted to keep an eye on Alex. Reggie nodded in understanding. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s cool.” 

“She’s not too worried anyway, she knows Alex is the only person I really hang out with. I don’t really have anyone else.” Luke shuffled his feet against the garage carpet, his eyes falling to his shoes bashfully at his admission. He wasn’t about to make it worse and admit that his best friend was probably his uncle. If anything that just sounded kinda weird.

“That can’t be true.” Reggie asked incredulously and Luke felt even more embarrassed at the fact he was a certified loner. Well hopefully not anymore, he thought, with the way he was getting along with Reggie and the gang finally.

“Well, when I dropped out of high school a year ago, I kinda lost contact with most of the people there.” Luke explained, his skin began to crawl with just the memory of that place. He was lucky that his brush with Nick over a year ago was the last he’d seen of anyone from school since. Reggie’s hand gently hitting Luke’s thigh grabbed his attention and the phantom feeling stayed even after Reggie’s hand had retreated and he felt his muscles tense.

“Hey, you got us now, dude. You’re a member of whatever it is our small band of weirdos is.” Reggie announced with a beaming smile and it warmed Luke. It was confirmation that he was a part of something, that he had the gang, he had found his people. Luke’s eyes softened and a smile tugged at his lips.

“It was actually about the same time I met Alex while out busking.” The words were out of his mouth before he could register them. He thought of the first time he saw Reggie, that day on the street and at the bus stop as he bsuked but he tried to not think too hard of it. Reggie had never given any indicator that he remembered anyway. 

“If you weren’t in school is that what you were doing instead, busking?” Reggie asked and Luke found himself lighting up at the question. No one ever seemed to be interested in his music except, well, Caleb. But Luke loved having someone his age to talk to. Alex talked with him sometimes but he got bored of the constant music talk quickly too. He had begun kissing Luke on numerous occasions just to shut him up. 

“Sometimes. Mostly during the day when I get a chance. I’ll busk around the city.” He began, twisting his body where he sat to face Reggie more directly and he found Reggie do the same. Their knees knocked against one another but Luke tried not to make a big deal of it but he could feel heat spread through him, it’s base being the smallest of touches. “Most nights I work at The Orpheum. Serving drinks and cleaning the spilled ones but I get to see a lot of shows. So for now I’ll keep busting tables and who knows, maybe someday I’ll get my chance on that stage instead.”

Luke could see the way Reggie’s eyes lit up at the information and Luke could see parts of himself mirrored in Peters boy and he felt overjoyed at the thought. At the idea that they were drawn from the same cloth, the same love of music. The idea that they could understand each other. Reggie’s gaze fell behind Luke before he spoke again. “It may not be The Orpheum but do you wanna play now? With me?” 

Luke didn’t even bother trying to play coy as he broke out into a beaming grin. He had been waiting on the sidelines for months, waiting for the moment that he could be officially accepted by the group, by Reggie. To find a place with them and be invited to stay, to feel like he found a place he belonged. Luke and Reggie strummed and plucked at strings as they sang, joked, harmonised throughout the early hours of the morning. Luke had even mustered up the courage to show Reggie some of his own material and had been filled with glowing warmth when the boy praised his songwriting skills and threw out ideas, work-shopping them together. Luke had sat silently on the beat up garage armchair hugging the guitar to his chest and tucking his chin into its grooves as he watched with wide affectionate eyes on Reggie across the room plucking effortlessly singing Luke’s lyrics and his heart swelled at the image. 

As he watched and he listened he became enamored and with that feeling spreading through him he came to a conclusion that he had been simultaneously ruminating and avoiding for a while now. Because he liked Reggie Peters and he had been trying to bury his conflicting feelings for months but as he sat there and he thought, he knew he was a liar. Because it hadn’t been months, it had been years. Because Luke Patterson was enamored and without realising or admitting it, he had been since the first day he had laid eyes on the then nameless Reggie. 

He knew this now. Because here he was in a garage at 3am smiling tenderly at a boy he had fixated on the moment he saw him years ago. This boy was standing there, plucking his bass with gentle touches and singing in a light, soft voice. He was singing a song Luke had written years ago and singing lyrics that Luke had written about the very same boy who bumped into him on a busy street and met his gaze through a foggy city bus window one hazy day in December. 

He hugged his guitar tighter to his chest, his eyes never leaving Reggie as he sighed. Because Luke Patterson had come to two definite conclusions that night; one being the fact that he was completely enamored with Reggie Peters and two? Well two being that because he admitted this fact, he was now undoubtedly screwed.


	4. Four: if you're so smart tell me, why are you still so afraid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took longer than expected cause my final year of college is really kicking my ass right now but writing these two love struck idiots being angsty as all hell really helps! 
> 
> \- The parallel universe conversation is inspired by a similar talk in season 3 of Skam. (also Reggie saying Luke is number 1912 after the date and month they first saw each other, yeah I'm a sap)  
> \- The James Joyce quote is from his short story 'Araby' within the book 'Dubliners'. I'm currently reading it for an English lecture and a friend and I just loved the quote so I wanted to incorporate it somehow!
> 
> Chapter title from the song 'Vienna' by Billy Joel
> 
> Thank you for all the reads, kudos and comments (and patience)! I love hearing your thoughts. Thank you for all the love and Happy Reading!!

Four: if you’re so smart tell me, why are you still so afraid?  
December 2019

For so long Luke had felt stagnant, unmoving while the world passed by him in a blur. It was an odd feeling, he felt like he was moving too but ending up nowhere. It wasn’t a feeling of being stuck or rooted in place, no, it was as if he was on a treadmill, running on the spot but never moving forward. While some of the phantom feeling remained, slowly he was finding it within himself to push forward, persevere and not let his bad days dictate his stride. Alex, Reggie and even to some degree, Bobby, had helped with that. They understood the magnitude of what music meant in Luke’s life and even more amazingly, it mattered just as much to them too. Luke had been first to notice it in Reggie. After that night a year ago when they had played together and Luke had free fell into something he had been terrified of yet he couldn’t find himself to be scared of the experience. If anything, since that night Luke had craved that feeling again. The feeling of music filtering through his heart and soul and running through Reggie’s similarly until they met in the middle, beats on their fingertips, lyrics on their minds and as a result a song on their tongues. Music was a binding contract that they entered into freely, tethering them together and those jam sessions with Reggie became the favourite part of some of Luke’s days. By the time Alex had joined in on their not so much impromptu writing and jam sessions, Luke and Reggie had already workshopped numerous songs together. Reggie had admitted that he had learned about writing from Luke, an admission that filled Luke’s chest with a warm tingling sensation that danced up his body and onto his crimson cheeks and the feeling buried itself within him for days after. Similarly, Luke believed that working with Reggie, delving into each other’s innermost thoughts and emotions and untapping the rich resources and turning them into gold, into music, into something more had affected him too. Luke knew that working with Reggie had made him a better songwriter. He wasn’t as brave as Reggie to admit that to the other boy though. 

As their jam sessions began to swerve into something more akin to band practice, Luke only found one downside to it. Bobby Wilson. Despite what Reggie had told him a year ago about the pair's only remaining friends, Luke still found it hard to fully like the guy. Some days he wasn’t even sure why. Bobby was a killer guitarist and he let the guys live and practice within the garage and despite the close, speculating glances he sent Luke’s way, he overall seemed to still like the Patterson boy. Luke wanted nothing more than to give him the same respect but every time Bobby made an input that the boys favoured over his own, or would distract them from practice, Luke found his mood souring and a bitter unimpressed glare was usually sent Bobby’s way when he wasn’t looking. Luke’s only peace came from the fact Bobby was still in college a few hours away and as a result wasn’t around as often. He knew a twisted part of him didn’t like sharing Alex and Reggie with him. So when Luke put forward the idea of a band and actually turning their songs and practices into something more, he was relieved to find that while Bobby liked playing with them, he opted out of becoming an official band member and while Alex had nodded in understanding and Reggie sadly accepted the fact, Luke couldn’t even find it in himself to wipe the grin off his face. 

So that summer ‘Sunset Curve’ had been born and while they were still in the early stages of developing their sound, Luke felt a burst of pride at every little feat they made. Luke had once told Alex that he had always wanted to be a part of a band and slowly but surely his dream was becoming a reality that had Luke’s chest almost bursting at the seams with joy. Because music was everything to Luke but he also wanted to share that with others, now, specifically with Alex and Reggie. Despite being a small amount of time he had known them, the two boys had become two of the most important people in his life and there was no one else that Luke would want to share the experience with. Where his fondness and affection grew for the boys, so did his overwhelming feelings of confusion and it unsettled him to no end. 

Because he had Alex. His boyfriend, his best friend. Alex is everything Luke isn’t and he can’t help but think where they should clash to insurmountable ends, instead, they complement each other. He knows he loves Alex and had told the blonde just as much the night of Alex’s birthday with the Mercer boy repeating similar sentiments. Yet, despite this he couldn’t help but feeling like something had been missing for a while. He can’t seem to pinpoint what changed and when but something feels like it’s missing. It unnerves Luke to no end, especially when everything seems fine, when they aren’t acting anything out of the normal with each other yet sometimes their touches seem tired, their kisses not the same as they once were. Where Luke used to be lit with scorching flames at the most gentle brush of lips, in its place now are the smallest simmering jolts. The feelings, the passion, the love, he knows it's there but it’s not as big and all encompassing as it once had been. Luke knows he’s not the only one to realise, he knows Alex notices it too yet they never speak of it. Luke knows they love each other, so he resolves to believe this is the way longer lasting relationships go. He is also aware that Alex has been preoccupied, in the past few months his mother had left his father and finally his mother and sister were back in Alex’s life. Luke hasn’t thought too much about his absence and distracted mind, letting it slide as he gets back the family Luke knew he had been sorely missing. Alex was happy, content and lighter in every regard, in a way that Luke had never seen in him before. When Alex had announced he was spending Christmas away with his family and moving in with his mother and sister following the holidays, Luke was ecstatic for his boyfriend yet there was a small part of him that stung in the back of his heart. A part of him that felt bad for the boy that Alex would be leaving behind, unintentionally, once he moved out. He knew Reggie would never speak it aloud or admit it but Luke could see the smallest part of him that feared the change of Alex leaving. 

Because while there was Alex, there was also Reggie. Reggie was a light, undeniably radiant, a constant sunbeam. But even sunbeams get darkened by clouds and he knew Reggie had seen and felt hurt before. He was afraid of losing Alex and where Luke sometimes had the same fear, he knew they would all be alright despite the confusion he felt. Luke felt like he was walking a tightrope between the two, with Alex and Reggie on complete opposite ends and feeling the gripping push and pull they both caused within him and Luke was just trying his best not to fall and hurt himself. Because he loved Alex, this much was certain but it seemed the fact wasn’t enough to keep his unfaithful mind from wandering and conjuring up ideas that Luke knew were wrong but felt oddly right. That night Luke had played music with Reggie for the first time was not only the beginning of his dangerous admission of affectionate feelings and the guilt that came along with it like a package deal, but it had cemented everything Luke had been trying to bury for so long. Because of his acceptance and admittance of his feelings, he hadn’t been able to deny his feelings since. But where he couldn’t deny them, he could certainly downplay them in a half-hearted attempt to make them creep away someday. Reggie was one of his best friends now and of course he was bound to like his friends. His infatuation was easily a crush at best and eventually crushes went away, so Luke waited patiently for it to go away. Almost twelve months strong and he was still waiting; he was starting to lose that initial assurance he had fooled himself into. 

So with his hand in Alex’s on his boyfriend’s last night in town before the holidays, Luke kept his attention fixated on his boyfriend and if he saw how Reggie looked ethereal and glowing under the iridescent Christmas carnival lights, he told himself not to dwell on it. He had been making successful attempts throughout the night, letting Alex intertwine their fingers together as he led Luke throughout the stalls without a second glance back to the group trailing behind them. But after a few quick carnival games with Alex, the group had been quick to catch up with the two boys and Luke found himself standing beside Flynn and Reggie underneath the gleaming lights of the ferris wheel as Alex and Julie fetched them drinks. With the glowing incandescent lights over the heads of the trio, it gave the mirage of a halo lingering right above Reggie’s head and Luke couldn’t help but smile at the vision. 

“So who’s riding the ferris wheel later?” Reggie’s voice broke Luke’s trailing eyes and he was quick to drop his gaze from the other boy for a quick moment. Reggie and Flynn didn’t seem to notice him though. Flynn was too busy blowing hot air onto her cold hands while Reggie gazed up with childlike wonder at the rounding wheel ahead of them. Luke could relate, no matter what age he was. The ferris wheel was a source of joy, amusement and a sense of wonderment that Luke couldn’t seem to encapsulate in anything else in everyday life. 

“Dude, I can’t wait!” Luke beamed and Reggie was quick to shift his gaze to the Patterson boy. His green eyes were wide and glinting with excitement and fascination and Luke just knew he was reflecting the same back. “It’s the best part of the carnival.” 

“I know it’s the best way to end the night.” Reggie nodded, his whole aura bursting with a sizzling energy that Luke would love to wrap himself up in. The thought scared him and gave him momentary pause. 

“Definitely.” He hoped he didn’t sound as breathless as he felt. Reggie watched him as if he was ruminating something and for a moment Luke thought he knew exactly what it was because Luke was ruminating on the same thought too. Would Reggie want to ride it with him? Quickly, Luke sputtered. “And I even persuaded Alex to give it a go.” 

Luke bit his tongue as soon as the words left his mouth. So that hadn’t been the whole truth, actually it had been a whole lie instead. As many romance movie tropes Luke found absurd and cringeworthy, he had always been partial to the kiss atop the ferris wheel. Watching Love, Simon an unhealthy amount last year hadn’t helped either. Because as sappy as it sounded for a guy with a tenuous grasp on romance at best, Luke wanted that. He wanted the kiss on the ferris wheel. He wanted the slow circling through the night air, the sitting close, the brushing of hands, the stars so close it felt like you could reach out and grab one, the timid brushing of lips as you reached the top and felt like you could become one with the sky. Luke wanted it all. So it admittedly hurt when Luke had asked Alex to ride it with him earlier that day and Alex had only laughed in response, telling Luke he was on his own with that one. He knew Alex wasn’t a fan of heights so he let it slide but that didn’t stop the small tug in his chest as his reaction.

“Cool.” Reggie mumbled before Flynn offered to ride the ferris wheel with him. Luke sighed, burying his hands into the pockets of his long denim coat. He wanted to tell himself he wasn’t sure why he fabricated the story of Alex joining him on the ferris wheel but he knew exactly why he did it. Because for him the ferris wheel meant so much to him, he had just painted the entire picture of a kiss on the ferris wheel that he was secretly pining for and he knew that if he was to ride that ferris wheel with Reggie, his feelings would get twisted up even more inside. Because he liked Reggie, he had an infatuated crush on him and if he was to explicitly link Reggie with the ferris wheel in that way, he knew it would be dangerous. And he definitely didn’t trust himself enough for that. 

Before he had enough time to dwell on the matter, Alex was back by his side with a cup of hot chocolate offered to Luke for the taking. Luke accepted the drink warmly, leaning into Alex’s side as the gang began discussing where their next port of call was. Luke listened absentmindedly, his eyes focused on his cold fingers that were tingling with the beginnings of heat that seeped from the plastic to go cup. Alex shifted against his side and the feeling of his body brushing against his own grounded him. His head was in the clouds and Alex was daybreak, clearing a path to his jumbled mind. A cheery voice grabbed Luke’s attention and seemingly everyone else’s as they all raised their gazes to meet the oncoming Wilson girl that was bounding towards Reggie. 

Reggie flung his arms wide open for Carrie to run into and he pulled her into a strong embrace and Luke found himself wondering what it would be like to be on the receiving end of one of Reggie’s hugs. He shook his head slightly, wishing for one day he could push out the intrusive thoughts that seemed to always creep their way into the forefront of his mind. Luke didn’t like having his own mind as his own worst enemy. As Carrie and Reggie chatted and exchanged pleasantries, Luke found his hazel eyes drifting over to Carrie’s friend that hung back with curious eyes stuck on Reggie. His own gaze shifted from Reggie quickly and back to the quiet girl, the Peters boy’s eyes lingering on her a moment too long, too unbroken and Luke shuddered. 

“Oh my God, I completely forgot to introduce you guys! This is Kayla. Kayla this is Julie, Flynn, Alex and his boyfriend Luke and R-” Before Carrie could finish her sentence, Reggie was there, his name falling from his own lips and his hand outstretched eagerly. Luke’s eyes stayed glued to where the pair connected, he knew he was glaring at the joined hands but no one seemed to pay him mind. He had heard stories throughout the years about Reggie, about his dates, relationships, whatever it was he had with Bobby, hell, Reggie and Luke had spent a whole conversation laughing at bad dating stories they had. Admittedly, Reggie fuelled the majority of that conversation while Luke regaled anecdotes of his pure cluelessness over dating for most of his teenage years. If he was being honest, he still hadn’t a clue what he was doing. Despite all of that, he had never seen Reggie like this, all penetrating gazes and flirtatious yet timid grins and the actions both sparked something in Luke’s chest and made his stomach sink all at once. 

“Where are you guys working here?” Alex asked the two girls from beside Luke, knocking the shorter boy out of his inner monologue. The girls were beginning to depart and Luke hoped the twist in his stomach and the sour taste in his mouth would leave with them. Reggie turned to Flynn with a teasing grin beaming on his lips and Luke stood silent watching. Because unlike the many times before his realisation a year ago where Luke could chalk up his feelings to some rational, less conflicting reasons, he didn’t have that blissful ignorance anymore. Instead, the bitter feeling inside him at watching the interaction with Kayla and the way his eyes couldn’t leave Reggie’s form for much longer than a few seconds were all attributed to one messy, greedy and all consuming thing that was growing rapidly inside of him and settling itself at the base of abdomen, making itself a home because Luke knew it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. Luke didn’t enjoy the guilt that laced his bones with it, he felt criminal because as hard as he tried to smother his jealousy and tell himself that he wasn’t allowed to think that way or feel it, it still remained within him, fiery and scalding. 

“Okay, so you wouldn’t mind if I did something about it instead?” Reggie was still teasing Flynn about her now apparent crush on the Wilson girl and the whole group could see the way Flynn was being lit aflame with the potential embarrassment of what Reggie was insinuating. 

“Oh, Carrie…” Reggie sing-songed, his voice teasing and light with laughter. Flynn was swatting hands at his chest furiously as Reggie kept his eyes on the smaller girl. The group watched amused until Carrie, having heard Reggie’s lyrical call, turned around from her place a few steps away. Reggie looked just as shocked as the group that his joking had been heard. Flynn’s face was draining of colour before she began to brace herself for the embarrassment, covering her face in the palms of her hands. 

Reggie turned robotically to face the expectant Carrie, any words lost on his tongue yet Luke doubted he was going to throw his friend under the bus. So while Flynn stood frozen and the gang stood watching the trainwreck with bated breath, Reggie finally spoke. “Your friend’s cute.”

While they were all aware why Reggie had said it, the admission still turned Luke cold. His eyes lifted to the skies, the darkened night looking deep and endless and Luke wanted to be swallowed up by it, maybe then he could force himself to shut off the unwelcome, trespassing thoughts that snuck into the deepest most hidden crevices of his mind. Out of sight, out of mind he told himself. He was selfish, he knew his feelings were and he hated it yet that never seemed to be enough to quiet them. As Reggie turned away from Flynn and to the group, his gaze fell on Luke and Luke didn’t like the way it elevated his mood again, the simple look was fuelling something inside him. 

“Well while, whatever that was, was going on. Julie and I decided we want to try out the water gun game, you guys down?” Alex asked, looking between the members of the group. While the girls were quick to chirp in their agreements, Reggie stood quiet for a moment as did Luke. Because Luke had felt the familiar green eyes of Reggie on him again and he was more aware than ever that as selfish as it may be, he liked having the Peters boy’s attention on him. 

“I was thinking of giving the basket toss a go?” Luke interjected, his voice slightly hoarse for the first time he’d spoken in awhile. As soon as the words had fled his mouth, Luke felt nervous. Before he would register these feelings and try his best to keep them at bay yet here he was against his better judgement actively working to get Reggie’s whole, undivided attention. He stuffed his fidgeting hands into the pockets of his denim jacket, asking before he lost the nerve. “I thought maybe Reggie would want to play?”

Reggie looks surprised as he whips his gaze to Luke. No one else seems to think it out of the ordinary but Reggie is quiet for a quick moment, taking in the question lingering in the pregnant air between them. “Yeah, sure, let’s play.” Reggie breathes and Luke is immediately disarmed. 

“Cool, we’ll meet you guys when we’re all finished.” Alex explained in a cheerful voice. His hand trailed along Luke’s arm in an affectionate touch, so light it only left a ghost of a feeling in its wake before he ran off after Julie and Flynn a few booths down. Luke and Reggie moved in silence and Luke could only believe that maybe he had overstepped. Luke was handing over tickets in exchange for the small basketballs to play the game when his eyes flitted to Reggie again. He was peering up at the winning plush toys on display in the stall, an innocent, glimmer in his eyes as he did so. Luke couldn’t help but ask, “What will you get if you win?”

Without meeting his gaze, Reggie was quick to decide. “That one” He pointed towards the top row of plushies, particularly at a dog with white and brown spots. “It’s a beagle. I always wanted a dog when I was younger and I told myself if I could get one it would be a beagle.” 

Reggie looked sheepish after his admittance but Luke found himself watching the boy with an adoring smile. Reggie always seemed so bashful and apologetic about himself and things he liked and Luke could never seem to understand why. Reggie was a force to be reckoned with, a cosmic force of vitality and encircling luminescence. Being within Reggie’s light was like a warm embrace, you felt shining, radiantly golden. Reggie spoke again, his gaze finding Luke and Luke was quick to look away. “What about you? What will you get if you win?”

Luke’s eyes flickered from one prize to the next. Earlier he and Alex had a conversation in which they joked about dates at a carnival tropes, asking which one was tasked with winning the other a plush toy. They had resolved to joke that both would just have to try to get each other a toy. But as Luke stood there and his eyes glancing around the offerings, he couldn’t help but let his gaze linger on the small beagle teddy. Luke was handed the basketballs for the game, breaking away his interchangeable thoughts. He turned to Reggie, handing the boy his own.

“I told Alex I’d tried to win him something but forget about it for now.” Luke admitted, quickly grabbing his own basketballs and nodding towards the game. “Let’s go.” 

Luke was quick to remove his gaze from Reggie who had been watching him with an unreadable expression, as if Luke’s answer hadn’t been the one he was looking for. Luke sucked in a breath, facing the shot and focusing himself. He knew he was probably being overdramatic for a carnival game but without even facing the other boy he could feel Reggie’s wandering eyes on him. Luke licked his lips, letting out a quiet breath, his arm hair pricked with the knowledge of the Peters boy’s gaze trailing the plains of his body. He felt electric, in that moment he felt indestructible. So he raised his arm and threw, making the shot perfectly. He lowly whistles to himself before turning to Reggie with a wide smirk on his lips. The other boy looked dazed before he registered Luke’s words. “Your turn.” 

Reggie nodded mindlessly, grabbing one of his basketballs before assuming the same position as Luke had, his eyes on his target. Luke’s eyes traced the curves of Reggie’s side profile. From his rosy cheeks on pale skin, his small button nose to thin pink lips. His gaze was a gentle caress against the boy's face, trailing gentle lines along his jaw in substitute of being able to touch the real thing. Reggie seemed aware of his obvious observing yet the boy said nothing. Instead he raised a wavering arm and took the shot only to miss. He didn’t seem fussed with the matter but his flustered demeanor was apparent and Luke took a secret pleasure in the fact he could have ignited that reaction. Luke hissed in response to the failed attempt, hoping it would disarm the tense Reggie. 

“Yeah, I don’t have the best coordination skills so expect a lot of that.” Reggie jokes, shaking out his limbs and pressing his palms to his jeans and Luke laughed in response, picking up another ball for his second round of the game. 

“You’re so lucky you can play bass.” Luke joked, quirking an eyebrow at the slightly smaller boy. Reggie faked an exaggerated gasp between laughs and pushed at Luke’s bicep. Against the taut muscle, Luke could feel the phantom feeling of Reggie’s touch and for a moment he cursed the extra layer between them. Of course he had to wear a coat that day. Despite Reggie’s shove, Luke remained rooted in place, laughing at the attempt. 

“Now quiet, please. Let’s watch the master at work.” Without looking, he knew Reggie was rolling his eyes and with a startling jolt within him Luke realised that they were flirting or at least something akin to flirting. Luke was naturally teasing and coquettish in his interactions, sure, but he couldn’t deny that even if Reggie wasn’t, Luke was indeed flirting. The thought set his cheeks aflame yet he couldn’t find it in himself to feel remorseful not when the simple teasing bantering between the pair, lit something deep and raw inside his chest and made his whole body stutter with giddiness. 

They continued their game as they started it, with Luke winning every round without much thought and Reggie missing the majority of his. As the worker declared Luke the victor, Reggie applauded with joking unwillingness and Luke bowed a few times before the game attendant asked Luke what his prize would be. Reggie took that as a cue to move a few small steps away, gazing around the fair as Luke turned back to the plushies staring back at him and he knew despite what he had told Reggie and despite some of the reservations he held about the idea, there was only one choice that stood out to him. 

“That one there. The beagle.” He pointed out, and the worker complied, fetching his prize and handing over the small, soft toy to Luke. The teddy felt small in his hands, gentle like it was breakable, it reminded him of Reggie in a way. At least he was sure that’s how Reggie perceived himself, his lyrics that he’d entrusted Luke with over the months had been an indicator of that. Reggie believed himself as something small, gentle, breakable but he was strong, vulnerable and a light that Luke didn’t know he had been looking for until the first day he had laid eyes on him. Luke slid to a stop beside Reggie, still fiddling with the miniscule teddy in his hands, unsure of how to present it to the boy without making it into a big gesture. He bit his lip before outstretching his hand slowly without a word. 

“What is this?” Reggie asked, his voice small. Luke smiled, Reggie already knew well what he was being offered though he gazed at the offering incredulously, as if it was a joke. Luke sent him a bashful smile as Reggie met his gaze with unbelieving wide eyes. His cheeks were beginning to paint splotches of a blushing pink so Luke quickly grasped Reggie’s cold hand in his own, placing the small teddy snuggly in his palm.

“Hey, now at least you can play bass and you have a beagle.” Luke quipped and Reggie rolled his eyes. “What else could you want?” His teasing grin stayed cemented on his lips yet his eyes softened in adoration as Reggie clutched the plush toy closer to his chest in a tight grasp. The small movement filled Luke’s heart with a comforting warmth. He liked it with Reggie, it was always easy going, happy, how it should be with people you care about. 

“Luke, look what I won.” Alex’s voice ripped his attention away from Reggie to where the blonde boy was bounding over to the pair. Luke shifted on his spot, gazing at his boyfriend as he reached them and Luke felt a nervous flutter in his heart because as much as he liked it with Reggie, at the end of the day, it was still wrong of him. Alex whipped a small penguin teddy from behind his back, presenting it to Luke as an offering and his stomach sank.

“For you.” Luke outstretched his hand gingerly to accept the offering. He felt like it was something he shouldn’t be doing, especially with Reggie’s wide, green peering eyes on the pair. Alex had won a teddy and immediately thought to give it to Luke yet Luke had won and while his mind told him of his unspoken promise to Alex on the matter his whole body had pushed him to get a prize for Reggie. His mind whirled with the implications of the simple act. Reggie seemed to freeze beside him, as Luke gazed down at the small plush against his calloused fingertips. Movement caught his attention as he saw Reggie subtly offering back the beagle to Luke, an offering for Alex but Luke didn’t need to think twice about it. That prize was specifically for Reggie, between his bashful anecdote about growing up to the pure way he had gazed at the hanging toy at the booth, that prize had always been Reggie’s through and through and Luke was going to make sure it remained that way.

“Hey Alex, look what Reggie won.” Reggie had frozen at the words and Luke willed the boy to look less caught by surprise. Alex didn’t seem to notice the boy’s tense demeanor as his eyes flashed to Reggie’s own plush toy, complimenting it quickly with a soft smile on his lips. Reggie pulled the plush closer to his chest again as if hugging it and Luke couldn’t even force the smile that overtook his lips away. 

“Yeah, I was way off my game. It was brutal.” Luke chuckled as the girls joined the group from behind Alex. The blonde boy flung around on his heels to face them, Reggie and Luke being able to spare each other a quick, mutually knowing and subtle smile. Reggie nodded his head as if in silent thanks and Luke sent him a small smile. Alex twisted his body so he could face both the other pairs of the group and Reggie grinned agreeing with Luke.

“Yeah, he was crap.” Luke gently faked a gasp at Reggie’s driving home of their inside secret. Instead he mirrored Reggie’s earlier move, placing a hand against Reggie’s tense bicep giving him a small shove. Luke didn’t dare use half as much force as he could have, not wanting Reggie to actually stumble. Reggie’s eyes beamed up at him, warm and alive and Luke felt his grin grow as their gazes connect if even for the briefest moments before Reggie chuckled.

“You’re so lucky you can play guitar.” Catching Luke off guard, Reggie jokingly winked with his sentiment and Luke choked on a laugh or the air, he really wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Reggie Peters was definitely something else. Oh, and he definitely had to give him a wet willy for that one later. 

🎸

Luke had his own little philosophy about dancing, specifically dancing with someone else. It wasn’t one he had ever shared with anyone, he doubted anyone would quite understand it. Luke thought about it as something that in essence made no sense to anyone but him so he kept the idea to himself. Buried in the deepest crevices of his wandering mind and beating heart, he held an idea that stemmed from something his father had said in a passing joke yet it had become something that lingered within his thoughts and chest forever since. He could never remember how the conversation had come about, with his mother cooking dinner by the stove and his father swaying with her to the music on the radio as Luke watched them with adoring eyes from his place perched on the countertop. His mother had recounted the story of the first night she had met his father in a dimly lit dancehall with a fond and nostalgic smile on her face as she remembered their first dance together. From his mother’s side, his father had laughed at the memory telling Luke to ‘forget what anyone says about sex being the ultimate mating experience because without a doubt, dancing with someone you love is the purest coming together of bodies there is’. Luke hadn’t stopped thinking about his words since, even after all these years they weaved their way to the centre of his mind.

Luke watched the dancing couples glide around the dancefloor, safe and loving in each other’s embraces and his mind whirled again with his father’s words. For years he had told himself that dancing was the purest coming together of bodies there is and while he should have just brushed it off as a passing comment from his old man, the words were enough to make him refuse a dance on a few occasions since. Because the way Luke saw it, dancing was a mutual promise to give yourself to each other, a surrender to one another in a synchronised sway, it was connection, trust, an exercise in compatibility. The act of dancing had become the purest, sincerest and simplest form of intimacy in Luke's mind. He decided that if giving music was a matter of emotional connection and giving your soul to someone, then that’s why dancing went hand in hand with it. Because if music was giving your soul to someone, dancing was giving your body and together, in the most vulnerable state Luke could think of, you gave all of yourself to someone. Luke fell in love with the idea and cherished it with everything within him, so much so that Luke kept dancing to himself, guarded, waiting for that moment when he knew; that he wanted to give all of himself to another person. 

“So why aren’t you out there killing it on the dancefloor?” Reggie’s curious voice danced through his ears and Luke was snapped back to reality, remembering he wasn’t alone. Twisting his head, he gazed at the quizzical Reggie that sat across the table from the quiet Luke.

“I don’t dance much.” Luke stopped himself from sputtering out the words in a quick defence, hoping his casual tone had taken over as he spoke. “I’ll dance when it counts.”

I’ll dance when the moment is right. When the person is right. His mind answered for him but Luke shut his mouth quickly, already feeling like he had divulged too much. He hoped Reggie didn’t press further. He could see Reggie’s eyebrows furrow and his lips begin to part in question but before Luke let words fall from his lips, the shaggy haired boy was speaking instead. “So why aren’t you dancing? Billy Joel ain’t your jam?” 

“Oh no, I love Billy Joel!” Reggie quickly answered, a smile beaming on his chapped lips and Luke could only mimic him. “But I’m kinda like Alex on the dancefloor but even worse. I’m a liability.” 

Reggie’s cheeks dusted a rich pink and Luke thought it just might be becoming his favourite colour. Luke blinked quick, laughing as he asked, “A liability? Really? That bad?” Reggie nodded in affirmation and Luke’s curiosity piqued. “How bad? Like what are we talking about here? Aggravated assault by twerking?”

Reggie chuckled at Luke’s words, raising a hand to his lips to laugh into for a brief moment. Luke watched with a tight lipped smile that made his lips quiver as they begged to turn into a beaming grin. Reggie sighed into a final laugh before turning to Luke again, a playful smirk on the right of his mouth. “Oh yeah, exactly like that. One minute I’ll be trying to ‘hit the woah’, the next knowing my luck I’ll accidentally hit someone’s grandmother instead.” 

Within seconds the mental image had Luke with knots in his stomach and an obnoxiously loud laugh beltering from deep within his throat. Just as Luke was getting a grip on himself, his eyes flickered back to Reggie as the other boy gazed down at his watch, conflicted. It was then that Luke heard it, the last announcements of the night warning of visitors' last chance to ride the ferris wheel. He could see his own much smaller wheels turning in Reggie’s head and likewise, Luke felt conflicted. Because he didn’t trust himself to ride that ferris wheel with Reggie but in the moment, taking in Reggie’s indecisive and saddened face, Luke knew he’d take Reggie’s happiness over his own sanity. He would just have to push everything aside for the moment and be on his best behaviour.

“Wait here a second.” He instructed before bolting out of his chair and to the dance floor. He leaves Reggie with a questioning look on his face as Luke tries to gently yet swiftly weave his way through the dancing couples to reach their three dancing friends. Flynn is first to spot him as he reaches the trio.

“Hey, Reggie and I want to go ride the ferris wheel now before it stops for the night. You guys coming with?” Luke’s eyes manically scan from face to face as he asks. Julie is first to refuse, continuing to dance on the spot beside the others. Flynn seems to be waiting, hinging her response on Alex’s.

“Sorry, Lu but I’m gonna stick with Julie on this one, if it’s okay?” Alex asks pleading but Luke can see he really has no desire to put his fate in a rocking ferris wheel seat. Luke nods his head in understanding before turning to Flynn.

“I’ll stay here. As long as Reggie has someone to ride with I’m good.” Flynn turns back towards Julie and the pair begin dancing again. With all the confirmation Luke needs, he presses a quick kiss to Alex’s cheek before turning away, shouting back over the music to the group as he leaves. “We’ll meet up with you guys in a bit then!” 

Reggie is still waiting for Luke when he returns, his apprehensive demeanor disintegrating as his searching eyes find Luke again. Once he’s a step in front of Reggie he stops, a shy smile on his lips. “I told the others we’re gonna run to ride the ferris wheel and they’re gonna wait here.” 

“Luke, you didn’t have to do that.” Reggie laughs a small sigh as he stands but Luke can tell he is appreciative the decision was taken away from him. Another second longer of the ‘Should I stay or should I go’ game in Reggie’s head and he’d be a Clash song. Luke quickly began moving with a nod of his head for Reggie to follow which he dutifully did.

“Hey, we’re the ones that wanted to ride the ferris wheel the most. We’re not missing it.” Luke said in finality as they reached the exit of the music tent. In the night air, he turned to glance at the smiling Reggie over his shoulder. “Now we only have a few minutes to make it across the fair to the wheel. So let’s hope you’re better at running then you are dancing.”

Without a second thought, Luke wrapped his hand in Reggie’s, tugging the boy away with him. He felt Reggie’s steps stutter as he broke out into a run but after a few less than graceful stammers he was picking up the pace and mirroring Luke. Blood was rushing through Luke’s body filling him with a sizzling warmth and unforgiving adrenaline pumping through his veins. He loved the feeling and a joyous laugh passed by his ajar lips and filled the air between the two boys. As they ran through the crowds, quickly sidestepping and diving through pedestrians, Luke chanced a glance back at Reggie. His eyes found the boy's flushed face and beaming smile, wind whipping against his skin and dancing through his hair and Luke grinned, he was a vision. As the ferris wheel and it’s line came into site, Luke sped up for the last hurdle. His pulse thrummed against his eardrums and the whipping air sliced at his skin, his sweaty palm clutched Reggie’s hand harder to make sure he didn’t lose him. He was breathless and trembling with aching bones and a fire setting in his dry throat but he was alive, euphoric, in the rushing now. 

“Touch down!” He declared, breathless and fumbling as he slid against the muddy grass, into the growing line with a glimmering smile on his lips and hands raised in triumphant. Reggie slipped against the ground, his feet fumbling as his body collided against Luke’s side. Luke reached out an arm to steady the boy. Reggie glanced up to him with a sheepish smile on his lips as he found his footing and stood straighter. Where Reggie steadied, Luke felt himself consumed with a dizzying head yet he didn’t think it had anything to do with running. The pair remained quiet for a few quick moments but despite this they felt entirely too long for Luke. When he finally knew he could speak without sounding completely breath taken, he managed out a few words of casual conversation.

“So, are you a big Billy Joel head?” He asked, remembering their earlier conversation. Every day was another day to learn something new about Reggie and Luke loved how slowly, with one fact at a time he was creating the clearer picture of Reggie with every puzzled piece he connected to another. Reggie was a product made of numerous intricate puzzle pieces with the sharpest edges but Luke hoped someday he would be able to complete that picture, knowing where every piece fit and maybe wherehe, himself fit in the process of it. 

“Definitely. Billy Joel is the best. My mom loves him so I grew up listening to his music a lot.” Luke glanced at the boy to his side, a wistful smile took over Reggie’s lips as he stayed staring straight ahead. Luke felt a dull ache beginning to grow throughout him remembering Reggie’s relationship, or lack thereof, with his estranged parents. Luke knew it weighed down on the boy to some degree but he only ever saw glimpses like when Reggie’s expression stumbled and a frown managed to creep its way past his facades. They only happened for the briefest moment before the boy was smiling and joking again and you were left wondering if you had seen anything to start with it. “She actually brought me to see him when I was younger. He was my first concert.” 

Luke twisted his body slightly towards Reggie at the new information, his attention perking. “No way? Your first concert was Billy Joel? Must have been a rager.” 

Reggie rolled his eyes at Luke’s joking tone yet Luke was impressed, interested, invested. The smallest details of Reggie and his life fascinated him to no end. Reggie grinned back at Luke and Luke knew his gaze was softening at the sight. “It was the hottest ticket in town, okay? You think you’ve been to wild concerts but nothing can compare to twelve year old Reggie rocking out to ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ with a bunch of middle aged parents.”

Luke was sent into another fit of bubbling, boisterous laughter at the mental image Reggie had painted. They took a few steps forward in the moving ride line and for a moment he remembered the day he had seen Reggie for the first time, or more specifically, that night when he had stood at The Orpheum concessions wondering if the nameless boy of the bus stop liked music, liked gigs the same way Luke did and here he was, real living proof. Luke’s chest swelled with a warming feeling at the thought that he almost took flight. “Wow, you’re right. I wish I could have seen that.”

“What about you? What was your first concert?” Reggie’s feet scuffed against the wet grass as they waited for their turn to come around. Luke’s eyes lit up at the memory of him on his dad’s shoulders, wide eyes and gaping mouth watching the absolute mania on stage. He tried to not let the seeping sadness at missing spending time with his dad like that grow too much within him.

“It was The Eagles with the one and only Mitch Patterson. I was eleven , I think.” A fond smile over took his lips, enamored and nostalgic and he missed the feeling, if only he could relive it. “I hadn’t even a real clue who they were before that night but I’ll never forget. It was like something clicked inside me, this is what I wanted to do. A few months later dad bought me my first guitar and I’ve never looked back.”

“Glenn Frey is a mega guitarist, he’s a great pick for your musical awakening.” Reggie nodded in understanding and Luke felt his smile grow a few inches wider at the validation.

“Yeah, I think so too.” He agreed, his voice small but the smile still lingered on his lips. He dipped his head to stare at the ground, as if to keep the smile stretching the side of his mouth a secret from the boy on his left. As they waited at the top of the line for their seats to come round, Luke couldn’t help but think of how grateful he was for Reggie. With every song they wrote, every beat they helped each other perfect, to the hours they’d spend on the couch talking about musicians and influences past and present, it felt like they grew together. Together they created an environment in which they were comfortable in, in which they could flourish. “It’s always something I’ve loved and a band with people who were similar and loved music just as much is something I’ve always wanted and I guess...I guess I just wanted to say I’m really lucky I found you…”

Luke’s breath hitched as he stopped speaking, realising his words and he chewed the inside of his cheek harshly sensing Reggie still at his side. “...you guys. Found you guys.” He corrected but he wasn’t sure it would help him now, the damage was probably done. Before he could sink into himself, the ferris wheel monitor was calling them forwards to take their seats in their booth. Within minutes they were rising, higher and higher and the press of Reggie against his side and the silence was beginning to drive Luke into overdrive.

“So any other interesting firsts?” The words were the first to come to his mind and flood his mouth. He immediately regretted them as they seeped from between his teeth but he had been craving a way to dissipate the silence so he sat quietly and let his question linger in the air between them. 

“Like what?” Reggie coughed, and Luke bit his tongue to contain a laugh that wanted to tremble from his lips. Reggie hadn’t been expecting that question either it would seem. Luke’s mind automatically headed in a quite specific direction in answer to Reggie but he stopped his mind swiftly, shrugging instead, trying to ask as casually as he could. “First kiss?” 

“You first.” Reggie answered back quickly and Luke couldn’t help but meet his gaze and give Reggie a pointed look and raised eyebrow. “Hey, I went first last time. Only fair.” 

Luke gazed skeptically at Reggie for a second. He shook his head at the boy but decided to comply knowing he wouldn’t let him off that easy when he was finished. “My first kiss was Susie Meyers when I was thirteen, in the kitchen during her mother’s book club. I only went in there cause I wanted one of those tiny sandwiches but Susie was very persistent.”

Reggie chuckled beside him quietly, his fingers beginning to fiddle in his lap. Luke gave him a gentle nudge in his arm with his elbow, trying to disarm him, telling him it was all in good fun. “Now you.” 

Reggie bit his lip nervous, before mumbling. “Would you believe me if I said I’ve never been kissed?” 

Reggie looked up at Luke, barely meeting his eyes. Luke raised a skeptical eyebrow, he had heard all about Reggie and Bobby’s nighttime proclivities so he was swayed to say no, he didn’t believe him. Instead his eyebrow remained quirked as he asked, “What? Like that Drew Barrymore movie?” 

“Yep. They actually wrote that about my life.” Reggie nodded, admitting it as if fact. Luke sent him a disbelieving look but taking in Reggie’s hard work to dodge the question he was about to shoot down his interrogation and tell Reggie that he didn’t have to say anything when Reggie was shrugging and saying with blase casualness in his tone, “Okay. Okay. It was Alex.”

Luke knew his eyes were widening at the admission and he felt himself grin at the information. Alex had never mentioned it before yet as Luke thought about it he hadn’t exactly asked. He was then left with the pondering thought of why he thought to ask Reggie the question before his own boyfriend. “Alex.” He repeated, mulling the mental image in his head and if he was honest, he didn’t hate where it was taking him.

“Yep. Alex was panicking about never getting his first kiss and that he’d die all lonely and decrepit and I told him I would be his first kiss. So we were each other’s first kiss and it was awkward and fumbling and really bad but it took a weight off. I wouldn’t change it even if I got the chance to go back and redo it.”

Luke let a tender smile take over his lips at Reggie’s confession. Sure, Luke’s stellar image he had been painting was a bit tainted with reality now but he didn’t dwell on it. What he did dwell on was the simmering feeling of his stomach at a very specific type of thought, one that was consumed by not so much jealousy but of envy and not in the way he had expected. He thought he might feel jealousy at the thought of Reggie kissing his boyfriend but no, ever the mess of a human being Luke was destined to be, he instead felt envy because Alex had known the taste and touch of Reggie’s lips and he hadn’t. He bit his tongue at the burning inside him, willing it away or at least to the background of his mind. Instead, he resolved to ask jokingly, “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t the smoothest kiss in the book. Neither of us knew what we were doing and I had these giant braces.” Reggie admitted with a laugh, his fingers raising to trace the blush trailing across his cheeks at the memory and Luke quirked an eyebrow at the image, a small grin on his lips. Reggie sighed in his laughter. “Damn crooked teeth.”

“I’m sure you had very cute crooked teeth.” Luke sputtered out in a laugh before his mind could process the words fully. Reggie’s lips parted in a timid smile as his words and Luke couldn’t help the way his gaze flickered down to his mouth at the action. His laughter got caught in his throat and for a moment, no matter how brief, he thought he forgot how to breathe. Reggie looked away and Luke was forced to do the same as the ferris wheel rounded into their second go. Luke’s mind whirled in synchronization with the circling fair ride. For the first time in a long time, he was speechless. 

“Do you ever think about the idea of parallel universes?” Reggie’s quiet, wonder filled voice caught Luke off guard. He twisted his neck to peer at Reggie only to find the boy dazed, eyes on the twinkling stars in the sky. Luke furrowed his eyes, a perplexed expression that Reggie missed. 

“What? Like Spiderman?” Luke quizzed. When a chuckle fled Reggie’s mouth and the corners of his lips tugged into a tender grin, Luke assumed it wasn’t what the Peters boy meant. Reggie never looked away from the never ending sky as he continued.

“No, not like Spiderman exactly.” Reggie said, the humour from Luke’s comment still lingering in his voice. Luke mirrored the boy to his side, creaking his neck back and gazing up at the blackening sky above. 

“It’s something I think about sometimes. How there could be infinite parallel universes with infinite Reggies and Lukes and everyone and while some universes could be completely different, I like to think there’s similar versions that are only different in the smallest ways, the smallest details.” 

“I never thought about it like that.” Luke’s voice is small, gentle, a whisper against the whipping night winds. Reggie seems to hear and hums in response as they gaze up into the unknown, into the universe and the many others that lay beyond. “What kind of small details do you think would be different?”

Reggie smiles at that question, Luke can tell even with his eyes elsewhere all from the smallest suction of breath Reggie intakes as he does. “Like Luke Number 395 and Reggie Number 615 are currently riding a ferris wheel too but it’s day time and they’re in Coney Island.” 

It’s Luke’s turn to laugh at Reggie’s hypothesis but it’s not mocking or judging. Instead Luke finds himself wishing he could swim inside the depths of Reggie’s mind if even for the day. Luke decides he wants to know more.“If all the different variations of us are numbered, what are we?” 

Reggie finally removes his gaze from the sky and to Luke. Feeling his searching eyes on him, Luke glances away from the sky and to Reggie too. Meeting gazes, Reggie smiles with his eyes running across Luke’s face as if examining, deciding. “You look like a Luke Number 1912.” 

Luke nods, taking in his new status. He doesn’t know whether to feel comfort or existential at the idea of just being one of many Luke’s. Instead, he decides to ask. “And what number Reggie are you?” 

Reggie stays silent for a moment, his mind turning and Luke can see it as he debates the possible outcomes. “Number 1720.” 

“Well, Luke Number 1912 is having a great time with Reggie Number 1720 right now.” Luke laughs and Reggie giggles at the comment. The very sound lights Luke’s cheeks a flame and he can’t stop the grin that bursts onto his face. Reggie looks towards the sky again and Luke wonders if he can see more than meets the eye, more than Luke ever could. 

“I like using it to help me make choices in life. Like how if I’m given two options, two paths. I visualize if Reggie from another universe picked the other choice than me where that would lead him, that way even if it’s through different universes, I still got to do everything.” Reggie says dreamily and Luke wonders if Reggie has ever told anyone else this before. He thinks he may be the first and an indescribable force makes his heart stutter and skip. “That probably makes no sense.”

“It makes perfect sense.” Luke is quick to assure, his eyes still stuck on Reggie even as the other boy meets gazes with the stars. “What are other Reggie’s doing, do you think?”

Reggie smiles a small half smile at the thought and Luke tilts his head to catch a better glimpse at the spectacle. “Reggie Number 568 is in college...he studies social care, he wants to help kids from broken families.” 

Luke’s heart feels heavy but his adoring eyes glint with nothing but love and respect for the boy beside him. And then Reggie continues, “And then there’s Reggie 2134 he’s probably a photographer for Playboy or something. Real class act.” 

Luke bursts into bright and addictive laughter and Reggie has no choice but to join him. Their voices twist and blend together in their joy. When their laughter dies down, Reggie asks, “What about the other Lukes? What are they up to?”

Luke pouts his lips in thought and Reggie watches him carefully as he thinks over the question. “Well on one hand there’s Luke 873 who is in college, studying finance so he can get stuck in some dead end job. He’s in absolute misery but his parents are ecstatic.”

“Yikes. Bleak.” Reggie comments through a hissed intake of breath.

“But then on the other hand, there’s Luke 296 who’s playing Madison Square Garden with his band Sunrise Straight tonight.” Luke jokes, Reggie breaks into a chuckle and Luke winks and carries on before he has time to dwell on the action. “He’s the rockstar.”

He doesn’t mean to sound as wistful as he does but Reggie notices and nudges his side gently. Luke meets his green peering eyes and can’t seem to look away as Reggie sends him a hopeful smile. “Impossible. He’s not the version of Luke that’s gonna make an impact with his music.”

“You really think that?” Luke asks, his hazel eyes melting into Reggie’s. Reggie nodded in assurance and he leaned back in his seat, his eyes back on the night sky and Luke immediately felt cold in his gaze's absence. 

“All the parallel universes stuff may just be theories but if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that you’re destined to be a star, Luke Patterson.” 

Reggie doesn’t dare move his gaze away from the night sky as they begin reaching the bottom of the ride and the end of their turn but Luke can’t keep his wide eyes off him. There’s so much he wished he could say, so much he wanted to tell him. Like how he thought Reggie quite possibly had the most beautiful mind of anyone he had ever met in his lifetime. How he didn’t want to be a star if he wasn’t with Reggie and Alex. How out of all things that went wrong in their lives how they could never be wrong together, that everything always felt right. How Reggie excited him, overjoyed him, made him feel alive and absolutely terrified him all at once. How out of all the infinite universes and infinite Reggies and Lukes, that Luke 1912 wouldn’t rather be with any other Reggie but him. And how that as scared as the thought made him, Reggie had been the first person to ever make him think that maybe he was who Luke wanted to dance with.

The ride came to an end with a halt and a jolt shook through his body. There’s so much he wished he could say, so much he wanted to tell him. Like how somehow, as much as he tried to persist his feelings would go away, Luke Patterson had fallen in love with Reggie Peters and well, he was fucking terrified. 

🎸

Luke had been pretty much stunned into silence since his revelation on the ferris wheel. The undeniable truth made his entire body cease up, rigid and tense and his stomach twisted with delight and fright. As if the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering around madly, trying to escape the net that was trying to catch them but instead bashed his insides in the process. He stood silently in the doorway of his house, back pressed against the familiar wooden door, hands dug deep into the pockets of his jacket and pulling frantically at the loose strings of fabric within. At the end of the night, Alex had wrapped his arms around Luke lovingly; what was an affectionate embrace for Alex was a suffocating cage of guilt for Luke. He has asked Luke if he was coming home with him, his last night in town before his trip for the holidays but Luke stumbled over his thoughts unable to agree, telling Alex he should probably spend the night at home. It had been awhile since Luke had spent more than a few hours there. Alex nodded understandingly, pulling Luke in for a kiss before they parted ways. His lips were warm, inviting, loving and yet the feeling made Luke grow cold because how could he love Alex the way he did but still think about Reggie the way he did. It didn’t help that without noticing, before they had parted from their kiss Luke’s eyes had opened and right there, over Alex’s shoulders was Reggie. His eyes already fixated on the pair as he met Luke’s gaze. Luke had torn his mouth from Alex’s, his body buzzing and he was terrified he'd shock anyone that would come near him. Is this what a ticking time bomb felt like, he wondered?

A rattle from the darkened kitchen elicited his attention, breaking his thoughts away from the whirlpool that was his mind at present. Pushing himself off the door, he ambled into the kitchen. In hindsight, he probably should have grabbed something for protection before he waltzed into the kitchen but seeing his mother pottering around the room in her night dress had disarmed him immediately.

“What are you doing up still?” He asked, voice quiet as his father was probably very much asleep. He glanced at the clock, a few minutes after midnight as his mother whirled around to meet him. 

“Oh, sweetie, your home.” She said in a small breathless voice, a smile dancing onto her lips. “I just couldn’t get to sleep. I was about to head up.” 

Her voice is small and Luke remembers times, when he still mostly stayed at home, how she would wait for him to come home safely using the same excuse as to why she was still up. Luke instantly felt guilty, wondering if she still did that now, even though there was never a guarantee he’d come home at all. 

“How are you?” She asked, noticing how his rigid body was standing as still as a plank beside the island across from her. Luke tried to shake his tension loose, moving to shrug his long denim coat off his shoulders and draping it over the stool beside him. His mother watched him closely through it all.

“I’m fine. Spent the night at the winter carnival with the gang.” He explained, nodding his head and swaying slightly on his heels. His memories of the whole night only clouded by the interaction at the top of the ferris wheel. His mother seemed to sense his spinning thoughts. Emily spun around on her heel to open the fridge from behind her and pulled out a pint of ice cream from the freezer. Once she had the ice cream and two spoons in hand, she turned back towards Luke, placing the three items in the middle of the island between them.

“What’s running through your mind, Lu?” Emily asked, pushing one spoon towards Luke before picking up her own. With a push of her thumb, the lid of the ice cream pops open. “Is everything okay?” 

Luke is stunned into momentary silence watching her. His hand grabs the spoon and the metal fumbles between his fingers. For everything that his parents fought with him about, he knew that they cared about him, they wanted to be there for him. Luke had tried many times to push them away when they became too overbearing and he knew he would still do it many times in the future but it was just what they were like but Luke also didn’t like to bear thinking about what he would do without them. It was the quiet moments, like this, where he forgot about that. 

Luke licks his dry lips, words briefly getting lost on his tongue. Emily plunges her spoon into the icy depths of the dairy treat and before Luke can second guess himself, he asks. “Is it possible to be in love with two people at once?” 

Emily’s spoon stills at her mouth and Luke is afraid to let his gaze go higher and meet her eyes. He’s not sure what he will find there. Instead his mother hums in thought, pulling the spoon into her mouth and eats as she thinks. Luke finally finds his own courage to dig his spoon into the treat. When he pulls back, his mother is watching him pensively. 

“I think it’s more than possible.” She says after a quiet moment and Luke releases a breath he didn’t remember holding. “Polyamory exists, that’s proof enough that it’s possible.” 

Luke nods yet he sighs because he doesn’t know where it relates to him specifically. “I don’t think that’s what it is though.” 

“What does it feel like?” Emily leans against the island counter on her arms and Luke mimics her movement, both at eye level across the marble counter. Luke bites his lip, puncturing the skin for a swift second before he’s letting go to speak.

“It doesn’t feel like an equal kind of love.” Luke wrings his hands together, as if pulling at his mind. He doesn’t like the feeling, how he can’t articulate what it is exactly that is happening within him. “It feels with these two people like I’m being pulled, being stretched each way and I don’t know where it is that I’m supposed to move.”

Emily hums in thought as Luke continues. “But I love them both but how is that possible? It's weird cause it’s…” 

“Different?” Emily offers and Luke nods with a sigh in resignation.

“Yeah,” His spoon plays with the melting ice cream in the tub but he doesn’t feel like eating. “I love them both in a different way. It makes me second guess everything I know about love and relationships. Everything I feel with Alex is completely different to how it feels with...just how it feels with someone else. I don’t know what feels real anymore.” 

He doesn’t know why he thinks his mother has all the answers to the universe. She definitely doesn’t, no one has but Luke just needs to get it off his chest, to be heard, understood, validated if at all possible. Just some kind of confirmation he’s not losing his mind and that he’s not a terrible person. 

“We love people in a different way. No two people are the same. Everyone is going to spark a different reaction, that doesn’t mean what you feel isn’t real or not valid, sweetie.” Luke meets his mother’s gaze, only realising his own bleary eyes. “Love is scary because we can’t control it. We don’t dictate who we love, how much or even if the love is within reason. But love wouldn’t be what it is without that mystery. I think that’s the beauty in it.” 

“When did you become such a philosopher?” Luke joked, blinking quickly to will away tears. Emily reached out a warm hand, cupping his cold cheek in a loving caress and Luke had missed her maternal touches. As a kid, he swore his mother had healing abilities, how with the warmest of hugs, smallest of pecking kisses and gentlest of touches she could soak up his pain and take it away. 

“Everyone is a philosopher, when you think about it.” She whispered, pulling her hand away again and Luke rolled his eyes at her answer but he had to admit, he liked that thought a lot. He thought back to his own philosophy on dancing to Reggie’s about parallel universes. Everyone had their own theories, philosophies, the smallest thoughts that are theirs and theirs alone and Luke found joy in the idea of that. 

“Trust your feelings and don’t be afraid of love but I want you to be careful.” Emily said, her voice small and whispering as if it was a secret. Luke nodded his head as she finished, “Getting tugged and pulled between two people can be a dangerous game, I just don’t want to see you stretched so thin that you and others get hurt in the process.”

“I won’t.” Luke assured her in a whimpered whisper. Although, he wasn’t sure if he could assure that with any amount of strong confidence. Instead, he rounded the island and pulled his mother into his arms in a tight embrace. With his face buried into the top of her head, he placed a quick kiss followed by a muffled whisper. “Thank you, Ma.”

When they broke a part, Emily held her son at arms length and gazed at the man he had become with a soft smile on her lips. Rubbing her hands comfortingly up and down his arms before she let go, she nodded her head, gesturing to upstairs. “It’s late. You head off to bed, sweetie. I’ll clean this up before I go to sleep.” 

“Okay,” Luke nodded with a soft smile on his lips. He grabbed his jacket from the chair, before heading towards the hallway to the stairs but not before looking back at his tired mother, whispering. “Goodnight.” 

In his darkened room, his body slumped and his shoulders shagged as he sighed from deep within his tired chest. He kicked off his shoes at the doorway before moving over to his cluttered desk, where he ditched his jacket on the wheelie chair already packed with numerous other items of clothing. His gaze found the opened songbook sitting atop his desk, open on a new melody and lyrics that he and Reggie had been working on a few days ago. A smile flooded his lips and he wondered how many other Lukes were lucky enough to have a Reggie in their lives. A question sprung to his mind and he debated if it was even worth asking but before he could ruminate it further he pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket. Opening up his messages with Reggie, he stumbled across the room to fall down on his crumpled bed sheets, typing out the question that he wasn’t sure why it was so pressing that he asked. But there was something inside him, he wanted to know.

‘What’s your favourite Billy Joel song of all time?’

He bit his lip as he hit send, wondering if Reggie would think that the random question at half twelve in the morning was an odd request. Before he can overthink and regret his decision, Reggie’s response is almost instantaneous. 

‘Vienna, without a doubt. Why?’

Luke felt his smile stretch at the answer, he personally couldn’t place the song. He was admittedly not the most well versed on the works of Billy Joel but something told him Reggie would change that, even if the boy was aware or not. Luke’s fingers tapped quickly at the screen.

‘Just wondering. G’night.’ 

Turning over to his side in his bed, Luke exited his messages and opened Spotify without a second thought. Typing in the one word, six letters. He didn’t know why but he took a calming breath before he pressed play, as if the song would unlock the inner secrets of Reggie Peters. He placed his phone down on the blanket beside him as he pulled one of his pillows closer to his chest, hugging the soft material to himself, laying his head against the green pillowcase. His eyes fluttered closed in a bid to form a mental image. With his eyelids pressed closed, arms wrapped tightly around his pillow and the gentle piano chords and lyrics of Billy Joel filling the air, he was transported. Suddenly he was on top of that ferris wheel again. Suddenly, he was holding a body against his own instead of a pillow. Suddenly, he was stuck between a recent memory and a distant dream. But he didn’t care because of the most brilliant yet taboo dreams and briefest of moments, he wasn’t in his room at a quarter to one in the morning. He wasn’t cradling his sheets in an attempt to garner comfort. He wasn’t living a fantasy. He wasn’t alone. 

🎸

He had tried his best to stay away for as long as he could. He had really tried. 

He lasted two days. 

Two days of missing a boy who should only be his friend. Two days of constantly listening to Billy Joel and researching theories on parallel universes in case the topic ever would arise again. He told himself even though it was obsessive behaviour, it was a safer alternative than being near said boy. He needed time to figure out himself, he needed time alone yet the plan he had convinced himself was the best course of action when it came to Reggie, had lasted all of two days. He told himself as he perused the shops around the city that he was doing last minute Christmas shopping and while that much was true he knew his mind had its own ulterior motives. The streets were busy and bustling and the day cold and as Luke spent an unusually absorbent amount of time in local bookshop reading random chapters of book he’d plucked off the classics shelf section, he was wondering just how long he could keep himself busy until his body betrayed him and moved three shops down the street to the record shop that Reggie was working at. He had even managed to keep himself occupied, getting fixated on a particular quote within the book he was reading sparsely. He had flipped the book over, reading ‘James Joyce’ on the cover but the quote had only worked to remind him of Reggie so with a lack of better judgement, he had bought the book and travelled those few quick steps to the record shop.

Reggie had looked tired but not in the way one got from a lack of sleep, instead his exhaustion exuded from him as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was a far cry from the carefree and bright Reggie he had been on the ferris wheel two days prior. Luke’s heart ached. The pain within the organ only pressurised and caused a crackling suffocation as Reggie helped him pick out presents for Alex, Alex who wasn’t there and Luke realised with a clenching guilt that he didn’t exactly mind. What he did mind, however, was knowing more about Reggie and his music taste than he did his own boyfriend or even worse how he found himself wanting to know more about the Peters boy than anything else. So with the stirring realisation he had asked him to join Luke for a drink after work and even more surprisingly, that even with his obviously dampened spirits, Reggie had agreed with a small, timid smile. They’d been walking for a few minutes, exchanging pleasant conversation as they moved through the fair, warm coffees in hands but Luke was hankering to ask something more. To delve into each other, explore those parts of themselves that everyone bar each other had thought to overlook. But more than anything he wanted to ask if Reggie was okay. So as they reached the end of the Christmas stalls and moved over to the open ice rink to observe the spinning children and fumbling adults, Luke couldn’t bear to keep the question to himself in the silence between them.

“Reg, are you okay?” Luke asked slowly, gently. He didn’t want to catch Reggie off guard or ambush the boy. Reggie met his gaze and Luke could tell he was already gearing up to brush off Luke’s worries but Luke continued before he got the chance, letting him know that Reggie couldn’t easily ruse him. Because Luke had already seen that slip from behind his facade, as brief as it had been. “And it’s not a ‘just having a bad day’ kind of thing. It’s like...like something that’s been weighing down on you for awhile.”

Reggie froze and Luke was afraid he may have overstepped but he knew if he didn’t push a little more than usual, Reggie would brush it aside with some flawless excuse and it would never be mentioned again. The others were always so quick to believe it all, Luke wondered if Reggie had really fooled them that well or had they just given up on trying to get him to put down the mask. Luke wished he would step back from the masquerade he constantly wore because Luke had seen glimpses of the real Reggie and as much as it scared him, he loved him and missed him. From Reggie trying to cover up his worry of Alex leaving to the way Luke was sure Reggie had felt the same stagnant feeling as he had before, Luke just wanted him to be honest. Not only for Luke but for himself. Luke wondered just how much of a hypocrite that made him.

“I guess when Alex started making amends and getting part of his family back it got me thinking about mine a lot more.” Reggie sighed, already resigned. Luke bit his lip and tried to keep his hands to himself as Reggie’s eyes began to tear up. “Because I don’t even know what my parents are doing right now, hell, I don’t even know who they are because they’re certainly not who I remember them as. Makes you wonder what the real version is.”

Luke wasn’t sure what to say but despite this his left hand reached out to be placed comfortingly against Reggie’s rigid back. “Oh, Reg.” 

“I hate that I feel like I miss them because I know deep down that what I miss is a version of them, a version from a long time ago. A version that doesn’t exist anymore.” Luke watched as Reggie fumbled with his hands, not wanting to meet Luke’s eyes. Though it was by no means the same, Luke felt a small part of him relating. His parents are definitely not who they had been when he was a child, for better or for worse? He always found himself still debating it. Luke began rubbing comforting circles against Reggie’s back and he found the other boy relaxing into the touch.

“I know I should be happy for Alex and a part of me really is. But I’m scared. Everyone is moving on and I’m just here...I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this loneliness cause my parents couldn’t just care about me, cause they couldn’t stop fighting and think about the fucking kid standing there watching them throwing frying pans at each other, cause they couldn’t just love me like they were supposed to.” Luke had always known Reggie had a less than stellar family, he had witnessed the abuse first hand yet it still struck him to his core hearing Reggie describe it.

Reggie’s body trembled beneath his fingertips and Luke couldn’t keep his distance anymore as Reggie cried out painful sobs that fled into his chest and tore his heart to pieces. Luke pulled Reggie into his chest, the younger boy burying his face against the material of Luke’s clothes and Luke tightly embraced him, his arms a protective shield around the other boy. Luke whispered, his hot breath moving tendrils of Reggie’s hair as he spoke. “Reg, I know you had a shit time with your parents and you didn’t deserve any of it all but you can’t possibly believe they didn’t love you. It’s just impossible. Impossible that anyone couldn’t love you.”

Luke’s heart stuttered at his words, Luke knew first hand how easy it was to fall in love with Reggie Peters, even when you tried your hardest not to. Reggie stilled in his arms but only for the briefest of moments before he was mumbling into Luke’s chest. “For them love was like an obligation. Did it by default not because they felt it. They may have loved me but they sure as hell never liked me.”

Luke’s hand resumed the gentle circles he was rubbing into Reggie’s back, hoping the small movement would warm something inside the broken boy, not enough to fix but hopefully aid in the start to healing. His actions were futile, wishful thinking, as Reggie sadly muttered into the fabric of his shirt, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t belong anywhere.” 

Luke’s body tensed, he wanted nothing more than to tell him he belonged with him but he thought the words might scare Reggie as much as the truth behind them scared Luke. He opted to ease into the idea instead. “Reggie, you are the most amazing, remarkable person I have ever met. You’re hilarious and optimistic and positive nearly all of the time. You care about your friends so deeply, just as they care about you. They’re your family. You belong with them, with us. You belong to the world, Reggie and the world belongs to you.”

Reggie’s body froze as he audible gasped at his words but Luke couldn’t find it in himself to overthink. He was being more truthful than he had been in days, weeks, months, hell, even years. Since the day he had first laid his eyes on him, since the day Reggie had bumped into his arm and Luke went stumbling. Because maybe the bump Reggie gave him hadn’t ended up with Luke on the ground but Luke had been falling ever since. 

“You are the most gentle person I’ve ever met yet the most tough as well. You have such a bright and infectious light about you, Reg. I’ve thought about it since the very first day I met you. Don’t ever let anyone dim that light.” As he finished, Reggie clutched onto his arms and pushed back to face Luke. He blinked slowly, registering Luke’s words and the breath got caught in Luke’s throat as he clutched Reggie’s arms back. They were the only things keeping each other upright, a lifeline. But as Reggie watched him with an unwavering gaze, Luke felt incredibly guilty because these were not the things you said to only a friend. Luke was a few sentences away from a full on love declaration and his guilt was insurmountable. 

“Do you mean the first time we got introduced to each other? Or the very first time we saw each other?” Luke could feel his eyes widen slightly and with Reggie’s unwavering stare on him he was sure that Reggie could see it too. His green eyes were searching Luke’s, looking for a falter, a sign of recognition and Luke knew that there were definitely many there to latch onto. But Luke couldn’t admit it, he couldn’t tell him he was on his mind like a ghost of a memory for a year, how he still thought about him everyday only shrouded by the crushing guilt that what he feels for him shouldn’t exist, shouldn’t fire him up in a way he hasn’t experienced with his own boyfriend. Because he loves them in different ways and now Reggie is here admitting to Luke in so many words that he remembers him, that maybe Luke hadn’t been the only one obsessing over the encounter since. He tells himself no, that there’s a giant ‘Danger Zone’ sign above the door for admittance in his head. 

“What? What are you talking about?” So Luke lies. His palms are sweating and slick and his stomach is a mess. Reggie is watching him with tired, hurt eyes that tell him that he doesn’t believe Luke for a second. But Reggie can’t feel anything for him, he can’t want him. Luke doesn’t deserve him, he never did and he certainly doesn’t now. Luke doesn’t deserve any of the love and kindness Reggie and Alex have given him over the years and it’s only heightened by Reggie’s hurt eyes and sad tone now.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Luke.” Reggie’s voice wavers and Luke curses his silence, his indecision. But he doesn’t know what he should say, he doesn’t trust himself like that. “Before I was Reggie, before you were Luke. Before...Before Alex. Just you and I, strangers at a….”

“At a bus stop.” Luke’s voice is low, a gulping breath that stings his closing throat. For a moment he thinks he’s not able to breathe. Reggie grasps at his flannel shirt desperately, pulling himself close as if he’d crumple without him. Luke’s hands grasp at Reggie’s waist with equal dire need. Reggie is close, his hot breath on Luke’s face and Luke quivers at the feeling. They’ve been this close before and he’s heading for overdrive. The feeling is exhilarating and absolutely terrifying. 

“Why did you pretend you didn’t remember?” Reggie’s voice is small and vulnerable, just as he looks in Luke’s hands. He doesn’t think they can get any closer than they are at that moment but he closes his eyes and he knows with Reggie’s lips mere inches from his own that that isn’t the truth. He breathes deeply and his body is trembling, betraying him. He’s doing what he assured his mother he wouldn’t. He’s stretching himself too thin and now he’s ripping at the seams. 

“Because we can’t, Reg.” It’s a plea, he knows it is. Asking for Reggie to take away the option before he did something they’d regret. Reggie takes heed of his words and pushes away and Luke feels like he could stumble without him there. 

“Maybe it would’ve been best if you hadn't remembered.” Reggie’s voice is a hurt whisper as he moves away and Luke feels like he should be able to breathe easy now but Reggie’s words pack a punch and it bruises. Without another glance at him, Reggie is moving away from his back to him, forgetting about him. And a part of Luke is furious for making him come to terms with not only his feelings but the fact that Reggie may mirror them too. To dangle that information and then leave him at his most vulnerable and he hates it. 

The book he had bought earlier weighs down in his shopping bag and he can’t help but think of the quote he had fixated on earlier. ‘I did not know...if I spoke to her, how I could tell her of my confused adoration. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires.’ 

Reggie was that for Luke. Reggie touched Luke, in his words, in his lyrics, in his gestures, in his beautiful mind and in turn Luke created symphonies. So without another thought, his feet were moving fast, bounding against the pavement to catch up with Reggie as he came to the back of the wooden fair stalls. 

“That’s not fair.” Luke shouted breathless when he was a few short steps away from Reggie, making the other boy swing around to face him. Reggie looked so small under his gaze, pleading with Luke to let it be but it was too late, they were doomed from the start. “I remember. I remember everything and you do too.” 

He took a few slow steps towards Reggie, watching the timid, tense boy and he hated how he felt like his prey. Luke breathed out his words, his throat dry and air limited. “It’s been three years of you being so close yet so out of reach. You...you can’t force me to face this and then leave to make me do it alone.”

Reggie tried to smile apologetically but the smallest tilt of the corners of his mouth got swallowed in a frown. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have pushed myself onto you like that. You didn’t deserve it and you didn’t want it.”

Luke takes those few small steps forward, his betraying gaze flickering down to Reggie’s sinful lips and he knows he’s a goner. He was from the start, he’d been a fool trying to convince himself otherwise. 

“But that’s the thing, Reg. I did want it. You would have to be an absolute Saint not to kiss you.” With a quick glance to the heavens Luke takes those last few swift strides towards Reggie, his hands cupping the Peters boy’s face as he reaches him. ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned’. Reggie stumbles a step back into the wooden wall of the fair stall behind him but he sinks into the feeling as Luke’s fingers gently caress the skin of his cheeks and Luke’s mouth envelopes Reggie’s in a tantalizing kiss. If his mouth wasn't otherwise occupied; he would have hissed out obscenities because Reggie’s mouth moved against his as if it was meant for him, as if they were two missing puzzle pieces shifting together to create a masterpiece. Reggie grips desperately at Luke’s shirt, pulling him in, close and thinks if they get any closer they’ll become one. Their tongues are dancing, in a fiery challenge in which they both want each other to win. Luke smiles against Reggie’s mouth, his hands trailing from his cheeks, to his jaw before sliding into the short hairs at the nape of Reggie’s neck. He’s perfect underneath Luke’s wandering fingertips, as if his skin was marble, sculpted by the Gods. Because art, while subjective, was beautiful and striking and it was supposed to make you feel something and by those definitions, Luke couldn’t argue. Reggie Peters was art.

Their kiss has slowed and their inevitable separation looms on Luke’s mind but he doesn’t want to admit it’s over and face the reality that awaits them in the guilt that’s already seeping through. They both know how it ends, their time has been predetermined from the start. Luke holds him tight and kisses Reggie as if he’s breaking his heart. And to some degree, it is breaking. Because Reggie is beginning to pull back and Luke isn’t ready to let go. Because Luke thinks he’d miss Reggie even if they had never met. 

As they slowly pull apart, Luke has to hold back a whimper. Reggie drops his hands from him as if repulsed by the idea of Luke but he knows it's the act and its implications that are what’s eating away at Reggie, they’re nibbling away at him too in the process but he’s less willing to let go. Instead Luke trails his hands from Reggie’s neck to his shoulders onto his chest, tracing and memorizing every bump and crease. Every chiseled crevice, every brushstroke of perfect imperfections. Every feeling of energy is drained from him as he lets go and drops his hands, his shoulder’s sagging as if Reggie has taken it all with his sweeping brush of lips. Luke bends to pick up the bag he had ditched in his haste to meet Reggie’s lips with his own, and with it Luke picks up the reminder of Alex and the weight of what he’s done. 

As Luke straightens and looks to Reggie in a silent asking of ‘what next?’ He finds the other boy is already gone. Luke shifts his gaze to follow the familiar leather jacket. Reggie is walking away without even a glance back at Luke. Aas he walks he visibly hugs himself and Luke knows he’s just as overwhelmed with guilt and self loathing as Luke is in that moment. 

And then he’s left alone. Standing rigid and cold and feeling like all the contents of his stomach are about to travel up his throat and onto the pavement. His gaze flickers to where Reggie’s figure had been but he’s long gone now.

And Luke gets the sinking feeling that Reggie will never need him again and maybe, he never did to begin with.


	5. Five: they never told you the price that you pay, for the things that you might have done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long, I'm in the middle of college essays so it took a bit of time plus this is quite a long chapter. (Apologies to anyone who likes shorter chapters cause apparently I'm incapable of that). I thought this story would be shorter than Reggie's yet somehow it's shaping up to be longer!!
> 
> Anyway this chapter is a sad one, it was already sad but then I was sad so it got amped up to 11! TW: For sadness, Luke having some dark yet not explicit thoughts, underage drinking, vomiting and a panic attack.
> 
> I can't wait to finish this story and get started on Alex's and dive into that fresh perspective and scenes and characters we haven't seen much of before. More info on Alex's story will be in the notes for next chapter!
> 
> Chapter title from 'Only The Good Die Young' by Billy Joel
> 
> Thank you for all your kudos, reads and comments! I appreciate every single one of you and I love hearing your thoughts and feedback!  
> Happy Reading!!

Five: they never told you the price that you pay, for the things that you might have done  
December 2020

He always had the tendency to want something more. He knew it was probably his biggest flaw, or one of many. The world was constantly moving, shifting, always awake, always alive. When you were falling asleep, someone was making their morning coffee. The world was never still, never silent. A thought that once gave him comfort, that had made possibilities seem endless now made him feel suffocated. Feeling like if he stopped for a moment, everything would race past him and he would fall behind, spending forever trying to catch up. So he felt like he had to keep moving; through the tired bones and clouded minds, through the tightening clutch in his chest and the crippling sadness that seeped through his veins. He kept moving, he kept running. He missed the times where he constantly eagerly dreamed of the future, but that future was now his present. He had spent so long looking forward to the future he had missed out on living in those present days that had once been the future he was looking forward to. He was wishing his life away and all he wanted was to rewind the clock, to remember a time where everything wasn’t as dull, as bleak, a time when he was truly okay. People tell you things will get better and you want to believe it too but he didn’t think it was as easy as that. Maybe no, you won’t always feel this way, but that didn’t mean what he felt now was as easy as flipping a switch and believing he was okay, feeling like he was okay. Hopefulness was becoming a foreign concept to him now, the part he hated the most was that he knew he wasn’t the only one thinking or feeling that way yet they all pretended for the sake of each other they were fine. It was bizarre, it was stupid and it was a vicious cycle that every one was too afraid to speak up and break. Because maybe in their own masochistic ways there was comfort in the hurt, in the pain. Luke always had the tendency to want something more. He just wondered when exactly that had shifted from running toward something to him running away from something.

His parents had never fully understood him, that much had been obvious. They were well-meaning, always wanting to protect him, always wanting the best for him but some days he had felt like they spoke different versions of the same language. They communicated but never really understood each other. Luke had thought with the years, they would break out of it; he hadn’t expected it to get worse. His parents acted with good intentions yet poor execution. His parents were protective yet smothering. His parents were always accommodating yet never really nurturing. Everything Luke did wasn’t met with outright dismissal which he knew he had been lucky for at least but that didn’t mean the hesitant, sometimes unwilling support and silent judgement didn’t cut through him with their sharp edges. His parents never really understood him. Luke was stubborn. He was difficult. He was wasting his life away. He was someone his mother didn’t want to be disappointed in anymore. He was an array of disappointing factors that his mother had shouted at him in their living room a mere few weeks ago. Her words were laced with an anger and hurt that had been building up for years, reaching the same broken pitch as the screams Luke had retaliated with. He felt like they were stuck on a rerun of the same old tired bullshit they were always on but Luke was tired, brimming with a despairing feeling of anguish that made his whole body feel submerged, feel like he was drowning. All of her words were loaded ammunition, poisonous darts aimed right at his chest and he felt like he was ripping at seams. As she berated him, he stood there, a lip quivering with the oncoming of a scream, his shoulders tense as he stuffed his few cherished belongings into his backpack listening to the slow tearing away of the stitches he had patched himself up with following their last argument. He feared this time he was beyond repair. He thought of his mother, the person who was supposed to mend his hurt, hug away his sadness, kiss his injuries but when he had looked back to Emily, bleary eyed and teeth bared in defence he didn’t see that woman anymore. Just as his mother wondered when Luke had become a disappointing waste of potential, Luke wondered when she had stopped being his mother. Sure, he wasn’t a kid anymore but growing up he never thought trading in that status meant that your parents traded in theirs too. 

He wasn’t proud of how he’d acted. He felt like he was outside of his body throughout it all. Watching himself from the sidelines, the veins in his neck as he screamed, the tears that clung to his eyelashes as he blinked hard and quickly. He sat on the outskirts of himself and watched as he became a monster, causing destruction in his path. He felt that part of him had been by his side since, telling him of the bad decisions he was making, commentating on his shortcomings but Luke ignored it. He felt like half a person because of it. Luke was stubborn but so was his mother. Luke was difficult but so was his mother. She was disappointed in him and albeit in a different way, he was disappointed in her too. He had let her down but she had let Luke down too. There was a lot that weighed down on Luke in this world, there was a lot that overwhelmed him, that scared him but not music, never music. Throughout everything that flooded his mind and drove him to the brink of anxiety, he always had music, a true constant. It wasn’t possible for him to ever give that up. He knew to anyone else, what he did seemed like madness. Giving up his family for his music. But he had tried for so many years, for so long to make it work but he wasn’t sure he could fix something that was beyond repair. So he left. 

His mother hadn’t let go so easy. In the first few days in the aftermath of their fight, Emily had called him several times. Luke’s pride kept him from ever picking up the call. He had left his house that night in an air of finality, a point of no return yet as the days progressed after his confidence in his decision had begun to get a bit more hazy. He didn’t tell anyone, partly because of his own deliabitating shame of his abandonment and partly because he couldn’t deal with the aftermath of him telling his story, where everyone becomes a therapist, a problem solver. Sometimes it was okay to give no explanation. He didn’t need to explain, or prove or justify himself to anyone so Luke remained silent in his internalised grief. And if Alex noticed how Luke stayed even more nights than usual at the Mercer house, he didn’t mention it. Alex, much like Luke, opted for the silent pondering, falling a victim to his consuming thoughts. Where he would say nothing but his demeanor seeped with his feelings. He was quiet but not unreadable. Luke feared that Alex’s patience was wearing thin with him mostly because he couldn’t even pretend it was his own personal paranoia this time around. Luke had never felt so close yet so far from Alex simultaneously like this before. They were always together but neither were ever really there. They weren’t on the same page anymore, Luke doubted they were even in the same book. Once their stories had been interconnecting, to becoming interwoven, to creating a story of their very own, just for them. But all stories had to end somewhere, right? Luke knew they were heading for their last chapter but neither of them knew how to write the final line yet. 

They had tried many times before throughout the year. There had been something missing for a while and where Luke had once thought it as something of his mind's own creation it soon became apparent that he wasn’t the only one feeling it. The smallest debates turned into arguments, the small instances would turn hostile yet somehow in the end they resolved to forget about it. They had first taken a break that summer, Luke was the one who decided that maybe it was best. Alex hadn’t looked shocked at the suggestion. He had nodded solemnly but with understanding as if he had been debating the idea too, only Luke had been the first to voice it. Days later Luke had heard of Reggie’s new girlfriend Kayla and Luke had felt cold, lonely, broken. Alex hadn’t looked shocked either that night when Luke appeared at his door, instead of questioning him he had pulled him into a desperate kiss. That night as their bodies had moved together, writhing and dancing against Alex’s sheets, Luke had sputtered out a tortured ‘I love you’, expecting to be scolded, he had been surprised as Alex relayed the same sentiment. As they had stared into each other’s tearful eyes, neither dared mention what it all meant. He was sure neither of them knew. Because Luke really did love him, he just wasn’t sure if it was in the way he was supposed to anymore. 

The second time, it was Alex who had tried to end it, drunk on Halloween and slurring his words as he accused Luke of flirting with a girl dressed as ‘Oops I Did It Again’ Britney Spears. Luke had calmed him down and Alex had been quick to revoke his earlier statements falling into his arms and kissing him with despairing starvation. As Luke lay with him that night, making sure the blonde boy had water and aspirin, he had felt sick because while it was untrue at the time, Alex’s accusations weren’t founded out of nothing. Luke’s infidelity had filled him with a simmering, scalding guilt. Luke thought he could be a convincing actor, he had even convinced himself to forget about his adultery, his searing act of betrayal. And then he had wished that he did let Alex break up with him that night, that he made him believe his accusations because Luke knew he wasn’t brave enough to do that all by himself. Because underneath their kisses, their fights, their nights of both, Luke and Alex were lost. They were trying to find themselves and their place in the world and in an existence full of uncertainties and overwhelming unknowns, they had safety and familiarity in each other. So they clung to that, more tightly that they should have. Once their love had been an exclamation mark, it was ecstatic, bold, big and even obnoxious at times but somewhere along the lines it had become something akin to a semicolon. Where the author could have ended their sentence yet they chose not to. Luke was preparing himself for the day where they’d become a full stop, because he knew somewhere, some day it was coming. 

Luke had become a juxtaposition of himself. He used to be so hung up on the future, on where it was he was heading, where he was destined for. But nowadays, Luke was consumed by the past. He moved from fond memories to the ones he wished he could forget. Because as hard as he tried to carry on, acting like what had happened the previous December wasn’t something worth dwelling on, he couldn’t go a day without the forbidden memory filtering into his mind and the phantom feeling sinking into his bones. So much had been twisting and taking wrong turns in Luke’s life that sometimes the fact that Reggie hadn’t only remembered him, but had feelings for him got caught in the crossfire. Yet the way Reggie always kept him at arm's length and never dared spend time alone with him anymore made Luke’s stomach curl with acidic bubbling. The boy who had clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him from crumbling and kissed him like he was breathing life into him now couldn’t even meet his eyes. The weight of Luke’s fucked up decision pressed down on his shoulders, heavy and Luke was waiting for his bones to break with the feeling of it all. For every hurt feeling he had over Reggie, he had a hundred more for Alex. Luke was guilty, undeserving and selfish because as much as he knew he deserved Reggie and Alex’s hate and how much he knew that he deserved to be alone he couldn’t bring himself to tear away from Alex. At least not for long. Because having them, even when they were at their worst was better, easier than being alone again.

Luke didn’t let himself think about Reggie when he was with Alex as if the blonde boy could read his mind. He hated that the thought of him, felt just as sinful, as taboo as the betrayal he had actually committed. So Luke went somewhere, where his mind was free to run and ramble and try to make sense of everything Luke could no longer control. He went to the bus stop. Where he’d sit for hours, watching as buses shot past or stopped but he never moved from his spot on the bench. He dwells on the past, replays memories, specifically of that day all those years ago when he had first seen him, once on the street, twice at the bus stop and three times a year later. He counts them all, all the times he laid eyes on Reggie and was left completely breathless. And it’s one, two, three, four times, he begins to count on his fingers but the number well surpasses all that he has. He thinks about that first day, if he could relive it, how would he do it differently. Would he get on the bus without a second thought? Would he stare at him through a foggy city bus window and just will himself to forget him? Would he keep his eyes closed, keep singing and never see the other boy’s green eyes on him? Would he just stay away from that bus stop altogether? If they never saw each other then, would they have met again somewhere else? He sits at that bus shelter and thinks how in all the other universes, how all the other Lukes took one of those options and he tries to envision how the world’s working out for them at present. A bus rolls up to the stop and Luke just gazes at it absentmindedly. He doesn’t know what bus it is or where it’s going but for the briefest of moments he thinks about getting on it and just disappearing. He’s sure somewhere, some other Luke does. Luke number 1912 doesn’t. 

It’s the middle of the night before he returns back to Alex’s house. He slips in through the window, like he’s done many nights before. Alex doesn’t say anything. Luke knows he’s awake but the boy makes no sounds, no remarks even as Luke slips into the bed beside him. Alex only turns away on his side, Luke tilts his head to gaze at his taut back, tense shoulders. Usually he would reach out, hold him close but Alex is enamanting a coldness that chills Luke’s bones and he has to glance back at the window to make sure he didn’t leave it open. Luke mirrors his movement, turning away on his side too. Facing away from each other, inches between them, all Luke knows is the dread that impregnates the air between them. He isn’t sure when he falls asleep or if he even does, he is not sure Alex sleeps either. 

He doesn’t say anything to Luke until morning. When Alex rises, it's still earlier, still dark out but he paces around the room picking up pieces of clothing and getting dressed as fast as physically possible. With his quick movements, Luke is assured Alex hadn’t slept. He moves like his mind is whirling and his body moves in step to keep up with it. Luke twists over onto his back with a huff. He feels stuck, helpless as he lies there while Alex is miles away trapped in his own head. The blonde pulls his t-shirt over his head, as it falls into place his eyes meet Luke’s through the smudged mirror and he sighs. Luke is quick to drop his gaze. 

“You can’t keep doing that.” Alex’s voice is slow and cautious. He’s choosing his words carefully and Luke is surprised. He would have thought Alex had spent the whole night writing up a mental script of this conversation in his head. Luke’s eyes drifted up to the white ceiling of Alex’s bedroom. Not a speck of dirt, bump or crease out of place. He knew no one was perfect and Alex was far from but Luke felt unrefined in his presence. Where Luke’s jokes and carefree attitudes used to be something Alex found exciting and endearing now visibly bothered him to no end. Alex was polished and poised and Luke was just some kid that had overstayed his welcome. 

Alex seemed to notice Luke hadn’t been listening and sighed again. The familiar sound was now forever etched in Luke’s brain, a reminder of what a nuisance he had become. Alex twisted around at his desk, perched on the side and turning to Luke. “You can’t just come and go as you please at all hours and not even say where you’re going.” 

Luke keeps his eyes on the ceiling, hoping if he stared at it long enough he could find a flaw. He’s quick to mumble out a defence. “I wasn’t with anyone.” 

“That wasn’t what I was saying.” Alex’s shoulders sag and he resists the urge to sigh again. Luke isn’t even looking at the boy but he can tell his whole body is begging to exhale deeply. Luke finally looks to the blonde boy. Alex’s eyes are on the wooden desk, fingers playing with a chipped edge of the table. He pulls his fingers away from the furniture quickly and Luke wonders if he’s gotten a splinter. Luke keeps his eyes on Alex, hoping if he stared long enough he could find a flaw.

“Isn’t it though?” Luke retaliates, his tone lacks the bite that his words are insinuating. Alex’s eyes of blueish-green look up to him and Luke almost drowns in the silent sadness that lingers within. Alex blinks fast and the look freezes over, he’s grown cold, his guard is up. 

“Well how am I supposed to know anything when you won’t talk to me about it. You won’t tell me.” Alex’s voice raises an octave but he swiftly composes himself, remembering that his mother and sister are still probably fast asleep. His voice grows smaller, muttering to himself. “You won’t let me in.”

“That’s rich.” Luke mutters back, sitting up. Luke knew he was wrong for never letting Alex into his thoughts, into the plague that darkened his mind yet he was afraid. Because Luke knew the darkest parts of himself and he didn’t like what he saw. He didn’t want Alex to see that. He feared Alex would never want anything to do with him ever again if he did. But in turn, Alex never let Luke into his life, into his thoughts. He showed him what he wanted him to see and not much else. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex bites back. Luke’s sure he already knows the answer. Alex and his family would be leaving in a few days to a ski resort and he knew Alex had lost all enthusiasm once his mother had told him that the trip was a chance for Alex and Alice to spend time with Mrs. Mercer’s new boyfriend. He knew Alex wasn’t fond of the idea. He was still healing from everything that had happened with his own father, having a new male influence in his life was undoubtedly scaring him. The thought of the trip was eating away at Alex yet he would never tell Luke that. No, Luke had to sit on the sidelines, in the dark and make up his own understanding of the story for himself. Alex scoffs when Luke doesn’t reply immediately, pushing off the desk. “This isn’t some game. I withhold something from you and you withhold something from me so we’re even? Do you not see how stupid that is?” 

“Lex, I don’t tell you everything and you don’t tell me everything. It’s always been like that. This isn’t something new, so we don’t have to act surprised.” It’s Luke’s turn to sigh. From the bedside table his phone chirps. Without moving closer, he glances quickly at the screen. Caleb. Luke hadn’t been in contact with anyone since the fight. Not his parents, not Caleb, he hadn’t even showed up to work all the days he’d been scheduled since. He knew even Caleb was getting worried at this point. 

“Luke, you don’t do anything anymore. You lie around here all day and never go home. I don’t know that last time you even went to work. I don’t know what is w-”

“Jesus, Alex, I don’t need you psychoanalyse my every move, okay?” Luke falls back onto the bed with a huff. His body bounces against the mattress but his bones feel like they’re made of lead. He finds he’d be perfectly fine with never moving again. Alex stays silent yet Luke’s body crawls with the palpable tension between the pair. He’s afraid to even look to the Mercer boy. 

“I...I can’t do this today.” Alex mumbles, exasperated. He pinches the bridge of his nose before he’s moving quickly and grabbing his phone and bag from the desk. Luke’s gaze returns to the blinding white ceiling, afraid to look anywhere else. “I’m going to the Molina’s to help set up for the party tonight. I’ll be back later and maybe by then you can get your shit together long enough to actually show up tonight.” 

Alex shuts the door behind him gently but Luke knows he wishes for nothing more than to slam it in finality. Even with Alex gone, Luke still doesn’t look away from the ceiling. His body feels rigid, as if he’s being held down by invisible hands. Pressing against his limbs, his wrists, his throat to keep him contained. He wants to thrash around wildly against the bed covers, to fight against them. He doesn’t move. His mind feels constricted, as if his brain is stuck in a sickeningly tight clutch, he feels it pounding against his skull. His head is flooded with a blood curdling scream yet he can’t seem to force it out of his mind and onto his tongue. He opens his mouth wide and tries, all that comes out is a pitiful gasp of broken air. He wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants an outlet to filter out everything that has been drowning him for weeks, months, years. He doesn’t. 

It isn’t until after noon that he leaves the bed. He doesn’t sleep in all that time, he doesn’t move, he just lies there and lets his mind ramble, rift, ruminate. He doesn’t feel anymore enlightened by the time he’s able to lift his dead weight off the mattress. He waits until he’s sure all the Mercer’s are out of the house before he drags himself to the bathroom to shower. The water scorches his skin and paints it crimson, he can’t find it in himself to care much about it. Eventually he leaves the house. The day is dull and he isn’t sure if he should feel comfort in the fact the universe seems to be aligning itself with him. He ambles about in an attempt to clear his head but all he ends up thinking about is where did the idea that walking around in fresh air stemmed from and how it became a viable way to make sense of yourself. He doesn’t see the correlation. At some point he had taken a turn and not paid an ounce of attention, not until he was standing before his house. The lights off and cars are gone for the day. He still finds himself hiding between the trees on the outskirts of the garden. He doesn’t feel like he should be back here, like he was unwelcome, like he was trespassing. With a quick glance towards the front door, he moves to round the house. He tries to not look as suspicious as the act itself feels. Before him, stands the strong oak, its bark darkening and wet with the night's rain. He lets his hand drift along its body, his fingertips trailing around the small wooden steps up the treehouse that he had drilled into its structures all those years ago. He thinks it still should be able to hold him. He pulls his body up along the wood, damp leaves tickling his arms as he does so. When he reaches the familiar foundation of his old treehouse, he steps in gingerly. Shifting over to the open entrance closer to his bedroom window, Luke finds himself falling back against the old wood, hiding behind the slim walls of the treehouse after a quick glance.

It couldn’t be. He thinks. He was sure the cars were gone and no one home. His body tense and eyes wide, Luke moves to peek from behind the wooden wall of his treehouse, catching a glimpse at the same sight again. Because through the glass of his bedroom bay window was Emily, sitting in his dark, dull room. Her hands curled in his bed sheets as she sat on the edge with her head down and body shaking. She was crying, he noticed with a tight pinch to his heart. She was crying and he was the cause. Emily began to look up and Luke moved quickly, hiding behind the shield of his wooden fortress. His heart pounded so hard against his chest he thought it might crack. The weight of every decision he had ever made, pressed down on him and he was left a quivering mess beneath them. There’s a pressure building up inside him, it’s been reaching a fever pitch for months and he’s lost. He hates feeling like he’s bursting at the seams, always moments away from explosion yet the moment never comes and he never gets the release that would come with it. Instead, he stays like that always, on the brink of rupture, of insanity. He wants to thrash and scream, he wants to shatter himself into a million pieces and start again, to build himself back up into a version of himself that resembles normality and peace again. He doesn’t. He wants so much but everything seems so out of reach. 

As he sits there in a structure from his childhood, he can’t help but think of younger Luke. How simple it had all been back then. How wide eyed and optimistic he had been as a kid. He imagines a kid with unruly hair and missing front teeth, all gums yet his smile is sparkling even in the absence of teeth. He sits in the corner of the treehouse, a guitar two sizes too big for him and he fumbles and messes up his chords but his smile remains. There’s joy in the journey, getting it wrong a million times to finally get it right. He exhales, it whistles through the gaps in his teeth and tries again. Clutching the neck of the guitar he presses down hard, strums, he switches a finger, transitions the chord, strums again and he’s beaming. He got it right. The kid looks up and Luke could swear his younger self is staring right at him, with an ecstatic grin and a giggle on his lips. Luke remembers that day. How right after he had ran inside, wild and proud to tell Emily what he had accomplished. She didn’t quite understand but she kissed his cheek and congratulated him and Luke beamed proudly, grinning even as he drifted off to sleep that night. Luke blinked hard, a tear seeped from between his eyelashes and trickled down his cheek. When he opened his eyes again, the boy was gone and Luke was alone with his memories. He didn’t dare chance a peek back to his bedroom window to see if his mother was still there. His body shook, wracked with sobs and he wanted nothing more than to let every tear fall from his eyes in a desperate, long overdue cry. So he does. 

🎸

Alex had been home when Luke returned. If he noticed his reddened, tired eyes he didn’t mention it but Luke was sure he had noticed in the way his defensive demeanor fell apart a moment after looking at his boyfriend. Luke felt like he had opened up a floodgate and as he apologised to Alex for that morning’s conversation and got wrapped up in the drummer’s strong arms, he tried to keep himself from sobbing profusely. He had lost Alex amongst the rush of the Molina’s annual Christmas party after less than a half hour after arriving and Luke tried to ignore the growing ball that had settled in the middle of chest. He didn’t want to be alone yet the thought of being around all these people was making something twist and curl inside him just behind his rib cage. Passing through the laughing and jesting guests, Luke felt like he was stumbling through a maze. Eventually, he had found himself in the calmer kitchen to get a drink yet his sigh of relief got caught in his throat as his gaze fell on the girl standing over the punchbowl serving drinks. With her crimson red dress clinging to her body, her hair pulled into a tight, high ponytail there didn’t seem to be a detail out of place and Luke hated that fact. Kayla spotted him across the room and he noticed the quick moment of hesitancy, blink and you miss it, before she plastered a large grin onto her red lips.

“Luke, you made it! I just saw Alex.” Kayla waved him over as if they were the best of friends yet it was apparent her tone was missing the warm greeting her expression conveyed. He had always known even from the briefest of moments that he had spent time with the girl, that she didn’t care for him very much. He knew it was doubtful that Reggie had ever told her the true nature of their friendship, relationship, whatever it was, but Kayla always treated him as if she knew every detail. Luke slowly ambled towards the girl, hoping he looked more casual and unaffected by her presence than he was. Kayla’s smile stayed in place, it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Do you want a drink?” 

“Yeah, that would be great.” Luke beamed back, much less concerned if it was coming off forced and fake. Kayla’s own smile, twitched at the expression as she looked away to pour him a cup. Luke glanced around the room and pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “So where’s Reg?”

He noticed the girl visibly freeze from working for a moment at his words. As she resumed, she only mumbled. “He’s around.” 

Luke laughed at her answer, more obnoxious than it needed to be but there was no humour to it. Luke continued to glance around at the guests as he chuckled out his words. “Gee, that really narrows it down.”

His drink was slammed in front of him on the counter, making his attention swerve back to the girl. Kayla was watching him with examining eyes and he raised an eyebrow under her cold stare trying to appear as unaffected as he possibly could. “What do you want with him anyway?”

Luke raised an eyebrow at her accusing tone, feigning surprised ignorance. “What? I can’t hang out with my good buddy for awhile?” 

“You’re not fooling me, okay. You and Reg barely hang out.” Kayla’s voice sounded momentarily tired and for a second Luke let himself feel guilty for the annoyance he caused with his joking demeanor. He seemed to be doing that to a lot of people lately. Kayla sighed, combing back wisps of her hair that broke free around her ponytail. “Maybe it’s best if you leave him alone tonight.”

Luke hadn’t even seen the Peters boy since he arrived but if his manner mirrored any of what Kayla was emanating right now, he could only guess Reggie was looking just as tired. He had no control over the worry that flooded from him as he asked, “What’s wrong with him? Is he okay?”

“It’s none of your business, okay? Just leave him alone, he doesn’t need to deal with that, with you.” Kayla snapped back quick and Luke almost got whiplash from the whole ordeal. He was taken aback, gazing at the smaller girl with wide eyes. Hers only narrowed at him and with her brown eyes peering at him in close examination he wondered if she could see into the depths of his broken soul and darkened thoughts. Maybe he didn’t give Kayla enough credit, maybe she was more perceptive than any of them believed. Her voice dropped an octave, hissing. “With all the shit that’s been going on with you and Alex, are you even sure Alex wants you here tonight?”

Luke’s body grew rigid, he hoped it wasn’t as obviously apparent but a sickening twist overtook Kayla’s lips into a smirk and she knew she had struck a nerve within him. She had hit on a thought he had been asking himself all night. He’s asked himself the same question for a long time now. Are you even sure Alex wants you here?

“Don’t act like you know shit about me, or my relationships with Alex or Reggie? You don’t know us like that and have no right.” Luke bit back. He wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of knowing how much within him she had just pierced and stung with her words. Instead, he built his wall up, an intrudable force and he played defence. 

Kayla’s smirk remained despite it all. She raised her hands in surrender yet nothing about the smug twisting smile on her face told him she thought she had lost this conversation. “Fine, maybe I don’t know about you and Alex but I know Reggie.”

Luke’s eyes fell, breaking their contact with Kayla’s for a moment and he cursed himself. He hated the part of him that thought maybe she was right, maybe she did know him. Better than Luke ever possibly could. He gave up that possibility upon his moment of weakness last December. He doesn’t bother to raise his gaze as she speaks again. “He’s my boyfriend, I know what’s best for him. I know him.” 

He isn’t given the time to argue as a light voice from the hallway is calling to his sparring partner. Julie smiles between the two bashfully, realising she had intruded on something. “Sorry but Kayla, can I get your help for a minute?” 

Kayla is stepping away from the counter, letting out a cheery ‘of course’ as she does so. Smile beaming and voice sickly sweet. Luke almost chokes on it in irritation. Julie turns away and walks back out to the hallway expecting Kayla to follow. Luke think’s of her words and the more he mulls them over, his own smug smirk trinkles onto his thin lips because Luke had half the mind to think Kayla was threatened by him. If she was really so secure in her own words, Luke wondered with a chuckle, she wouldn’t mind him testing them. At the sound of his laugh, Kayla peered over her shoulder as she left the room, her smile fading. Luke met her gaze with his own growing grin, tilting his head and raising his glass to her in salute before knocking back the remnants of his glass in one swift gulp. She leaves without another word, another look. Kayla’s words sounded like a challenge. And Luke Patterson never backed down from a challenge.

🎸

Luke finds Alex in the living room a little while later after Luke has consumed numerous other drinks in Kayla’s absence from the drink table. His body feels light and warm and there's a welcome tingle in his head as he plops himself down beside Alex on one of the many couches arranged in a square in the living room. Alex immediately wraps an arm around his waist and Luke’s skin rises with bumps prickling the surface at the simple touch. He’s missed being in Alex’s arms. It doesn’t happen very often anymore. He isn’t sure why he’s doing it now, if it’s for a presentation around their peers or if Luke’s emotional state from earlier is still weighing down on Alex’s mind and he feels the need to reassure him of some kind of comfort. He’s not sure which one it is. It doesn’t occur to him to mind. They chat idly in their group, Luke stays silent for the majority of it. Body there amongst the gang but his mind feels light years away. He plays with the glass in his hands watching the liquid sloshing against the glass and Luke clenches his stomach, feeling the same way. Julie’s chipper voice joins the group again and Luke is quick to look up at Reggie’s name. 

He finds him sitting directly across from him and Alex. Reggie’s quick to look away when Luke raises his gaze but not quick enough, Luke still catches him. Kayla snakes an arm around Reggie’s and a scorching distaste snakes its way around Luke. He’s still playing with the glass while the others debate what game to play. He tries to not just hurl back the whole thing in one go and excuse himself to get another drink. Reggie gazes up at Julie as she speaks and explains their game, a riveting game of questions and answers. He watches her with false attentiveness and Luke knows his mind is elsewhere. Luke’s sickening narcissist is praying that it’s on him. He knows Reggie’s aware, that he can feel his gaze and is willing himself to not look away from Julie. Reggie’s eyes fall to the carpet right by Luke’s feet and he knows Reggie’s losing his battle with himself, losing his will to keep his eyes off Luke. Luke is silently begging for him to look up, give him any sign of recognition, attention, literally anything that isn’t avoidance. Kayla rubs her hands against Reggie’s arm but the boy doesn’t look, doesn’t even move, Luke’s sure he has even realised that she’s touching him. Luke smirks to himself and the game is starting and much to his dismay, everyone’s attention is shifted elsewhere. 

Luke gets his question on Alex right, he hadn’t really doubted it. When it’s Kayla’s turn, Julie asks her question. “Who is Reggie’s favourite artist? And the first person’s songs he learned to play on bass?” 

Luke’s body is buzzing and the words are on the tip of his tongue just begging to be spoken into existence. He has to bite his cheek to keep himself contained. He watches as Reggie watches his girlfriend wide eyed but she looks nothing short of perplexed. She doesn’t know and Luke is positively delighted. 

“Billy Joel.” He doesn’t even realise it was his voice until everyone is gazing at him. Julie tries to laugh off his intrusion as if it's no big deal and to most people maybe it wasn’t but he can’t look away from Reggie’s shocked green eyes on him. Luke’s whole body is alive with the sensation of his unwavering gaze on him. It’s probably the longest Reggie has looked at him in quite a lengthy amount of time. He could have swore right there, Luke would have done anything to keep Reggie’s attention on him.

“He always talks about him, I thought it would be obvious, sorry.” He brushes off with a shrug. It seems to convince most people to move on. Luke gazes away from Reggie and meets Kayla’s shy eyes, she’s not as brave now. His words are spoken just for her. It takes everything in him to not spit back her sentiments to her. ‘I know what’s best for him. I know him.’ You were saying? Alex nudges his side hard with his pointy elbow, and Luke flicks his gaze to him. He’s giving him a scolding glare and Luke knows he should feel like a child but he can’t get over the sick pleasure of taking Kayla down a notch. He looks away from Alex, he doesn’t care. He hates that he doesn’t care. 

The night continues on and every time Kayla fails, Luke’s grin grows larger. He doesn’t know when it changed, his aim was no longer showing up Kayla and proving his own worth to himself. But then it shifted, he began to mouth the answers, subtly or not he wasn’t sure but the only person’s eyes that were glued to him as he did was Reggie. Reggie seems shaken to his core from the intimate act of it all and Luke’s skin is crawling with the Peters boy’s gaze on him. The game finally comes to an end and Luke is thankful. He feels impressed with himself, sitting back as if without a care in the world, he doesn’t dare dwell on how that’s actually the very opposite. Reggie stands with a quick glance at Luke and Luke knows now the spell is broken between them and Reggie isn’t impressed and Luke grows cold. Once Kayla and Reggie have left, Luke hadn’t even noticed he was watching their retreating figures with a fastened gaze over Alex’s shoulder.

“Luke.” The voice is small but firm and Luke moves his gaze a few inches to meet Alex’s. He’s been studying him and Luke knows there’s no hiding anymore. There’s a lot swimming around in the haze of Alex’s aquamarine eyes but he knows for sure there’s something new there. A realisation. An understanding. He doesn’t look mad, he doesn’t even look sad. He just looks resigned to the information, to their fate. Luke’s not sure he can deal with that right now. Not now. Not here. Instead, he holds his glass with an iron fist and knocks the liquid back into his mouth. He gulps it down in one go, the burning liquid travels down his throat smooth but leaves a scorching trail in its wake. 

“I’m gonna get another.” He croaks out quickly, pushing himself up from the couch and Alex calls his name again but he doesn’t dare stop, doesn’t dare look back. Luke used to be hell bent on running towards something, now it feels he’s only ever running away. Maybe he always had been but reality was only beginning to set in. He was about to head to the kitchen but remembering that’s where Reggie and Kayla had just headed, he retreats. Through the smallest of slivers within the open archway, he can feel Reggie’s eyes on him and Luke turns away, heading for the stairs. When he reaches the top hallway he only waits in the dim lighting for a brief few moments before he hears the pitter patter of footsteps trailing up the stairs behind him. He has one guess of who it could be. He’s correct.

“You stalking me now, Peters?” Luke’s voice floods his mouth at the sight of the Peters boy but his words don’t feel like his own. Reggie watches him with narrowed eyes, taking in Luke’s teasing smirk. He had spent so much time away from Reggie in the past year he always wondered if the boy had changed, Luke didn’t dare think about how much he had. 

“Where do you get off acting like what you just did was okay?” Reggie’s voice is accusing and hostile, Luke can’t find it in himself to be hurt at the sound of it. He deserves it. He knows he should stand down, apologise, brush this past them so they can move on and back to avoiding each other. Luke doesn’t want that though. This is the most interaction he’s had with Reggie in months. He would rather have him here, mad at him, than not have him at all.

“And what did I just do?” Luke’s grin remains in place after he speaks. It feels sticky and gross, tugging at his unwillingly lips forcefully. It feels out of place and sickeningly wrong. Despite this, it remains. He leans his head down slightly, dipping to catch a glimpse of Reggie. The boy before him frowns and Luke’s heart cracks yet his forced smile grows.

“You know exactly what. You were a dick, you upset Kayla out of pure spite. You embarrassed yourself.” Reggie snaps quickly. He bites his bottom lip after he speaks as if wishing he could have contained himself. Luke pushes back again, still leaning against the wall. He was sure he wouldn’t have been able to remain standing without it there supporting him.

“She’s just being sensitive. It’s a game.” Luke reasoned, no matter how illogical his reason was. He tried to remain lax, unmoved. Reggie pouts at his words, his whole face tensing as if he’s biting back his words again. Luke wants to tell him to spit them out, to shout at him, curse him, to just tell him everything that had been clouding his mind. He hates how collected Reggie is remaining through it all. 

“Yeah and you used to be sensitive too, what changed? This isn’t you.” Reggie folds his arms across his chest. Luke sees it as a boulder, a wall, a move to protect the organ just behind them, to keep Luke out. Reggie refuses to look away from him and Luke refuses to meet his eyes. He wonders that most days. When did it all change? When did they become different people? He knew when. They both did.

“You know what.” He finally raised his gaze to Reggie’s, building an intense, almost unbreakable connection between them. Reggie’s gaze wavered. In every speck of golden yellow that blended into his sorrowful hazel eyes, Luke tried to convey everything that had held his mind hostage for months on end, everything that he wanted to communicate even though words eluded him. He wants Reggie to know how much he means. He wants to tell him that he’s the one who hears him when he can’t speak, he wants to tell him that he’s the one who sees him even when he tries to hide. He wants to tell him that he’s the one who understands him even when he feels like his own perplexing riddle. 

“Well, this isn’t a game. There’s no winners this time, only losers.” Reggie’s words are harsh, a wake up call yet his voice is calm, small. His eyes trail along Luke’s face, leaving a warmth in its wake and Luke feels like Reggie is finally seeing him for the first time in a long time. Luke wanted to reach out, any attempt to garner comfort, any reminder that even when it felt like it, he wasn’t the only human out there, he wasn’t alone. He keeps his hands to himself and witnesses Reggie’s flash of a frown when he says, “You can’t keep acting this way towards people. Especially those who care about you.”

Luke looks away, he can’t keep his gaze anymore. He stares at the brown hallway carpet instead and thinks of all his actions from that past night. He wishes he could say that was the beginning and last of it but he knew there was no point lying to himself. Luke had been hurting people he cared about for much longer. He was close to thinking it was just about a personality trait at this point. Reggie was right, he did change. And Luke didn’t like who he had become. So with a cautious, small glance as the Peters boy, Luke asked in a broken whisper. “And what happens if I can’t stop?”

Reggie watched him with sad eyes. Reggie’s look was cementing everything Luke had already been thinking. Although he had hoped to some degree he had been wrong. Reggie sighed, a pitiful, resigned sound that made it seem like he wished it didn’t have to be this way.”You’ll end up alone.”

And there it was. Every crushing fear Luke had been trying to reject for months staring at him in the face. Reggie looks like he wishes that he didn’t have to say it, that he didn’t have to be the one to tell him. Raising a cautious hand, Luke watches Reggie closely, registering if he’s allowed to continue. Instead Reggie meets his eye and doesn’t move. Luke’s hand gently cups the other boy's crimson cheek, the hot skin comforting underneath his fingertips. He likes to think of what if, think about redos, think about how other Reggies and Lukes dealt with the situation. Most of the time, he wishes he didn’t think at all. His eyes close quickly before he can let a tear spill, before he can let Reggie see. Because if he didn’t change the way he was, he would end up alone. But that was the thing, he had lost so much already and he had the feeling that before the night was out, he’d lose hell of a lot more. Luke felt like he started with nothing and maybe that’s what he deserved to end up with too. Something clicks inside Luke, or cracks, he isn’t sure which. But he feels himself reset, his tears have frozen over. He opens his eyes again, Reggie is there, eyes on him but Luke looks through him. Dropping his hand and pulling back quick. This felt like a breaking point, a goodbye, a painful separation. Was it possible to break up with someone who was never yours to begin with? 

He wished everything he felt was fake but standing there half a man, half a heart, it hurt like it was real. So he tries to move away, move on. He could never say anything to make these past few years right, make them okay, make them hurt less. He doesn’t think there’s anything he could ever say, yet despite this he can’t help the part of him that just wants him to know. So he leaves, with one last choked out sob he’s not sure Reggie can even decipher.

“I’m sorry.” 

🎸

Somehow Luke feels more sober than he had all night as he ambles around the driveway to the Molina’s house. People have begun to travel through the garden towards where Julie is about to perform but Luke maintains a distance. He had moved through the house and out the door after his parting words to Reggie upstairs but he felt like he was on autopilot. His body didn’t feel like it was his own. It felt like a cage. It was a heavy weighted casing and somewhere underneath it all was Luke, fragile bones and pulsing, tiring thoughts. His head falls back on his shoulders, staring up at the darkened night sky, up to oblivion. Behind the smallest of stars, there was so much more. So much more than the world, than the country, than Los Angeles, much more than Luke. He really wasn’t anything of consequence, of significance in this universe. It was a conflicting thought. On one hand it made him and his problems seem small, yes they were big and all encompassing to him in the moment but would they always be? Although on the other hand, if he was really as small and unimportant as he felt, he was something that could easily get lost in this life. Would anyone even notice? Luke blinks and looks away, cursing his thoughts. He wishes there was a way to get your brain to take a day off. Luke could tire himself out, exhaust his own body to no end yet his mind was constantly moving. There was nothing he could do to ever turn it off, if only for the shortest of breaks. He isn’t sure how long he stays in the one spot until Julie’s voice filters into his ears from across the garden and he finds himself moving.

He moves closer, each note lifting his spirit even if only slightly. He travelled down the steps, stopping himself a few steps from the top of the garden not wanting to get submerged in the growing crowd outside the garage door. As he listened, Luke’s gaze danced along the crowd, all eyes trained on the powerhouse that was Julie Molina, all but one. Within the crowd there was one dreamer, who instead had his eyes gazing at the heavens above and a hopeful smile on his lips. A sliver of a smile tugged at Luke’s own lips as he stared at the boy. Reggie Peters was something else. Slowly Reggie began to lower his gaze, looking around the crowd and freezing when he found Luke across the garden. Luke wanted to laugh, as they stared at each other across a distance and Luke reminisced about a similar time that day at the bus stop. Julie continues to flood the air with her gentle yet strong voice but once again, all he sees is him. Luke reminds himself to add this to the list of times he’s seen Reggie Peters and has been left absolutely breathless. This time, it’s bittersweet. Because the first time, it seemed like a possibility, the start of something new. It was exciting and exhilarating but as they gaze at each other now, Luke is filled with all consuming love for the boy but it feels melancholic. Because this time, it feels final, it feels like goodbye. And as Julie continues, Luke knows that with some solemn, parting sentiment he needs to let Reggie know, all that he feels for him.

“Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it.” Luke mouths the words, knowing what’s coming next and with Reggie’s eyes still on him, he wants him to know. He sings the words delicately to himself, his voice quiet and small so no one around him hears. So no one hears as his voice breaks as he sings. “With a note saying ‘I love you’, I meant it.”

He knows the other boy, even from where he stands can understand him, what he’s singing, what his unwavering gaze and mouthed words are insinuating. Reggie’s lips fall open in realisation and Luke thinks it might be the cutest thing he’s ever seen. It hurts. Luke doesn’t get time to dwell on it because there’s a cough followed by a tense voice behind him.

“If you don’t run away from me first this time, can we talk?” Luke whirls around on his heel and wills himself to forget about the boy he’s turning his back on as he hears Alex’s tired yet stern voice. Luke wonders if he had seen the distanced interaction but Alex doesn’t look to Reggie, he doesn’t even look beyond Luke.

Luke shoves his sweaty palms into the pockets of his jeans, folding in on himself slightly as he asks. “Talk or argue?” 

“No, not argue. Not this time.” Alex stands tall, strong but Luke can tell it’s a façade. He’s feigning a strength that he knows neither of them are ready to possess during the conversation they’re about to have. They’ve been here many times before but Luke knows from the darkest places inside him that this is the last time. They knew this is where they were heading, they’ve been heading here for a long time. “Just talking. Promise.”

Luke nods his head, it’s a slow movement and he whispers, “Okay. Promise.” 

Alex gives him a sad smile and nods his head up towards the Molina house, telling Luke to follow him. Without a look back at the crowd, at Reggie, Luke follows quietly. As they make their way through the front door of the quieter house, Alex moves quick, steps before Luke. To anyone else, Luke is sure it looks obvious what state they’re in. Alex is tense, his shoulders tight and he walks without a glance back at Luke. Luke follows with his head down and body small. Luke can feel Bobby’s eyes on him through the archway of the dining room, Luke doesn’t meet his eye. He just follows Alex up the stairs and into Reggie’s bedroom. He curses the fact that of course this is the place they had to do this. Luke walks in while Alex waits at the door, ready to close it behind him. Luke doesn’t meet his eye, he’s too afraid to turn around and start this conversation and make it real. They’ve had this conversation many times already and have thought about it themselves a hundred times before but this time it feels different and Luke knows its cause by the time he leaves tonight, everything will really be changed. Luke moves over to Reggie’s desk, to where random objects are scattered among its surface. His gaze trails up to his shelves where various photos and polaroids are stuck to the wooden structure with pins. His hazel eyes landed on a small polaroid of the boys when they had traded places one day as a joke. Luke sitting at Alex’s drums with sticks in hand and the boy’s pink hoodie covering his torso, Alex with Reggie’s red bass hanging over his neck and his red flannel wrapped around his waist and then finally Reggie with Luke’s guitar in hand, orange beanie on his head and the sleeves of his t-shirt pushed up past his shoulders. They all have wide grins beaming at the camera, they were all happy. That was a long time ago now. Luke’s gaze leaves the picture and is trailing along the books on Reggie’s shelf when Alex’s voice makes him swing around and face the blonde.

“I know that we…” Alex breathes, his words trembling slightly. “I know that we’ve tried this so many times before that even now it doesn’t feel real.” 

Luke leans against the wooden desk, and his eyes fall from Alex to the carpeted floor. His arms fold over his chest but it feels more like he’s hugging himself, it brings him some small sliver of comfort. The slam of the bathroom door a few doors down, seems to wake Alex from his momentary pause and he looks up to Luke again as he speaks. “Some part of me still doesn’t trust us. That we’ll be back where we started again in a few days. But maybe that’s why now is best. I’ll be gone for awhile over the holidays, we’ll be away. We won’t be tempted.” 

Luke nods, it makes sense. He still can’t bring himself to raise his gaze yet. He wished he felt more right now, maybe it’s what Alex has said. They’ve broken up times before, so much so that they’re not sure if they can trust themselves to make this one final. Despite it all Luke wishes he felt more than numb. Alex’s hands fiddle as if they stay in silence, he’s waiting for Luke. With a fond smile on his lips, he looks at Alex. “We were so young when we started. It was exciting, so new, it felt like…”

“It felt like we’d do anything to feel that way forever?” Alex asks and Luke wonders if the blonde can really read his mind. No, he just knows Luke. For every misgiving their relationship had at the end, they still understood each other. There was still the reminder of all that was good.

“Even when that feeling is long gone and we’re holding on just for the hell of it.” Luke continues and he sees himself in Alex. They had become shadows of the people they were when they had first gotten together because that’s who they fell in love with yet they were no longer those people. The love was still there, that, Luke was sure of, yet it was different now. Luke and Alex were puzzle pieces that made up a beautiful, bigger picture yet that didn’t exactly mean that they were pieces that fit together. Because the ways that Alex didn’t move, wouldn’t bend, those were the only ways that Luke lived his life. They’d spent so long convincing themselves of the opposite that there was relief in the acceptance. Luke met Alex’s tired, tearing gaze and knew his own was probably similar. “So this is the end, my only friend, the end?”

Alex nods sadly as he laughs a bittersweet laugh. “Trust you to quote ‘The Doors’ during a break up.” 

A tear falls and Luke wants to move closer to brush it away, but Alex’s hand raises and the tear gets lifted from his cheek by the back of his hand. Luke's smile is small and sad. Alex doesn’t need him there anymore to cure what makes him sad, Alex can brush away his own tears, he has himself. Luke looks away with that thought, his gaze peers over his shoulder to the polaroid behind him. His smile grows looking at the beaming trio from before a year ago. When he looks back to the blonde, there’s a question there and Luke meets Alex’s gaze, willing him to ask.

“Don’t worry, I’m not saying this just to get mad. I’m just curious, okay?” His hands are fiddling again, he’s nervous and Luke bites the inside of his cheek, nervous himself. Instead, he nods in response watching Alex’s eyes drift back to the photo Luke had previously been gazing at. “Throughout it all, was there ever anyone else for you? Someone that made you think ‘maybe’” 

It’s Luke’s turn to fiddle with his fingers, he twists them and writhes them against one another in battle. His mind is waging the same war, wondering what he should tell Alex. He owes Alex the truth but it’s not only his truth to tell. He’s conflicted so he settles. “Maybe once there could have been but not anymore.”

His voice was small as he admits, before he met Alex’s gaze again. “You?” 

Alex shakes his head and Luke feels that scorching guilt again.

“Sometimes I’d think about what it would be like if I did meet someone who made me wonder but that chance never happened.” Alex sways back and forth on the balls of his feet. Luke nods silently, feeling cold and the slightest bit empty. Alex looks like he’s holding back before he meets Luke’s eyes one more time, seemingly deciding in that moment as he questions. “Does he know?” 

Luke looks stunned for a moment. He immediately thinks of Reggie and he wonders if Alex really knows or if he’s trying to decipher Luke’s previous words. Luke begins to shake his head, in shock and from not exactly understanding what the Mercer boy is asking. “What?” 

“I know I said that this wasn’t going to end up in an argument but if you don’t answer me properly right now I’m going to break the promise we made.” Alex closes his eyes for a brief moment as he exhales and Luke’s heart is thumping so wildly he can feel it in his throat. “Everyone during that stupid game could see what you did down there tonight , Lu. It was so obvious and I’m not mad I promise that but I just want to know, does he know?” 

Luke swallows hard, his throat feels dry and scratchy. He sighs and registers Alex’s request. He knows to some degree, if not to the full extent that Luke has feelings for Reggie and now he was here wide eyed and waiting, for Luke to tell him if Reggie knew of his affections. He knew there was an option for him now, to tell Alex everything. He resolves to think if he had kissed and had feelings for anyone else, he would tell Alex in a heartbeat. But he is only one part of this twisted, cursed story. Because he can’t tell Alex everything without dragging in and incriminating Reggie because this is not only his mess, his story, his admission. Alex and Luke were breaking up, they were going to have time apart, their relationship was finished and he didn’t want that to happen for Reggie and Alex’s too. So he took a rough exhale, saying in his trembling breath. “No. He doesn’t know.” 

Alex exhales and nods. Luke resolves not to say more than is needed in that moment. Pushing himself off the desk, he takes cautious steps towards Alex. “I’m sorry I never told you.” 

“It’s okay. It’ll be fine. We’ll be alright.” Alex reaches out and cups Luke’s warm cheeks in his hands, his fingers dancing along his skin. Luke doesn’t believe him. He smiles anyway. His hands land on Alex’s face, mirroring the blonde's actions. They’ve been holding on so long and this is their final touch he feels. One last loving touch, one last lingering embrace before they let go. Alex leans down, slow and quick all at once, leaving a short but firm kiss on Luke’s chapped lips. One brief touch and then they’re gone, Luke realises with a kick that it’s their last.

“You’re still one of my best friends, Luke. I want you in my life. I still want to be in yours, maybe after a short while apart.” Alex mumbles, his voice a whisper in their close proximity and Luke nods, with a faint smile on his trembling lips. He begs the tears in his eyes not to fall.

“I’d really like that too.” And Alex surprises him with one last peck of lips. Luke closes his eyes, holds on tight and revels in the touch, committing it to memory so it can linger there forever without him ever fully realising he’s saved the phantom feeling of it. When they break apart, they sigh and stare at each other, all rosy cheeks and tear stained skin but through it all they smile at each other. They’re a mess but they’re feeling weightless in that moment. Feeling more themselves than they had in a long time. Alex lets his hands fall first and Luke is slow to follow after. Luke lets his left hand trail down Alex’s arm to his hand, where for the briefest moments their fingers intertwine as Luke takes a step to move away towards the door. 

“Hey, Alex.” Luke calls as they stand with their arms raised out in the distance between them, now only the tips of their fingers brush against each other as they bridge the gap between the two boys. Alex raises his gaze to meet Luke’s awaiting gaze, raising an eyebrow in question. Luke’s voice is small but Alex still hears every word. “I’m sorry I never learned how to love you right.” 

“Ditto, Luke.” Alex tells him with a sad, bittersweet smile and Luke knows he mirrors it too. There it is. The final line to their final chapter. Their full stop. Luke let’s his arm fall, Alex does the same a second later. Luke’s hand twists open the bedroom door and he doesn’t look back. He steps through into the hallway and he doesn’t look back. He pulls the door shut behind him and never looks back.

And he’s moving through the house, out the door, and through the driveway and onto the street. He’s three houses up the sidewalk on the Molina’s street when he realises with a cold shock through his body that he doesn’t know where he’s going or more accurately that he has nowhere to go. He freezes in his step. He was back to square one, to nothing. Alex would be gone, Reggie was gone, his family was gone. Luke was here, alone. His body shudders with the realisation and he stares up the empty street only the faint noise of the music and the neighbourhood enjoying the festivities at the place he had just fled. Breathing harsh, he does what he’s been trying to do all day. He screams. 

He screams until he’s sure his chest is about to burst or until a voice speaks up behind him and breaks him out of his mind. “Jesus Christ, I can see why you’re the lead singer. Got a set of lungs on you.”

Luke whips around to find the last person he expected staring at him with wide eyes as he brushes his fingers through his dark hair. Bobby Wilson. Luke pants in front of him, his whole body shaking with the force of his previous scream. Bobby takes a few steps towards him and Luke wants to take a few steps back yet he remains frozen in place. “Really though, man, are you okay? Not many okay people scream into the void that is suburban Los Angeles.” 

Luke watches him perplexed, raising an eyebrow before he begins flicking his index finger between himself and Bobby. “What is that? What are you doing here? Cause you and I, we don’t do that kind of thing. We don’t have heartfelt conversations.”

“Well I don’t want to be a bitch but at present it’s not like you have many more options right now.” Bobby states, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket and gazing around the street to emphasize his point. “I’m all you got.”

Luke follows his gaze around the empty street with a huff. “What a depressing thought, thanks for that.”

Bobby rolls his eyes and looks like he thoroughly regrets his decision. Luke doesn’t blame him but Bobby surprises him. Speaking as he rolls his eyes, “Look, I do like you, Luke. We don’t hang out much but you’re a good guy. And Alex and Reggie are my friends and they care about you meaning I have to care too by association. And since they can’t be here right now to check up on you, I’m the next best thing.” 

Luke furrows his eyebrows, meeting Bobby’s observing dark eyes. “You like me?”

“Yeah, it surprised me too.” Bobby huffs out a laugh because of course that’s what Luke chose to focus on. “But seriously man, are you okay?”

Luke surprises himself as he shakes his head. Bobby steps closer, watching him with a close, caring gaze. One that surprises both himself and Luke. “Alex and I broke up, which is probably the best thing that could happen for us. But now him and Reggie won’t want to talk to me for now or forever I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Because I can’t go home, I can’t go to Alex’s, I can’t go back to Reggie and the Molinas. I have nowhere to go and I’m just after realising. I’m so fucked.”

He hadn’t realised his breath had quickened and his vision getting blurrier until Bobby placed a firm hand on his shoulder and lifted him out of his panicked thoughts. “Okay, easy, easy. It’ll be alright. If you need somewhere to stay until you figure it all out, you can stay at my garage if you want.” 

“Are you serious?” Luke watched the boy with wide eyes. He had never been particularly fond of the boy or overly friendly and Luke felt insurmountable guilt. He could see why Reggie had been such close friends with the boy throughout the years. 

“I need to get back to the party and to Jane but if I text you the address you can head over there now. It’s usually open, if not there’s a key underneath the gnome statue in the garden.” Bobby explained as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over for Luke to enter in his number. Luke still watched him, incredulous and Bobby sighed in a laugh. “What? I’m a nice guy, is that so hard to believe?” 

Luke punched in his number before handing the device back. “Thanks dude, you’re a good guy too. I….I really appreciate it.” 

Bobby slapped his hand against Luke’s shoulder. He thinks it was supposed to be something or comfort and reassurance. Luke just tried not to wince at the feeling. “Don’t worry about it, man. It’ll be okay. I’ll come check on you later okay?”

Luke nodded and his phone chimed in his pocket with Bobby’s address. He gave Bobby a small and forced smile as the other boy sent him a quick and small nod before turning away and heading back towards the party. In the darkened street alone again, Luke sighed and felt his body sag. He turned to walk away in the opposite direction of the party, body tired and mind wired. He let his smile fall.

🎸

Luke hadn’t had a sober thought in days. Was it days? He wasn’t exactly sure, everything was beginning to blend into one. In every conceivable way possible, Luke was lost. Thinking of the past made a sinking feeling of melancholy consume his body yet if he thought of the future he was left with a tightening grasp on his chest that left him breathless and shaking. When he thought of the present, all he was left with was a numbness. He simultaneously felt everything and nothing all at once. So he drank, until his brain was fuzzy and his body loose. Bobby would come and go throughout the days, checking in. Luke never knew what to say to him, he wasn’t sure he wanted to say anything. Bobby would sit across from him, elbows leaning on his knees and leaning in over the coffee table observing him closely. Luke very seldom met his eyes, he didn’t enjoy the feeling that he was being examined, as if Bobby was making mental notes to report back. To who? Luke wasn’t sure. He didn’t think anyone wanted to hear about him anymore. When he wasn’t completely out of it, he wrote. He closed his eyes and tried to deal with the inner workings of himself and let them spill from his mind onto the page, hoping that putting it to words, to lyrics would help him make sense. Yet everytime behind his closed eyelids, all he saw was raven hair, thin lipped smiles, beaming green eyes, blushing pink porcelain skin (so perfect Luke had dreamt of touching it and having it crack and break beneath his fingertips) and pearly whites in place of once crooked teeth. Luke wasn’t sure if his lyrics written in the midst of the AM were drunken ramblings in scribbled handwriting that would prove almost non-decipherable in the morning or if his words were glimpses into the brewing turmoil that twisted and tugged at his heart and got caught on his tongue, never to be openingly admitted by his sober mind. 

Through the days of continuous binge writing and drinking, even when he was three glasses of Jack in, inebriated Luke felt the most sober he had been in awhile. Because Luke’s drunken mind was braver at understanding and admitting things about himself and his feelings than sober Luke could ever dream of. That morning, once Luke had finished what was his final of several drafts of ‘Crooked Teeth’, he had pushed away his guitar and made his way into the bathroom. He sat in the shower for what felt like hours on end, the water changing from boiling and scorching his skin to freezing and leaving his body trembling and lips tinted blue, Luke had sat there and endured through it all. He felt after all these days that the water would slowly wash away every piece of grime and grit that weaved its way into his person. Hoping for some cleansing salvation. For the most part it didn’t work, he wasn’t surprised either. As he sat on the couch, stuck in the same spot as always an hour later his body felt the slightest bit refreshed and his mind a little clearer yet the thought scared him more than comforted him. He tried his best to keep his body frozen in place, if he moved he feared he’d go digging for the closest full bottle of alcohol he could find. He knew Bobby kept trying to sneak them away with each visit he made, this had only made Luke drink faster. The door to the garage creaked open, a blazing ray of winter sun sliding in immediately through the smallest sliver of the ajar door. Luke wanted to hiss as it hit his eyes and he mentally cursed Bobby for coming in to him this early in the morning. Luke glanced at the clock on the garage wall, it was well after noon. By the time he returned his gaze to the door, his visitor was standing there, momentarily frozen as was Luke.

“What are you doing here?” He croaks out but his voice still holds a bite. Reggie’s gaze flicks from where it's assessing the dark and dusty garage before his eyes fall on Luke. They’re observing, assessing and Luke tries not to shrivel up underneath them. Reggie looks well like he hasn’t lost a nights sleep over any of this and Luke is envious and heart broken all at once. 

“Bobby wanted me to come by and see you.” Reggie admits but he looks as if he’s choosing his words carefully. This wasn’t a ‘come hang out with your good buddy Luke’, no this was a ‘come and check on him cause he’s a mess’. Because that’s what Luke was, he was a mess without any real idea how he could change that. Maybe he had too much pity for himself, maybe he didn’t want to change that. Sometimes he thinks he had gotten so used to the hurt and these saddening, all consuming thoughts that he had gotten comfortable within them. He was so afraid of getting better that maybe he didn’t want to.

“Meaning he called you here to inspect me. Assess the damage. Well lucky for you, I actually showered today.” Luke says through a scoff. He knows his speech is betraying him, through his stuttering, slurred words and Reggie’s eyes flicker around the room and back to him. He hates the pity he see’s there. Luke didn’t want to be alone, but having someone there, someone to listen to him was almost worse sometimes. He didn’t want someone to listen and then just spit out a quick supportive statement that holds no weight. They’re ephemeral and Luke knows it. Reggie’s not like that though, he genuinely cares, he knows that too. That scares Luke the most. 

“Have you been drinking?” Reggie’s voice isn’t accusing, only concerned. Luke drops his gaze from him at the sound of it. His hazel eyes move from one bottle to another, the evidence is overwhelming.

“No.” Luke says, remaining unmoved. Reggie’s examining eyes don’t leave him and he wants to squirm underneath them. Reggie raises an eyebrow from where he stands and Luke’s head pulses underneath the heat of the sun streaming in from the door. He winces and curses to himself, he couldn’t be more obvious if he tried. 

Reggie scoffs at the sight and Luke looks to his fiddling hands in his lap, momentarily ashamed. His arms crossed over his chest. Luke doesn’t think he looks intimidating in the slightest yet his disappointment cuts through Luke. “Are you seriously drunk right now?”

“I’m not drunk. I’m hungover. There’s a difference.” Luke scoffs. He’s acting cold but beneath it all he can’t even meet Reggie’s eyes. He doesn’t want to see how he looks at him, with utter disappointment and despondency.

“Not a big one.” Reggie whispers yet his voice pierces through Luke like a scream. He sounds so small, so dejected. Reggie cares so much about him, about everyone and Luke feels sick because he wants it so bad yet he doesn’t deserve it. So he puts himself at a distance, he becomes cold. This is what Luke does, he becomes a problem, he pushes those who want to help away. They’ll be safer that way. 

“No one is here to judge you, Luke. But you’re obviously not okay. We’re concerned.” Reggie begins to move slowly, cautiously, edging his way closer as if afraid Luke will make a run for it. For a moment he almost considers it. Luke shakes his head as Reggie comes closer. He’s muttering words to himself, muttering sentiments of how he’s fine. He doesn’t think anyone would believe them. Reggie sure doesn’t as he says. “We care about you and we want to help.” 

Reggie is quick to move then as Luke processes his words. Reggie bends down before him, so he and Luke are at eye level and Luke finds himself almost too afraid to meet his gaze. His hazel eyes threaten to spill every secret of his unhappiness as they begin to brim with tears. Like always, Luke can’t keep his eyes off Reggie Peters for long and within a few seconds is raising his bleary eyed gaze gingerly as he asks, “You care about me?”

Reggie nods and Luke can’t comprehend exactly how after everything he’s been through, how Reggie still maintains to have the biggest heart of everyone he has ever met. Even after everything Luke has put him through. “But I thought you d-”

“Of course, I care about you, Luke. And I don’t like seeing you like this.” Luke swallows hard, his throat is made of sandpaper and it tears away at him. His mind whirls yet his thoughts remain empty of anything but the raven haired boy before him. Reggie is so full of love and care. He’s too good for him. Luke’s assured he doesn’t deserve him in any capacity. 

“Luke, why can’t you go home?” Reggie’s words, as gentle as they are, make Luke grow rigid. His whole body freezes and his chest begins to seize up. Luke is in the process of stopping his breathing that is threatening to speed up out of his control when Reggie’s hands outstretch and cup his own sweaty ones on his own. Luke raises his gaze to Reggie and his eyes say everything Luke has been missing for months. ‘I’m here and you’re not alone.’

“I ran away.” Luke admits, his voice a small croak. He hadn’t told anyone that yet and while there is still weight pushing down on him, the load is the slightest bit lighter. Reggie squeezes his hand lightly and Luke sniffles knowing he won’t be able to keep his tears in for long. “They told me that I needed to stop with my stupid dream of music. That I needed to go to college or find a reasonable career.”

His frown tugged at his lips and he hated the uncontrollable weight to it, forcing it down. He sucked in his lips in an attempt to stop it but it only made his lips tremble. Reggie watched him with saddened eyes and Luke could tell the boy’s mind was in motion.

“I need music like most people need air. I know it in my bones that this is it for me and it really fucking sucks that they can’t see that or support it.” Music was a part of Luke and his parents wanted him to be without it, if they didn’t want him with music then they didn’t want Luke. They wanted him at the expense of changing everything that made him, him. Reggie’s hand slid to his arm in a comforting touch and Luke let his heart stutter at the prospect of not being alone. “So I left. And I can’t go back there.”

Luke feels his heart breaking all over again as his fight with his mother replayed through his mind. Between the static and darkness, he saw the screams, the tears, the heartbreak. He felt a curl in his stomach and thought for a moment he might hurl, that was until Reggie spoke again and took his attention elsewhere. “Luke I know you feel so passionately about music. Music is a huge part of you, you can never lose it and I know how much it hurts to not feel supported but are you ready to risk never seeing your parents again for it?”

Luke registered his words and froze, his palms sweating and eyes blinking furiously. Reggie knew how much this meant for him and now he was suggesting he push it aside. Of course, he didn’t want to lose his parents but after all these recent years of fighting, they ended up where they always did: at a stalemate. They drove him to this. He began to shake his head furiously and Reggie remained quiet. He never wanted to lose anyone but he was doing what was best, what was needed. Wasn’t he? His defence was beginning to crumble and even his own mind was second guessing itself. 

“I can’t. I don’t need them.” He blinked hard and felt the tears trickle down his cheek, staining his skin with the evidence of his sorrow. He couldn’t go back there. It was a hostile cage that kept Luke a wingless bird. Yet, where else was there for him now?

“I know what not having your parents is like, Luke. You know you want to maintain your fine, but no matter the age or how terrible they were as people, not having them there, it fucks you up.” Reggie’s voice was a croak and as he sniffled as he talked, Luke met his gaze. Both watched each other through tearful eyes and Luke almost laughed at the mess they were. Was falling apart the only way to build yourself up again? Reggie sniffled and continued. “I know what your parents are saying isn’t fair but deep down their intentions are good. I don’t want you to make a decision now that you’ll live to regret later.” 

Luke felt a guilt seep in because Alex and Reggie never really had a choice when it came to their parents. They, especially Reggie, were stuck in situations where it was the only option for them to leave, for their well-being, for their safety. And then there was Luke, running away. His parents had never been bad parents but had they ever been great ones either. Luke glanced at the six string taking up residence on the couch beside him and wondered why his parents couldn’t see what this meant to him, why they couldn’t believe in him. He had people who believed in him, why would he need them when he had others, like the boy standing before him now. Luke gazed back to Reggie and through his tears could see the boy knew Luke had made a decision and taken a stand. Luke’s warm hands raised to cup Reggie’s face and he waited a second to see if he’d flinch away yet the boy remained still. 

“I don’t need them. I have you, I have the others. I don’t need them.” Even as Luke looked into Reggie’s eyes and said the words his mind wondered, asked, what others? Luke was trying not only to convince Reggie he was better off but was trying to convince himself. He searched Reggie’s wide, wet green eyes and he found something he’d been searching for for years, he found home. “I don’t need them if I have you.”

Without another word, Luke pushed forward his lips desperate for the feel of Reggie’s, hoping the touch would breathe the life into him that he was missing. Reggie stays frozen and uncooperative under his administrations and he only works harder. Each movement an action begging for Reggie to aid him, to reciprocate and show Luke that it will be okay, that he has him. Reggie pushes his hands against Luke’s arms and pushes himself away to stand a few inches away, stunned. The cold seeps into Luke’s arms where Reggie had occupied and he shivers at the feeling. Who was Luke fooling, he never had Reggie.

“Luke, we can’t do that. It won’t solve anything right now.” Reggie’s voice is a small plea. It breaks Luke but Luke is rejected, dejected and alone. He’s a bitter person who only knows how to push people away. It’s safer for them. So that’s what he does. 

“Oh, so when you were upset and needed me, I was there. You kissed me back but now, when I need you the same, you change your mind.” Luke’s not sure he even believes his words but he hisses them out like he does. Fuelled by moments of hurt and his own heavy insecurities. Reggie watches him with watering eyes, hurt and afraid and Luke wants him that way. He wants to make him feel the hurt that has smothered Luke what feels like his whole life. He hates it. He hates himself more. 

“So it was fine for you a year ago. When it was me in a relationship you were fine with that but now it’s reverse, you got yourself a girlfriend and now you’ve suddenly got morals.” He bites out, his voice doesn’t feel like his own, the words don’t feel like they belong to him. But Luke’s not sure who he is anymore so how is he supposed to know what is really him anymore. Luke is many things. He is a disappointment, he is a liar, he is a cheater, he is a mess, he is a person who betrays those he cares about, he’s a person that makes you leave before you leave him, he’s a person that breaks your heart before you can break him. He scoffs. “That’s rich.” 

“That’s not fair.” Reggie whispers and the sound crawls its way into Luke, buries itself within. It tells him to never forget the sound of it, to always keep it as a reminder of the kind of person he was. A fuck up. So he laughs as if it’s nothing because that’s what he has, that’s what he feels like, that’s what he is in that moment. Nothing.

“Yeah, a lot of things aren’t fair.” His tears still spilled down his cheeks and Luke wondered if they were an indicator that he really didn’t believe in anything he was saying. Reggie doesn’t seem to care anymore as he begins to move away from Luke, returning to the open garage door. Luke’s body trembles with tears but he wills himself to stay frozen on the spot. As Reggie comes to the door, he stops but he doesn’t dare look back at Luke. Luke has to mentally will himself not to beg Reggie to stay.

“You need help, Luke but I’m not the person who can give it to you.” Reggie leaves without another word, another look. Luke’s whole body is begging to crumble right there, to fall onto the floor and smash into a million little pieces, so many that there could never be a hope of putting him back together again. His body wracks with loud, heavy, ugly sobs and his breath begins to hitch with the gasps he takes with every tear that escapes his tightly clutched eyelids. Luke grew up always thinking that he was a victim of circumstance, someone that had bad things happen to him for no apparent reason. Luke was beginning to see he had only ever deluded himself in that respect. He was beginning to see that maybe Luke was the reason bad things happened, a constant catalyst for every disaster in his life. Maybe Luke was the bad thing.

The revelation shifted something in his stomach and his sobs came harder. He was gasping for breaths and his head was getting dizzy and soon there was an unmistakable bile rising in his throat. Swiftly moving on his feet, he ran to the bathroom of the loft, falling to his knees and throwing himself over the toilet seat just in time as the remnants of his last meal and numerous bottles of alcohol spilled out. He coughed and gagged and blinked his watering, stinging eyes. He wanted to disappear, crumple in on himself, dive head first into the toilet and fall into oblivion. He sat there leaning over the toilet for a few long moments before he realised there was nothing else to throw up. He sat there a shivering mess, with a mind that was fighting itself and a body that wanted nothing more than to give up. This is what he had become and he didn’t like it. He dragged himself up from the ground by pulling his body up to the sink. He twisted the tap with a clammy hand, reveling in the feeling of the cool water it omitted. He bent his head down, drinking from the running water and swishing it around his stale mouth before he cupped the water in his hands and splashed his face. He looked up towards the mirror to catch a glimpse of himself yet the reflection was distorted with steam from his previous shower. Luke nearly laughed at the sight, it’s how he had been feeling for longer than he could remember like there was a cloud, a fog separating him from the person he knew, the person he remembered, the person he was. With the sound of running water still trickling over his ears, Luke reached out his hand about to swipe away the condensation when he froze, remembering Alex’s words. When there was something he was too afraid to say aloud, too afraid to admit to anyone or anything else, to write it on a bathroom mirror, your own temporary confessional. Luke outstretched an index finger of his trembling hand as he thought about Alex’s words. His finger squeaked and screamed against the reflective surface as he wrote out three words that he had been debating on for awhile but one’s that he had only felt the weight of today. Because today he scared Reggie, he scared himself. He didn’t want to feel that way ever again. With his last letter, his hand dropped and Luke exhaled a large, shaking breath staring at the words. 

‘I need help’. 

Luke could try to convince himself as much as he wanted that he was okay that he was alone, that he didn’t need anyone else. But he was scared, he needed help. He needed other people. So he gazed at the words he was too afraid to say to anyone, too afraid to admit to himself most days. Even for the briefest of moments he had put them out into the world. And now that they were out there, he felt the smallest of weights lift inside of him. Now he only had to make good on his words. Raising his hand he would wipe the slate clean, start anew. His palm connected with the wet surface, letting it trail along the mirror in a hard swipe, wiping away his words. When he dropped his hand, there he was. Luke. Staring back at himself with eyes more hopeful than he had seen them in a long time. He could only see a sliver of his face in his reflection but he hoped if he stayed true to his word and got help, got better, that it wouldn’t be long before he found himself back to his whole self. He stared at his half of a reflection with a small, ghost of a hopeful smile on his lips and decided if he wanted to get help and get better, he had to leave. There was only one person he could think of at that moment. So he gave the mirror one last lingering look, leaving the Luke he had grown to dislike within the shards of glass and drops of condensation that clung to its surface and then turned away.

🎸

Luke’s not sure what exactly he’s afraid of. He’s standing before the large white apartment door that has a giant, ‘27’ in gold type staring back at him. He’s been standing in the position for more than ten minutes, afraid to take the next step. He can hear shuffling from time to time and he’s convinced Caleb’s neighbour across the hall is keeping an examining eye on him through the small peehole. He doesn’t blame them, he’s even surprised they haven’t confronted him or called security yet. Caleb lived in a swanky city apartment complex where rent probably cost more than Luke would make in a lifetime. He felt out of place but he felt out of place most places these days and he really didn’t have anyone else to go to. He sucked it up and counted down from three quickly, all he needed was a few fast seconds of courage before he knocked on the apartment door and waited with bated breath. A day after Reggie had visited him, Luke had been in despair and had spent most of his time trying to psyche himself up long enough to make the small journey to Caleb’s. When he had finally packed his miniscule collection of belongings, he had left Bobby with an apology and a vague idea of where he was leaving too. Bobby had wanted to ask, he could tell, but Luke didn’t divulge anymore than was needed and in the end Bobby had let him leave with a quiet nod. As the lock twisted and the door swung open, Luke watched with a dry mouth and wide eyes as Caleb’s gaze fell on him in momentary shock.

“Luke.” Caleb’s voice was soft, a breathless whisper of astonishment before relief took its place. His eyes raked down Luke’s figure making sure that he was not hurt. “You’re okay. We’ve been so worried.” 

Luke bit his lip as he nodded. He supposed he was okay physically, in every way other he wasn’t as sure. Caleb reached out cautiously as if trying to not scare Luke away but the younger boy remained in place, frozen and all consumed by the affection he was receiving. Caleb’s hands fell to his arms, holding them tight as if he let go that the boy would disappear. Luke watched his uncle with careful, suddenly tearful eyes, feeling safe for the first time in awhile. A tear escaped between his eyelashes and his lip trembled as he tried to speak through a croaking voice. “I had nowhere else to go.”

With those words, Caleb pulled his nephew not by blood but by love into his arms and Luke felt himself crumble at the feeling. He fell into the embrace, clinging on for dear life. Luke wanted to think he was strong on his own but he was finally understanding that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing to have others there lifting you up whenever you weren’t strong enough to carry yourself. Caleb sighed into his hair and squeezed him tighter as Luke held on for tightly, willing himself not to become an uncontrollable sobbing mess in his arms. He knew Caleb wouldn’t shame him for it, in fact, he would encourage it but Luke wanted to be able to hold himself together for a little while longer. To explain himself and his actions to his uncle if nothing else. Caleb let go slowly as he determined Luke was okay to stand on his own before he pulled away, closing the apartment door behind them. Luke moved further into the hallway, into the living room as he dropped his bag and guitar case on the floor. Caleb filtered in behind him and as Luke turned around to face the older man, a hand connected with the back of his head with a smack.

“What the hell!?” Luke shouted, his hand raising immediately to the point of his scalp that Caleb had attacked. He narrowed his eyes and furrowed eyebrows as he watched his uncle with a scowl. His hand rubbed gently circles into the stinging part of his head. “Why’d you do that?”

“That was for being a little idiot and going missing without telling anyone where you were or if you were okay!” Caleb’s voice is frustrated and his tone grew louder with each word but Luke knew underneath it all the exasperation was born from worry. He bit his lip, feeling immense guilt but he tried to rationalise.

“I was fine.” His attempt left much to be desired. Caleb’s eyes grew wider and the exasperation took over his whole body as he scoffed and raised his arms, gaze incredulous as it landed on the younger boy.

“You were fine? Well you being fine doesn’t mean shit, Luke, if you’re not going to pick up the phone and let us know that. You were M.I.A. for almost a month! You don’t get to just disappear and then come back saying ‘I’m fine’ and everything is okay.” Caleb’s words harbour a truth and it sinks inside Luke. He looks down at his beat up Vans against his uncle’s wooden floors, he feels like a child being scolded and with the way he had acted lately, it was only right.

“I’m sorry. I know it was stupid.”Luke sighed and played with the sleeves of his flannel, his fingers twitching anxiously. “I just needed to get away after everything. I couldn’t stay there, at home, anymore. But I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I was okay or that I didn’t show up for work.”

Caleb watched him with sad eyes and for once Luke didn’t hate the pity he found there. This time, deep down there was some semblance of comfort, that someone understood. “You’re an idiot and you’re gonna send me to an early grave I can tell.” 

Luke laughed lightly, one that was short lived. He was happy that he was able to get even the smallest sliver of a smile on his lips. It goes as quick as it comes when Caleb sighs, rubs a hand down his face and says. “I need to call your parents.” 

Caleb is moving to the kitchen attached to the living room as he speaks and the words strike a cold zap through Luke’s body and shocks him into action. He follows behind quick and fumbling. His eyes wide and palms sweating all over again. “Please, don’t Caleb. I don’t...I can’t see them yet.”

“Luke, I can’t have you here after you were missing for nearly a month and not tell them. You nearly gave them a heart attack.” Caleb reasons, reaching out to the kitchen island to clutch his discarded phone. Luke registers his words with a heavy breath, his pulse is thrumming against his chest fast and hard and his body is begging to shake with the feeling of it. He wonders if he’s the one having a heart attack now? 

“Caleb! Listen to..to me, you ca-an’t make me go back t-there. I won’t. I won’t go back there.” Upon hearing Luke’s increasingly breathless words, Caleb placed his phone back down on the counter and gingerly turned to the boy who was wringing his sweaty hands against the bottom of his flannel without even noticing. Caleb noticed how he slightly vibrated as he talked, his body almost noticeably shaking. 

“Luke.” He said, soft and slow but Luke was elsewhere. His hands worked the fabric of his shirt into a frenzy as his eyes gazed at the floor just by Caleb. Pupils dark, eyes wide and sight focused on the one spot as he began shaking his head.

“E-everytime I think of going back there I just feel so..feel so suffocated and I can’t go back there. I can’t. I can’t go back there.” Caleb began to cautious steps towards the younger boy. Luke finally shifted his gaze, breathing heavily and shakily as his eyes met Caleb’s. Caleb watched as his hazel eyes filled with unmistakable tears and Luke choked on his words, his voice speeding up the longer he talked. “I keep having this dream where I’m in my childhood bedroom but the walls, they, they’re getting smaller and they’re clo-closing in on me and I can’t breathe. I can’t br- I can’t.” 

Caleb rushed to Luke’s side, the younger boy stumbling into his arms as he tried to calm his breathing but his body shook and his mind ached and his breaths trembled and got caught in his throat. He tried to cough them out, gasping and sputtering and Caleb whispered soothing words to him as his large hand circled his back. Soon Luke’s gasping breaths became heavy, unhinged sobs as he cried hard and loudly into Caleb’s work shirt. Caleb kept telling him it would be okay through it all. Luke didn’t know if he believed him but he remained quiet and hoped he was right. Luke continuously mumbled from his place on the cold kitchen tiles, begging tiredly for Caleb to not make him go back there. Caleb agreed quietly before Luke’s exhausted body gave him and he succumbed to sleep. Luke isn’t sure how long he slept. But when he wakes up he’s in Caleb’s guestroom, surrounded by blankets and from the slightest ajar space between the blinds he can see the darkness of evening is taking over the sky. As he gets up out of bed and slowly ambles through the apartment his brain feels groggy and his body hurts, the aches penetrating from somewhere deep within his bones. In the kitchen he finds Caleb loading the dishwasher with evidence of his dinner and Luke quietly sits at the kitchen table. Caleb turns as he hears him and watches him closely.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Or well, good evening.” Caleb gives Luke a gentle teasing smile, trying to disarm the boy after the past month he had endured. Luke shifted in his seat, crossing his arms over the table and leaning his head down to rest on them. Caleb moved over to the table, sitting across from the boy and tilting his head to watch him. “You’ve nearly been out a whole day. Thought I was going to have to use my watering can on you like you were one of the monsteras to get you up.”

“Do I look like a house plant?” Luke asked bluntly, his eyes still half closed and barely awake. Caleb examined him closely from across the table before a swift grin took over his lips and Luke waited silently for the part he became butt of a joke.

“Come to think of it, you do look like a prick.” There it was. Caleb sent him a proud smirk and Luke rolled his eyes in response. When silence over takes them, Luke watches as Caleb fiddles with his phone in his hands before the older man finally speaks again. “I called your parents.”

“What?” Luke immediately sat up straight. His eyes flicked around the apartment as if a closet door was about to open and reveal his parents to him like a game show prize. 

“You may not want to go back there and that’s fine, that’s up to you.” Caleb words make Luke settle down for a moment, but he senses a ‘but’ coming. “But that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t tell them you’re here and you’re okay. They respect that you don’t want to see them and I’m allowing you to stay here but they need to know Luke.” 

Luke nods quietly, “Okay. Thank you for letting me stay.”

Caleb only nods in response but Luke can see his mind swarming with potential questions to ask the young Patterson boy. Part of Luke wanted to head back to bed to not think of everything that had led him to this point but instead he listened to the other part of him, the one that told him to wait around and talk it out with Caleb. Soon Caleb gives him an opening, asking, “Why was I the only place you could go? What happened with Alex? With the gang, do they know where you are?”

Luke sighs and before he has a moment to rethink his decision, he’s telling Caleb everything. From the qualms he had with his parents that Caleb was already aware of to all the things that he had never heard about. From random boys at bus stops, to boyfriends, to boyfriend’s best friend, to kissing, to cheating, to being completely and undeniably alone. Luke tells him it all, managing to shed a few small tears throughout. Maybe it was getting easier, or maybe Luke was just drying out. Caleb remained in stunned silence when he had finished, processing the years worth of information he never even knew about Luke. Luke sat in his own silence, waiting and listening to the low hum of the radio in the kitchen. 

“You’re an idiot, kid.” Caleb said suddenly, eyes still staring into space as he processes Luke’s tale. Luke quickly returns his gaze back to the man across from him waiting for more. The more never comes though.

“That’s all you have to say?” Luke asked, dumbfounded. 

Caleb finally met his gaze with a raised eyebrow, challenging him. “Am I wrong?”

Luke sucked in a breath and then huffed it out because, no, he wasn’t wrong. He hated that he wasn’t wrong. Caleb leaned further onto the marble kitchen table, catching Luke’s attention again from where he had sunk back into his chair. “Okay, well, other than the fact you’re a massive, terrible liar, it sounds like you and Alex ended on good enough terms. Right now, the real mess is with Reggie?” 

Luke sunk further into his seat at Caleb’s truthful, accurate reading of events and his own feelings towards them. He shrugged as Caleb began speaking again. “What are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing?” Luke suggested and Caleb sighed, not looking impressed. Luke sat up straighter in defence. “I was a complete dick to him, especially the other day. That was just the last straw. He doesn’t want to hear from me. I doubt he’ll ever want to hear from me again.”

“You’ll never know unless you talk to him about that though?” Caleb suggests and all Luke can do is shake his head in response. 

“He wouldn’t want that.” Luke’s voice is small as his fingers begin intertwining, fiddling together and Caleb watches him with a sad smile on his face. He calls his name and Luke reluctantly looks up to meet his eyes. 

“You know every person is an island. We’re all singular, individual, to ourselves and separate from one another. The only way we can connect and get to other islands and other people is through words. Words build bridges between islands, between people and only then do we become a little less lonely and isolated.” Caleb never let his gaze waver from Luke’s as he spoke and Luke watched him wordlessly heeding his advice. “Talk to him, Luke. Lay that first stone and create that bridge together.”

Luke’s tongue dragged over his dry, chapped lips. He didn’t know if Reggie would want to see him, talk to him again but he was understanding Caleb. He would never know unless he tried. Meeting Caleb’s gaze again, he found his eyes had never left Luke as he mulled over the new advice. Luke cracked a phantom sliver of a smile. “When did you get so wise?”

“A lifetime of knowledge, kid.” Caleb jokes, tapping his temple with his index finger. “But if we’re honest, it’s something Dr. Mitchell told me. My therapist.”

He says the words casually. Luke’s not sure if it’s his place to comment on them but he asks, cautiously, curiously. “You have a therapist?”

“Yes, I do. And starting this week, you will too.” Caleb answers just as casually as if this is something Luke should already be aware of. Luke sputters out a quiet, confused ‘what?’ at his uncle's words and Caleb nods, raising up from his chair at the table. Luke remains, watching him closely. “I have an appointment tomorrow morning and I’ve scheduled you one for midweek. Once you get settled, I think it’s something that could be good for you. Something that could help.”

Luke felt he should fall into immediate defence at Caleb taking these liberties onto himself but he remains quiet and his uncle’s words bury deep down inside him. ‘Something that could help’. Luke thinks of his message now faded from a garage bathroom mirror and thinks Caleb is right, that this could be something good for him so he nods, okay. He notices Caleb beginning to gather his possessions around the kitchen before he asks, “Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry but I have to work tonight, kid. Will you be okay?” Caleb asks as he comes back to the table beside Luke, first placing a key on the table before him, his own for the apartment. Luke nods, agreeing he’ll be okay again. This time he actually believes it. Caleb gives him a gentle smile before he begins pulling a few notes of cash from his wallet, presenting it to Luke beside his new key. “Here, why don’t you extend that olive branch. Get him some flowers or crack, or whatever it is you kids give each other these days.”

“Hardy har.” Luke says without the slightest hint of humour. Luke’s eyes glance back to the money with a raised eyebrow before he meets Caleb’s gaze again where the older man is pulling a jacket over his work shirt. “You’re just giving me money?”

“Oh no, think of that as an advancement on your next paycheck. You can bet, from next week onwards you’re going to be working your ass off to make up for all those days you ditched. You’re lucky I like you, kid, or I would have fired your ass long ago.” Caleb chuckles and Luke rolls his eyes.

“Good old fashion nepotism, you can’t beat it.” Luke absentmindedly plays with the key on the table as he speaks. Caleb raises a hand to ruffle his hair. Luke raises his gaze to peer at the older man as Caleb begins turning his back and heading towards the hallway to the door. 

“Get him something, build that bridge. Make it heartfelt, make it your own, okay?” He asks, pointing back to Luke and looking at the boy from over his shoulder. Luke laughed but nodded in agreement. “I’ll see you later tonight, kid. Text me if you need anything.”

With that the door closed, Luke was left alone in his own silent mind. The only sounds around him being the busy Los Angeles streets below and the gentle melodies flooding from the radio in the other room. He picked up the key tapping it against the table surface as he tried to think of some way to apologise to Reggie, to make it his own, to make Reggie see all that he really meant to Luke. After a few moments of thinking, he grabbed the key and cash from the table and stood moving to his room. As he passed the radio in the kitchen, he heard the familiar notes of a song he had heard only days ago and that had haunted him since. As it came to the particular lyrics of the song, Luke mumbled along.

“With a note saying ‘I love you’. I meant it.” Luke was never sure he was someone to believe in signs but when it came to Reggie Peters he was a true believer. Something stirred inside and suddenly Luke knew exactly what he could show Reggie to let him know how much he really meant to Luke. Running to his room, he found his familiar songbook, grasping it tight in one hand and sliding on his shoes with the other. He was thankful that he had fallen asleep the previous day in his clothes. He probably reeked but in that moment, with a plan on his mind and an apology on his tongue, Luke couldn’t find it in himself to care. He ran through the streets, heart pumping wildly, a reminder that he wasn’t done and finished yet. One ripped songbook page, handwritten note and bouquet of flowers later he found himself at the driveway to the Molina house. He took small, slow, cautious steps as he did, suddenly nervous, afraid.

His vision had been solely focused on the wooden front door that Luke had almost missed the car in the driveway. It wasn’t Ray’s, no it was Alex’s. Luke had reached the wooden porch steps and froze. He hadn’t anticipated this part of the night and all of a sudden he was reminded of how out of place he was here. How he probably wasn’t welcome, wanted. His heart beat quick, each pulsing thump heavy in his body. He could hear the faintest reverb of laughter from the living room’s slightly opened window and he sunk in on himself. Because Alex and Reggie were here, laughing, happy, friends, together and Luke was on the outside, feeling out of place with a wall between him and life he used to have. Placing the flowers down on the top step of the porch he backed away and began walking back up the driveway and onto the darkened suburban street.

Building bridges could wait for another time. That wasn’t what Alex and Reggie wanted from him now. He thought it best if they took time. Maybe then the distance would cloud their tainted images of him and they could come together in the future, better, fonder. So Luke decided to do something different than what he had initially planned that night.

Luke decided it was best for him to disappear from their lives for a while. It would seem it was something he was good at.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to delve more into Luke because where Reggie was already such a romantic, Luke is new to the whole thing and might take a bit longer to make sense of his feelings. Also because Reggie and Alex were already out and somewhat comfortable in their sexualities, thought it would be a change to have Luke still figuring himself out.
> 
> This will follow a similar structure as One Day in December, where the first two chapters are a bit shorter but from chapter three onwards they will get longer.
> 
> Anyway, I can't wait to write more and hopefully I'll see you in the next one! :)


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